"Final Fantasy", a video game series that's spawned 12 installments (a 13th on the way) on myriad video game consoles and handhelds and spawned numerous off-shoots such as "Final Fantasy Tactics", "Final Fantasy Legend" and "Final Fantasy After Dark: Chocobo's Transsexual Drag Race Adventures at Mardi Gras". One of the most popular pixilated Role-Playing Games in the history of digital geekdom, the Japanese born "Final Fantasy" series is loved by all, even the hard to please females of our species. Sounds shocking, I know, but there isn't ONE piece of pussy I know that hasn't wrapped their fingers around one game controller or another to play one of these "cool kid" versions of Dungeons & Dragons™... Oh my Godz, I'm starting to sound as pathetic as those people who pay $45 on e-Bay purchasing imported "Final Fantasy V" soundtracks! Who am I kidding, video games are for feebs and losers with no lives, and I'm one of them! I am soooo pathetic.
Oh well, now that I've gotten past my bout of denial, I can review Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals, the Japanese animated mini-series based upon the video games... well, kinda.
See, the problem with the Final Fantasy games is that none of them are connected. They're all independent stories dealing with separate groups of people, many time on entirely separate planets and planes of existence. The only thing that was really carried over between the games were some of the monsters you encountered along your journey. Them and those damn retarded Chocobos. Stupid oversized canaries. So, how do you decide which of these games you base a Final Fantasy animated story on? Then again, do you even bother to base it on ANY of these games?! What if you just want to make your own fantasy story, then slap the Final Fantasy label on it for name recognition? Being an FF player myself though, I'd have to say that this 'toon movie is a sequel-of-sorts to "Final Fantasy 5". Players of the game will recognize what I'm talking about, while non-players should probably just smile and nod and follow the bouncing ball on this one.
Somewhere in the universe floats the Earth-like Planet R (must be from the same solar system as Planet X: the Alphabet Soup Nebula). Unlike our planet, where everything is maintained via numerous factors including the molten ball at our core, the rotation of our planet, seasonal winds, cycles of the moon and those dragons that live in the clouds, Planet R is instead supported by a collection of four crystals. Each crystal carries the burdens of a different element: fire, wind, water and earth. Sounds good right? Well, the benefit of having our planet being dictated by uncontrollable elements actually has it's benefits, because Planet R's falling victim to forces intent on stealing it's elemental crystals! Earth may not be perfect, but at least no one can harness the Santa Anna winds! Except for Dr. Doom... damn comic book villains and their tyranny.
Not to worry though, because just like the games, our story too has a hero. This story's hero is Prettz (as in Prettzel... yeah, I know the spelling doesn't fit, so sue me), an overly caffeinated young lad with a big clunky motorcycle, a sword twice his size and a dream. Said dream? Eh, who cares, but I think it involves sticking his Rod of Phallus into the gaping maw of the dreaded bearded clam beast! The beast in question of course belongs to Prettz's love potential love interest, Linaly. Linaly doesn't have time to play around with rambunctious lads like our hero though, cuz her grandfather needs her for other things. Some of these things I won't mention out of moral decency (right, like I've ever been burdened by THAT in my life!), but the most important thing she's needed for is to accompany her grandpappy to the Wind Temple, where the Wind Crystal still stands. Grandpa hopes to get there and preserve the elemental gem in case the same guys who have been ransacking the other Crystals recently decide to make a play for the wind one too. When Grandpa has other matters to attend to, Linaly and Prettz decide to head to the temple themselves. On the way, the two are bike-jacked by infamous whip brandishing sky pirate Rouge and her crew of big fat dykes in black leather bunny suits! She underestimates her capture though, as Prettz pulls some fancy moves and a few tricks from his sleeves (which is odd, considering he doesn't HAVE sleeves), allowing he and Linaly to escape and leaving Rouge embarrassed. Not to worry baby, I don't care about your success-to-failure ratio, all I care about is the lovely body you have (barely) contained in that dominatrix outfit!
With the dykes behind them, our heroic couple continues on their way to the Wind Temple. They finally arrive to find the jewel still intact, right where it belongs, unlike the other three Crystals, which have all been lifted by a gang of backwards talking space robots. When Linaly comes into contact with the Wind Crystal, the lucky gem plants itself in her supple chest! Immediately following, the young lady's ass begins to glow... hey, all girls get that special little glow after their first time, right? Then again, maybe I should stop raping radioactive virgins... This luminescent derriere signifies the end of the first chapter of Legend of the Crystals. Man, those Japs are a perverted people, I'll give em that! This might not be so controversial were it not for the fact that this chick is only, like, 13! Shiny jewels planting themselves in womens' tits and making their asses into night lights really isn't as odd as it may sound when you compare it to other physical oddities in Japanese Anime, but when they're so young that only pedophiles and 12 year olds can get off to it, that kinda disturbs me. I have no problem taking the lives of kids and young teens, I mean, it's my job after all, but that's death: a totally different context. This, this is borderline illegal! And what's with all those Linaly panty shots?!
Anyway, time for our next act kids: the Fire Chapter (don't ask me what the first chapter was, I was too busy vacuuming vomit off my bedspread to pay attention). We open with Linaly and Prettz, captured by some military guys from a nearby kingdom, in concern to the Wind Crystal. The troops are lead by the bloated General Valcus, who doesn't enjoy Prettz's smart-ass attitude and takes it upon himself to smack the kid around and harass the kids like the obese bully he is... and what's up with that fucking moustache of his?! It's not even a moustache, it's just two stalks of foot long nose hairs trying to reach out and capture insects for food! The kids don't need to fear the clutches of the evil 'stache though, they instead need to fear the sting of Rouge's whip, as she and her massive lesbians arrive and overtake everyone! Yep, the whole group gets kidnapped, including spastic Prettz and the glowing assed Linaly, and they're all taken to the pirates' tropical island HQ. With this group, you can't help but wonder how many big cartoon 'X's there are on the island... and which one's Gilligan?
After surviving Rouge's tickle torture, Prettz is thrown into a cell with Linaly. This is the perfect situation for a kid Prettz's age, right? I mean, you're locked away in a cell with a vulnerable young girl, both of you coming of age, what better time than to "comfort" her and try to get her to give up her hymen at the same time?! If anything, you can say all that Romeo shit to her, then tell her that this could be your last moments on Earth together. Nobody wants to die without engaging in the oldest and greatest sin, right? Well, even if Prettz had his mind on his skin flute instead of his steel sword, the moment's ruined when the Wind Crystal emerges from within Linaly's underdeveloped boobs. From the crystal materializes a young ghost boy named Mid, who claims to be an ancient warrior, then dubs our heroic duo as chosen guardians of the Wind Crystal before he plants the glimmering glass trinket back between Linaly's erect nipples. What safer place for an elemental crystal in Planet R than in the torso of a girl whose ass glows. This little love-in's interrupted though, when the militant Fantasy Island throw back comes under siege by the aforementioned backwards talking space robots! Though the base sinks into the briney blue, everyone makes it out alive, escaping the villainous toasters riding big chainsaws. Thus ends our second act, the crystal still safely shimmering from within Linaly's puckered anus, like a testament to the American dream, as illustrated more noble in "the Star Spangled Banner" through the use of... that stuff about ramparts... remember that game for Nintendo, "Ramparts"? I think you just shot down castle walls with cannons or something... wish i still had my old NES.
Legend of the Crystals is pretty good for an Anime. It had comedy, which is always a plus, and it had plenty of explosions. The violence wasn't graphic like it is in most Anime, but this is based on a video game, which stereotypically makes it a "kids" movie, so gore and guts isn't really needed anyway. Besides, sometimes cartoonier violence is better. Sure, Rouge and her leather bitches could have been drawn hotter and sexier, or treated more like real dangers, but I think the plan was less "lesbian militia" and more "fat Team Rocket", which, only "Pokemon" viewers will understand, so I'll stop right there. My major problem though, was that this didn't really have the feel of a Final Fantasy property. Yeah, it had fantasy, it had the amalgamation of magic and machinery, but where were the fucking monsters?! You can't blow a load in the games without salting the lips of a Kobold or a Cyber-Goblin or a talking locomotive wheel! Not the case in the movie though, where there were VERY few beasties to behold. Quite disappointing actually.
Also, why do release companies have to be such greedy assholes? You could easily pack all four chapters of Legend of the Crystals onto one convenient video cassette, but instead these bastards decide to release it on TWO tapes, costing hard working blue collar Death Gods like myself TWICE the money it should. Slanty-eyed bitches! I also want to say that the movie did race a little fast at times, not allowing for character development, but, having seen the last two chapters, I must admit they do make more time for that later. Besides, how much character development can I expect from a 45 minute tape! BASTARDS!
The Moral of the Story: In the Final Fantasy realms, the passage to womanhood includes carrying a magic crystal in your chest and a a strange glow in your ass.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- It's fun and the energy is good, but it doesn't have enough "adult content" to satisfy most of your typical dick and fart joke lovin' H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. candidates.
Sequel: Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals - Volume 2 (duh.)
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Dragon Quest: the Animated Series or Slayers
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