For probably the first (and last) time EVER A-Pix releases a movie I actually like (aside from Dario Argento's Phantom of the Opera)! Why do I like this movie? Well, unlike their other movies, it doesn't get dragged down by terrible acting, ugly ass chicks baring their nasty tits, or rubber faced trolls trying to act menacingly. Actually, the bad acting stuff still holds true, but the center of this movie belongs to it's title character: a blood thirsty snowman on the rampage! He looks incredibly cheap and spouts many one-liners which, where they delivered by anyone other than a killer snowman, would be simply annoying.
Our story opens in the opening credits, as an old man traumatizes his young granddaughter with the murderous Christmas story of Jack Frost. Jack was a Jeffrey Dahmer-esque serial killer, who would hack up his victims and put the pieces into pies! However, Jack gets careless and the careless get caught (hence why I don't get caught) as Jack is jailed by a small town sheriff named Sam.
The movie picks up from here, as we follow the transport truck carrying Jack to his execution. But, we wouldn't have a flick if Jack made it to the execution as planned, so the truck collides head on with a chemical transport tanker, spilling both vehicles into the occurring blizzard! Jack frees himself, killing one of the guards. Then, just as he's about to attack the other guard, he notices the chemical tanker truck as it bursts open! Jack is swallowed by an experimental liquid which melts him into the surrounding snow cover, bonding him with it and turning him into a psychotic shape shifting Frosty that would kick Michael Keaton's bulbous powdered ass!
Nearby, in the town Jack was caught, Snowmonton (though in spite of it's name, the only snow exists on the sidewalks, and it's not even convincing snow at that), Sheriff Sam Tiler is very uneasy. You see, he's the aforementioned small town sheriff who got lucky and incarcerated Mr. Frost, and he won't feel safe for himself or his family until he hears that Jack's been thoroughly executed and everything's okay. We know that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon!
Sure enough, bad things start to happen in Snowmonton, as an old man is found frozen inside and out on his front porch, and a teenage bully gets his head lobbed of his shoulders courtesy of a run away sled! SLED-FU! Not to worry though, because the tax-sapping FBI have arrived. Why? They're being dickheads and not telling anyone.
Jack's next victim is some guy who follows the philosophies of Oprah. Or did, until Jack rammed a big oak axe handle down the poor bastard's throat! Next he violently decorates a grieving mother, turning her into a Christmas tree you'd expect Pinhead and the Cenobites to put up for the holidays! Fearing a serial killer on the loose and under the watch of an incompetent police force, the 20 or 30 residents of Snowmonton gather together in the town church, hoping that maybe "God" will save them? Well, as proof there is no God, Jack continues his winter wonderland killing spree, with the FBI taskforce in hot pursuit!
Not at the church are two horny teens who decide to be adventurous and fuck in the sheriff's house! The thing that sux most of all about living in a place like Snowmonton, is that you have to take off seven layers of clothing just to fuck! By the time that’s all done with the girl's usually lost interest, leaving the guy to get champagne while she goes off to bathe. Of course, this gives any killer snowmen that happen to be stalking them time to kill the guy with deadly icicles, before going up to rape the girl with his carrot and collapse her skull on the bathroom wall. Oh the hazards of sex in a cold area.
Unfortunately for the good citizens of Snowmonton, the FBI taskforce is snowed in at Denver, leaving the lives of the people in the hands of their, again, incompetent police force, and two bumbling weirdoes the FBI sent ahead to scout out the situation. Someone has a plan, and the heroes manage to hold off the killer Sno-Cone with hairdryers, while they force him into the church's furnace! But, all this manages to do is turn ol' Jack to water vapor, which allows him to possess the body of the nerdy FBI scientist! He can't hold it too long though, as he is vomited up and leaves the dork for dead. With the other FBI guy ripped up by Jack's jagged icy teeth, it's up to Sheriff Tiler to save everyone. How? Well, he put together a plan which, lucky for him, works, as he pulls Jack out a second story window and into the back of a truck filled with anti-freeze! Though I imagine that anti-freeze can't feel too good in Tiler's new gaping chest wound, Jack is dissolved, packed into jugs, and buried in unmarked graves, dead forever…
Come on, we know that in horror movies there is no forever! Look at Puppet Master! That series was supposed to end in Part 5: the Final Chapter, but there's already been 2 more sequels with at least another in the future! You know it's not long before Jack returns in Jack Frost 2: Frost Harder!
Anyway, as I said, this movie is chock full of one liners that are so bad, they're good! Jack is one big laughable special effect, and looks hilarious even when he tries to be menacing! In addition to Jack, there are some other fairly funny one-liners dealt by other members of the cast, and there's even a heavy metal version of "Silent Night"! Rock on! Now kids, in honor of this joyous holiday classic, I'd like you all to join hands in brotherhood, look to the heavens, and say, "Oh shit…".
The Moral of the Story: Think twice next time you feel the urge to do the Frosty Stomp on a snowman you didn't assemble yourself...
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Are you kidding me?! This flick is 100% H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. tested, H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. approved!
Sequel: Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Rumplestiltskin or Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh
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