A lot of people (okay, so just some guy named Tor), complain that The Tomb Of Anubis doesn't pay enough lip service to the stars of the Universal silver screen, without which modern horror wouldn't even exist. Well, first of all, modern horror would've come about with or without the likes of Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney Jr., Basil Rathbone, John Carradine, etc. This isn't to say that I don't respect these fine actors nor their works. Hell, there's a reason those old skool black and white horror movies of the past are called "classics", but even without them there will always be good ol' fashioned evil and horror in the world, so yes, we'd definitely have a horror genre today either way. Anyway, it's my fucking site, and if I suddenly decided to dedicate it to nothing but the films of Ben Murphy, Donald Duck, and a life-sized sculpture of Robert Goulet made entirely out of corned beef hash, than that's just what I'll do damn it! Hell, who knows, maybe if I did that I'd actually start getting some visitors... my site sucks, no one looks at it and the few who do think it's about as entertaining as readin the ingredient list to a box of Shredded Wheat... for a God of Death and Embalming, I'm pretty damn pitiful.
Anyway, for those of you who aren't satisfied with my review of Plan 9 From Outer Space (featuring Bela Lugosi!) or the original 1932 version of The Mummy (starring Boris Karloff!) as far as movies starring the Universal monsters' actors, then I bring you Lon Chaney Jr., "the Man of a Thousand Faces" himself, in the cult classic midnight movie Spider Baby.
Chaney's involvement starts off early, as he actually narrates the bizarre little opening song, then gets into the movie itself too. The basis of our flick is a little known (i.e. "made up") degenerative disease known as the Marrye Syndrome, named so because it only afflicts members of the eccentric and twisted Marrye family, which by the time of our film has been weeded down to only 5 surviving members. First we have the kids, Virginia (who thinks she's a seductive Black Widow and has a fondness for nets and knives), Elizabeth (a full out hate monger) and their zany brother Ralph (think an overgrown amalgamation of Telly Savalas and that mutant kid from Humongous). Other than the kids are Uncle Ned and Aunt Martha, but we'll get into them later on. With their parents dead and their aunt and uncle, uhm, "unfit" to be their guardians, the kids need someone to look after them, right? Well, that's what lovable old Bruno (Lon Chaney Jr.) is there for! Long the family's chauffeur, Bruno is now more than that, as he takes care of the kids and upkeeps the rundown Marrye family home.
Our tale begins with just another day at the Marrye household. The happy-go-lucky mail carrier arrives with a package. What he finds instead is the overly playful Virginia, who traps the poor wage earner in her "web" (an open window and a net), then proceeds to "sting" (i.e. stab and hack at repeatedly with kitchen knives) him to death. From here it's up to old Bruno as usual to clean up the mess and hide the body to protect the family from getting in trouble... they (they being the half-wit morons who run television programming in this day and age of unfunny sitcoms, "reality tv" and overpriced game shows) could make an entire situation comedy (or "sitcom" as the kids these days call 'em) out of this movie! It'd be like a morbid version of "Mr. Belvidere", with Bruno as the wise yet wacky chauffeur who helps the kids get out of many a real life jam, all topped off with a weekly moral lesson! Mr. French ain't got shit on Bruno! Like I always say, I should be allowed to pull a double shit and sign on as the God of Television Programming too damn it. I'd start my own channel, called Me: Television For Anubis, or Deathtime, or Beryllium... anything as long as it's a parody of one of those damn "women's television" channels. Why? Because I can't sit in front of the TV Guide Channel for two cursed minutes at a time without seeing a listing for some Godz awful made-for-TV movie starring Richard Grieco, Eric Roberts or at least ONE of the cast members of "Saved By The Bell" thanx to the Estrogen pumping mofettes at Lifetime, We or Oxygen! Even a death god can handle only so much Eric Roberts! Hulk Smash!
So, anyway, one day the peace and quiet and homicidal cannibalism that makes up the Marryes' lives is threatened, as the siblings' distant cousins, Peter and Emily Howe, show up on the doorstep with claims to legal guardianship of their diseased relatives. Now, Pete and Emily are obviously do-gooders who want nothing more than to give their unfortunate relatives the love, care and attention that they deserve, despite being "different". I mean, the only other reason they'd want legal guardianship of the kids is so they could get their hands on the Marrye family fortune, but they're too good and committed to family bonds to be so selfish, right? Yes, and I'm really General Sour Balls, the evil dictator of Candy Land, who led a blood-soaked coup d'etat in my merciless ambition to control the vast wealth that comes from the chocolate rivers and gum drop mountain. Ruling at my side is my sinister cross dressing accomplice Mayor McCheese and his sister/daughter/wife, an inflatable Joyce Dewitt love doll. My legions consist of an army of gingerbread foot soldiers, all with their faces painted up with frosting to look like creepy mimes, riding atop blenders and commanding teams of rabid chocolate bunnies... man, these twisted Candy Land daydreams are starting to happen WAY too frequently... and the details just get more enigmatic and just a little bit disturbing... maybe it's time I started popping those brain pills that guy with the leather couch has been telling to take... I think his name was Pablo...
Senseless rantings aside, to further the obvious point that Pete and Emily are only claiming custody of their young cousins is for the cash, they've also brought along the deadliest and most menacing of all implements of torture in a horror movie... :::dramatic pause::: their lawyer, Mr. Schlocker! :::overly dramatic reverb::: Oh, and his "assistant" Ann. First of all, you know that this little group is in for trouble, I mean, they're greedy, self centered bastards who want to exploit their handicapped relatives for their inheritance. Not only that, but the handicapped relatives in question also happen to be blood thirsty cannibals prone to the occasional outbreaks of savage brutality. This we all knew and I just wanted to establish that for the particularly dense people who might be looking at this. Secondly, what the fuck is with this Schlocker guy?! Not only does he remind me of an over-acted Bruce McCulloch character (though non fans of "The Kids In The Hall" will have no idea what that reference means), but "Schlocker"?! The name just rings "slimy lawyer bastard" from the mountaintops! I'm thinking his entire family has had some kind of dealings in the world of legal representation or insurance fraud. Kinda like one of those cheesy Three Stooges skits, with the law firm Dewey, Cheatum & Howe...
Back to "The Maddest Story Ever Told", it turns out that Pete really isn't all that bad. Seems he's actually concerned for the well being of his unfortunate (and very distant) cousins and Emily's and Schlocker are the only ones really foaming at the mouth over the potential pay off. As for Ann, well, let's just say that Schlocker obviously doesn't pay her for her legal savy or her razor sharp wit. Well, the group decides to stay the night with the family until they can work out legal issues in the morning. Pete and Ann opt for a night on the town, getting shit faced and plaster fucked rancid while Ann and Schlocker wander the dark mansion exploring for pawnable valuables and pirate gold, provided Scooby and the gang don't show up. But, it's not a talking Great Dane, a stoner, a slut, a 6'8" cock knocker and a chubby broad in orthopedic shoes that they've gotta worry about, because the kids will take care of them just fine... "keep it in the family" doesn't just refer to incest after all. The first to suffer personal damage is the Schlockmeister, whose $12 Legalese vocabulary does him about as much good as a tissue paper bodysuit when Virginia and Liz come down on him with a rain of sharp objects! As for Emily, she pays for her stick-up-the-shithole prude attitude and her anti-incest policy, as she gets raped by confused young Ralph, who's probably too stupid and ignorant to understand the already too cryptic world of love and love making. His pale attempts at hitting on her are shot down (which isn't a surprise, since his lack of forming comprehensible sentences keeps him from using the proper pick up lines), so you can understand why he has to force himself on her.
Freshly intoxicated beyond logical thought, Ann and Pete return to the house to bed down for the night. It's not long before the kids set their sights on the happy pairing too, especially young Virginia who tries to seduce cousin Pete like a Black Widow, leading to some knife wielding slapstick that either works well with the disturbed humor or works horribly with the underlying terror, either way I'm kinda lost here, because Virginia's starting to give me wood... and no, she's not a little girl, she's just dressed like one, so I'm not a pervert... I don't think... well, no more than usual... right? Pete manages to evade a fate of murderous and incestual jailbait, while Emily is apparently NOT dead and has come back to get some I Spit on Your Grave type revenge on cousin Ralphy. This too is foiled however, as Emily is dragged into the cellar by it's ravenous occupants, Uncle Ned (Beatty?) and Aunt Martha (Stewart?!)! Remember, I mentioned them earlier? Well, they're the only other survivors of Marrye Syndrome, and have reverted to the point of mindless cannibal psychopaths! You know why there aren't any Marrye family reunions? BECAUSE THEY EAT EACH OTHER FOR THE MAIN COURSE!
So, after this final mishap, Bruno decides he's had enough and it's time to bring an early end to the Marrye Syndrome courtesy of nature's oldest remedy: explosives. Yes, embracing the kids he loves so much one last time, Bruno blows up the mansion and he and the children with it in an ending that also borders the lines of dark humor and unsettling horror.
As an epilogue, Peter and Ann were both spared an early demise of the flaming debris kind, leaving Peter the sole heir to the Marrye fortune and leaving Ann to become his gold digging wife. I can already see the conversations at their wedding reception:
Bob Howe: Peter! My second favorite nephew! Congratulations my boy, that Ann's a fine piece of ass! Where'd you pick her up anyway? I'm looking for a 5th wife and was wondering if she has any Asian friends, heh heh.
Peter: Hey Uncle Bob! Actually, I met Ann during that whole night of murder and unrelenting horror that left my sister Emily eaten alive by our distant cannibal relatives. Don't you remember? Mom wrote all about it in last year's Christmas letter to the family.
Uncle Bob: Uhm, oh yeah, I remember now... well... I'm sorry about your sister and all, but those deviled eggs and screwdrivers are starting to do a number on my pooper, so I think I'll go take a crap on the centerpiece, French kiss great grandma Hazel and pass out in that pool of vomit the priest left in the punch bowl.
Peter: Okay Uncle Bob, thanx for coming out! And thanx for that great set of "M*A*S*H" collector's plates!
By the end of this quaint little fantasy, Uncle Bob lies passed out in the punch bowl, his miserable life fading away as the last breaths escape his bloated body... and not via the designated exits, but out the other side... fuck Jennifer Lopez (and I might not mind, provided I get to gag her and beat her over the head with a surgical 2x4 after it's over with), I'm the real wedding planner people should be seeking! But, I'd like to get this review finished sometime soon, so I'll get off the subject of short-lived career changes and get to work.
The very end of our movie shows us that the happy couple has a daughter... a baby daughter that has an affinity for staring at spiders... But, unlike every slasher movie from the '80s, Spider Baby did NOT have a sequel to exploit this wide-open type ending. Then again, Blood Feast didn't get a sequel until recently, so who knows what could happen... aside from a Gypsy oracle of course.
Spider Baby was an odd little story, predating Tobe Hooper's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes in terms of fucked up family lifestyles, adding to it with both the bizarre performance of Sid Haig as that wacky S.o.B. Ralph and the ever impressive creepiness of black & white. Now, don't confuse me with a stuck up (his ass) critic like Leonard Maltin when it comes to my preference for b&w movies, because it's not about being classy or any bullshit like that. My love for black and white cinema stems from the way the colors (or lack there of) enhance and elongate the shadows of everything, but you also don't have to worry about the color of make-up or fake blood looking realistic enough, because no matter what shade it is, it's always gonna come out the same damn colorless form in b&w film! And again, the maddening visions and mannerisms of Sid Haig help a lot. On the downside, Spider Baby lacked a couple things along the lines of gore and soundtrack, as the blood just didn't flow enough and the music gets old real quick. However, the balance of the horror and comedy goes off whack at times and I don't think I was supposed to be turned on by Virginia, but I was, so I'm still confused. Either way I think Lon Chaney was wasted, as Bruno never really played a prominent figure in the film until the end where he kills off everyone... and where'd all those explosives come from anyway!? Anyway, the rating stands and I'm going to go watch those scenes of Virginia seducing Pete again...
The Moral of the Story: It's not nice to look down on the ugly and mentally fucked people of the world... cuz they're gonna stab you in the face and eat your guts when you're not looking.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Black & white is usually an instant killer when it comes to a H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. movie, but with the craziness going on here, it's more than enough to make it a future party classic!
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: American Gothic or
The Hills Have Eyes
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