"... special means having some stupid crystal in your underpants...". No truer words have ever been spoken as this sentence fragment from Legend of the Crystals hero Prettz. For those of you who haven't seen or read the review for Legend of the Crystals - Volume 1, the crystal in question is the mystical Wind Crystal: one of the four elemental gems that power Planet R. Planet R is a land far far away that resembles Earth, only instead of George W. Bush they have literal monsters, like backwards talking alien robots who ride chainsaws and fat dykes in leather swimwear... hmmmmm, combine them together into a backwards talking leather dyke and you DO get George W. Bush! As for the underpants, they belong to Linaly: a young summoner (she can summon creatures to her aid) whom the Wind Crystal has decided to implant itself within to escape those backwards talking robots, who have stolen the other three elemental crystals that power Planet R already. The crystal's presence makes Linaly's ass glow, so everyone on Planet R better hope that these robots aren't perverts into looking up little girls' skirts, or they'll get their steel mits on all four crystals... for what purpose, we've yet to be told.
Oh, there's also the "potential romance" between Prettz and Linaly, which becomes a love triangle when we bring in the phantasmal Mid: a ghost kid claiming to be an ancient warrior who lives within the crystal. He seems to have a liking for Linaly, which obviously makes Prettz jealous. Mid also makes the heroic couple "official protectors of the crystal", which probably holds about as much weight as being "official Nintendo Power fan club president": anyone who sent in the little postcard and the $3.17 for shipping and handling so they could send the little plastic badge to you could be one... off track.
Okay, that should bring you up to date. In the future I suggest you read the review for the movies BEFORE the sequels, that way I can bypass all this "update the viewers" crap. See how much space I've already wasted? The things I do for you morons... uhm, nice readers who I don't want to offend by calling you names because if you stop coming to my site then I'll be lonely and cry by myself in a closet somewhere... right.
After escaping the robots from space following the assault and sinking of the leather pirate Rouge's island paradise, our heroes waltz into the next phase of their adventure: the Dragon Chapter. Prettz, Linaly, General Valcus and Rouge head to the Taj-Mah Hall, err, the kingdom of Tycoon, where the queen of Tycoon has requested their presence concerning the Wind Crystal. Queenie informs the crew of the other three missing elemental jewels and tells them if they don't recover these errant crystals, Planet R will fall into utter chaos. To add to the misfortune, the phantasmal Mid makes an appearance to tell the good guys a little more about the crystals and what his grandfather Shido had to do with them. Seems that Shido had been experimenting with them in an effort to find out what made them tick, or as to their origins. When he finally uncovered their secrets, he died soon after, seemingly denying anyone of his hard earned discoveries. One day though, a large shadowy figure the size of a small building descended on Shido's gravesite, dug up the old man, stole his brain, then killed Mid when the brat tried to intervene! So, whoever this big mystery warlord is, he has Shido's brain and the secrets of the crystals! Now the whole crew of Prettz, Linaly, Mid, Rouge and Valcus, must high tail it to the Black Moon and get back the crystals from the same shadowy figure and his jabbering tin cans. The only way to get there is on the back of Tycoon's dragon protector, who sleeps deep below the surface of Tycoon's Dragon Temple. Hmmmmm, at least the chapter title makes sense now.
So, now the well being of Planet R is in the hands of two kids, a ghost, a dominatrix and a fat dude with 5 foot long nose hair... For once I'm glad to live on Earth. Before they can find the dragon and ask it's help though, the robot armies attack the castle! While Rouge and her leather dykes in 3-D glasses join with Valcus and the Tycoon army to battle the mechanical hordes, Linaly, Prettz and the dead kid head to the catacombs below Tycoon to seek out their fire-breathing 747. The trio makes it to the dragon, who turns out to be a little smaller than expected. Then the maniacal warlord makes his appearance, calling himself Raw Deal or Jaw Peel, or something to that extent. After he proves himself invincible to their puny powers, the fiend kidnaps Linaly and her luminescent ass, then leaves, joined by his army of metal Mumbly Joes. Somehow or another, after Linaly's been taken, the little dragon whelp grows up real quick into a full scale monster of menace! And this finishes up the Dragon Chapter.
"The Star Chapter" begins next, and is the final chapter of our story. It opens with the amalgamated monstrosity Raw Deal (I still don't know his real name, so I'll just stick with that) narrating to himself his plan to become DeathGyunos while his robot minions prepare the device and the crystals that will do so, including the shiny gem still nestled in Linaly's colon. Not to worry though little girl, because here comes the cavalry, pulled through space in their respective airships by the awakened dragon! With a little help from Grandpa Shido's brain, still alive and VERY large after all this time, Mid leads the good guys to Raw Deal in time to face him following his astrophysical makeover into DeathGyunos. Fast thinking heroes they are though, they do the right thing, seemingly defeating the big monster by ramming their helicarrier into him! After the resulting explosion, DeathGyunos is nowhere to be seen, so Prettz heads into the debris to search for Linaly while Valcus leads his own search for the crystals. Prettz is in for an introduction to married life though when, after "saving" her from a robot, Linaly suddenly flies off the handle and stomps the living shit outta her hero! Mid snaps her out of it though, and she remembers none of it, presuming Prettz got his ass kicked by a big green ogre with tits. Speaking of that jiggly chested brute, Valcus pops up and blows it away with his dual machine guns. Everything's done, right? WRONG!
DeathGyunos rises from the ashes once more, not willing to go down to some pansy-ass helicarrier! Especially not after all the shit he's gone through to get this cool new outfit. First he finishes off Mid, like he should've done long ago, then he goes after the others. The Wind Crystal then switch hits, jumping out of Linaly and into Prettz's chest now. Everyone takes their swings at Death G and he's finally weakened by a swarm of angry Chocobos summoned by Linaly, then finished off by Prettz and his big sword, pushed on by the Wind Crystal... beaten by a mob of featherless ostriches and a kid with an oversized butter knife huh? Don't kid yourself "DeathGyunos", you're no Death God and you never will be. Now, how about you get back on your knees and fetch me some Ben & Jerry's, got it? And make sure it's anything but that "Chunky Monkey" shit, or I'll hide your trachea box again!
So, the big bad boss is dead, the crystals are returned to their rightful places on Planet R, Valcus becomes Rouge's fat leather man slut, and everyone else lives happily ever after in their own ways. The End.
As with the first installment of this mini-series, there wasn't a whole lot of shit to make this a big deal. I mean, yeah, it became more like a Final Fantasy story with the space travel and the big evil monster boss and the "dramatic final team battle" ending, but there could've been so much more done. For instance, I wanted to see more of this Raw Deal guy's story, I wanted a drawn out battle that would entertain me longer, I wanted a bigger variety of monsters and what the FUCK was with that "Linaly suddenly kicks the crap outta Prettz" scene?! Oh well, it was still fun none-the-less, even though it could've been better. Either way, I'm gonna go watch that movie about the time traveling driving instructor and his partner the talking pie... is there anything that Ron Howard can't do?
The Moral of the Story: If a woman carries a used a used tampon inside her too long, it can lead to what's known as "Toxic Shock Syndrome". If a woman holds a mystical gem in her can for too long, it can lead to what's known as "Stomp the Shit Out of Your Boyfriend for No Good Reason Syndrome". So, in light of this revelation ladies, do your men (and girlfriends even) a favor and change your ass crystals regularly, okay?
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- It's fun and the energy is good, but it doesn't have enough "adult content" to satisfy most of your typical dick and fart joke lovin' H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. candidates.
Sequel to: Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals - Volume 1 (duh.)
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Dragon Quest: the Animated Series or Slayers
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