Jack Frost was funny. It was a horror-comedy that never really took itself seriously and wound up being an instant classic to those like myself who enjoy the occasional badly made splatstick flick. When I heard of Jack Frost 2, and it's Troma-like subtitle, "THE REVENGE OF THE MUTANT KILLER SNOWMAN", I was eagerly awaiting the moment I could lay my eyes up against the screen and watch yet another "so bad it's good" waste of an hour and a half. I know I've said it before at some point, but if you use the whole "so bad it's good" analogy for Jack Frost 2, I guess that means that Jack Frost 2 wasn't bad... enough... every time I say this line, I completely confuse myself and lose track of what it is I'm doing! Cursed by my own attempts at being witty... poetic justice or just plain cruel trick my subconscious is playing on me?
Uhm, never mind, let's just get to the sequel before I hang myself again! First off, allow me to make note of the horrendous camera quality used in the filming of this movie. The producers apparently thought it better to cut down on the film budget, opting for this cheap sitcom quality garbage so they could add to the CGI budget. Story wise, we begin after Sheriff Sam Tiler (hero of Jack Frost) finishes up his latest psychiatrist visit in an attempt to deal with his consistent fear of Jack Frost possibly returning. It's a year later, and some kind of covert research facility (possibly government funded, but never explained) digs up the jugs o' Jack buried in the last film's final scenes. The scientists make attempt after attempt in an effort to return Jack to his Frosty form, but everything leads to failure. Then, one night, a bumbling janitor bumps a mug off hot cocoa into a fish tank full of liquid Jack, which somehow allows the renegade Sno-Cone to return to his snowman form. The first thing on ol' Jack's list is to hunt down that bastard Tiler and get revenge for the anti-freeze bath he suffered the year before! Speaking of Sam, he and his wife are in Hawaii for their second honeymoon... how exactly is a serial killer made of snow going to accomplish killing a guy who's surrounded by tropical weather and sunshine?! Oh well, logic aside, Jack isn't about to let the weather keep him from his revenge, so he melts down, jumps in the Pacific, and it's off to Hawaii!
After a quick assault on some nitwit castaways, Jack picks up a new carrot nose before finally reaching the island, being reduced to nothing more than a talking tuber at first. Not to worry though, because Jack soon gets back into the swing of things, using his Christmas magic in killing off three conceited college broads. Conceited or not, mildly brain dead or not, I'd still go all Patrick Bateman on ‘em! I'd just feed ‘em to the sharks afterwards. Brought in to investigate the murders is Manors, the FBI agent/victim that got his face ripped up by icicle teeth in Jack Frost, who, after extensive plastic surgery and facial restructuring, returns in JF2:RMKS as the eye-patched head of security for the island. But, in an effort to save money and reputation, the Tropicana Hotel's owner orders the island employees to keep the murders hush hush, chalking it all up to coconut sharks... Okay, anyway, in an effort to get the chilly bastard themselves, Sam, Manors, and the fruity activities director "Captain Fun" team up. The trio fails left and right, as not even a Hotel costume party is enough to draw Jack into the open.
Suddenly one night, Sam's fears are proven to his wife and friends, as the island is covered in a blizzard! But, everyone decides to chalk it up to a freak storm. What, a mutant killer snowman is too outlandish to believe?! Sure enough, everyone's left eating their words with a side of coleslaw, when Jack goes on an all out killing spree! Knocking off limbs with subsonic snowballs and spearing others with icicle missiles! Our heroes fight back, with Super Soakers filled with anti-freeze and a pit trap filled with coolant, but all for naught, as we discover that, since Jack's DNA is now bonded with the blood that was squirted on him by Sam near the end of Jack Frost, he's immune to anti-freeze! Oh, and thanx to the inherent dangers of genetic mutation, Jack also has the ability to spawn little fanged snowballs! Capturing one of the little CGI FX, our cast experiments with ways on how to destroy the bugger, succeeding only in wasting their time. So, the only solution is to capture them and keep them trapped in lidded containers until something better comes along. And, something better does come along, as, purely by accident, one of the tightly packed little shits overindulges and drinks a banana daiquiri. Normally not a real problem if you don't count the bad after taste or possible alcohol poisoning, but when Jack inherited Sam's immunity to anti-freeze, he also inherited his allergic reaction to Banana! However, where as Jack simply swells up and bleeds anally, Jack (and his spawn) dissolve into a pile of goo!
So, the remaining good guy brigade stock their squirt guns with daiquiris, blast the little heathens, and end the threat of snowballs with jagged teeth. But, daddy Jack isn't exactly ecstatic that his children are all dead now, so you know he's gonna be looking for payback. Jack returns, offs a couple more good guys, and just as he's about to finish off Sam's wife as revenge for the island wide genocide of his frozen family, Sam arrives to save the day. It's not that Sam saves the day that pisses me off, it's fact that he does so with an arrow... an arrow with a banana strapped to the end of it... excuse me as I rage and scream and cry... Jack gets turned into a floor full of red whipped cream and Sam and his wife live happily ever after. Now, the credits finally role, highlighted by a mildly amusing "Jackzilla" parody.
Okay, the original Jack Frost amused us all (well, a few of us) with it's low production values, horribly cheesy humor, and a villain that was the work of an FX team that probably spent most of it's money on porn and marshmallows instead of the bad guy's costume. This was funny. It was a nice change from all the serious crap that winds up just plain bad which we seemed to have been cramped with at the time. Truly refreshing and amusing.
As for JF2:RMKS, someone took a wrong turn. Our cheap special effects have been dumbed down even more, to intolerable limits. CGI was brought in too. CGI so bad that it almost makes Grim look respectable. What am I talking about, Grim could never be respectable! Anyway, the acting was bad, but it was in the first one too, so I'm not holding anyone accountable for that. Then there's our heavy metal holiday music, which has been replaced by stupid and amnesia inducing "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" music. You know, the cutesy kinda shit. There's no amusing dialogue to start it off with (one of the original's best parts) and, like I said before, the film style is atrocious.
Oh, and even for a movie that's not supposed to make a whole lot of scientific logic, what's up with that whole "Jack is resurrected by hot chocolate" bullshit?!
Character wise, the first was, again, nothing too special to start with, but the characters in this movie are full out, balls to the floor, crap! The only likable character (and this was only part of the time even) was the Colonel who runs the hotel. His over exaggerated war stories were about the only thing that made me laugh, especially the one that ends, "... they killed 150 of us before the C.O. gave us the order to get out of bed!".
Finally, allow me to rip on the sets. The first movie had some sets that were believable. I don't know if they were on location shots, or just sound stages, but they looked almost convincing. As for JF2:RMKS, you can tell that not ONE ounce of the lighting was caused by natural light. The Tropicana Hotel, the surrounding vegetation, the entire island itself, not ONE of these settings were even mildly believable! The point of movies is to take us to a fantasy world were we wouldn't normally be. You can walk into any middle school auditorium and you'd probably be more likely to think you were in a tropical landscape than you would be if you watched this movie! Bad work all around as A-Pix just negated the one good thing they had going for them: Jack Frost. I'd ask for a good sequel that could help turn Jack Frost into a lovable psychopath with a fun to watch series ala Puppet Master, but after JF2:RMKS, I no longer care. All I want for Christmas is the painful burning destruction of A-Pix!
The Moral of the Story: Think twice next time you feel the urge to do a sequel to what was, at best, a lucky fluke.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- It may suck the swollen and wrinkled in comparison to the original, but there's still plenty here (if not more) for you, some friends and a liberal dose of your favorite recreational narcotic to crack wise on for a good 90 minutes!
Sequel to: Jack Frost
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Leprechaun or Munchies
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