[ : Home : ] .......... [ : Lexicon of Gibberish : ] .......... [ : Polls : ] .......... [ : Zodiac : ] .......... [ : Shooting : ] .......... [ : contact : ] adversity "By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) age "Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) age and youth "The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity" -Mark Twain (1835-1910) alcohol "Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) america "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) anger "When angry, count four; when very angry, swear." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) babies "A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) bankers "A banker is a fellow who lends his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) belief "Between believing a thing and thinking you -know- is only a small step and quickly taken." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) bible "It ain't those parts of the bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) blame "There are many scapegoats for our blunders, but the most popular one is Providence." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) books "'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) charity "In all the ages, three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been conscience money." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) christianity "If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would -not- be - A Christian." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) circumstances "Circumstances make men, not man circumstances." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) classes "The human race consists of the damned and the ought-to-be-damned." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) conscience "Your conscience is a nuisance. A conscience is like a child. If you pet it and play with it and let it have everything that it wants, it becomes spoiled and intrudes on all your amusements and most of your friefs. Treat your conscience as you would anything else. When it is rebellious, spank it-be severe with it, argue with it, prevent it from coming to play with you at all hours, and you will secure a good conscience; that is to say, a properly trained one. A spoiled one simply destroys all the pleasure in life. I think I have reduced mine to order. At least, I haven't heard from it for some time. Perhaps I have killed it from over-severity." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) courage "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) cowardice "The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) custom "Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) death "The report of my death was an exaggeration." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) depression "The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) devil "But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) diplomacy "The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy-give one and take ten." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) disloyalty "The first thing I want to teach is disloyalty.... This will beget independence-which is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) dreams "The recurrent dream. Mine is appearing before lecture audiences in my shirttail. A most disagreeable dream." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) dress "Be careful in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) education "Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) envy "Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) example "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) facts "Facts, or what a man believes to be facts, are always delightful.... Get your facts first, and then you can distort 'em as much as you please." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) fame "Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) familiarity "Familiarity breeds contempt-and children." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) fathers "Always obey your parents, when they are present." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) fools "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) france "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals-apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) gambling "If there was two birds setting on a fence, he would bet you wihch one would fly first." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) genius "Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered-either by themselves or by others." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) god and man "None of us can be as great as God, but any of us can be as good." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) golf "Golf is a good walk spoiled." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) good "To be good is noble, but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) greatness "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) grief "God's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) habit "Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) historians "Although this work is a History, I believe it to be true." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) human nature "Human nature is the same everywhere: it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) ideas "The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) ignorance "That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don't know nothing about it." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) ingratitude "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) international relations "I asked Tom if countries always apologized when they had done wrong, and he says: "Yes; the little ones does." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) inventions "All the modern inconveniences." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) joy "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) juries "The jury system puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty, and a permium upon ignorance, stupidity and perjury." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) kings "The institution of Royalty in any form is an insult to the human race." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) laughter "Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) life "Obscurity and a competence-that is the life that is best worth living." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) literature "To my mind that literature is best and most enduring which is characterized by a noble simplicity." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) loneliness "Be good & you will be lonesome." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) lying "The principle differences between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) majorities "Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?" -Mark Twain (1835-1910) "The majority is always in the wrong. Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it's time to reform - (or pause to reflect)." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) man "Man was made at the end of the week's work, when god was tired." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) mankind "Can any plausible excuse be found for the crime of creating the human race?" -Mark Twain (1835-1910) manners "Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) maxims "Benjamin Franklin's maxims were full of animosity toward boys. Nowadays a boy cannot follow out a single natural instinct without tumbling over some of those everlasting aphorisms and hearing from Franklin on the spot... If he wants to spin his top when he has done work, his father quotes, "Procrastination is the thief of time." If he does a virtuous action, he never gets anything for it because "Virtue is its own reward." And that boy is hounded to death and robbed of his natural rest because Franklin said once, in one of his inspired flights of malignity: Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy and wealthy and wise." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) money "Get money. Get it quickly. Get it in abundance. Get it in prodigious abundance. Get it dishonestly if you can, honestly if you must." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) morality "There is a Moral Sense, and there is an Immoral Sense. History shows us that the Moral Sense enables us to perceive morality and how to avoid it, and that the Immoral Sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) motives "We ignore and never mention the Sole Impulse which dictates and compels a man's every act: the imperious necessity of securing his own approval, in every emergency and at all costs." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) nations "Each nation -knowing- it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) opinion "It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) optimism & pessimism "There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) patriotism "The modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism is loyalty to the -nation- all the time, loyalty to the government when it deserves it." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) plagiarism "Perhaps no poet is a conscious plagiarist, but there seems to be warrant for suspecting that there is no poet who is not at one time or another an unconscious one." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) politicians, corrupt "Suppose I am a crook, and suppose I am a congressman, but I repeat myself." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) popularity "Everybody's private motto: it's better to be popular than right." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) poverty "Remember the poor-it costs nothing." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) prayer "You can't pray a lie." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) preachers "He was a preacher... and never charged nothing for his preaching, and it was worth it, too." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) prejudice "I am quite sure... I have no race prejudice, and I think I have no color prejudices, nor caste prejudices. Indeed, I know it. I can stand any society. All I care to know is that a man is a human being-that is enough for me; he can't be any worse." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) principles, moral "Prosperity is the best protector of principle." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) prosperity "Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's I mean." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) prudence: rules "Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) public speaking "I... never could make a good impromptu speech without several hours to prepare it." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) the public "The public is merely a multiplied 'me'." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) publishers "How often we recall, with regret, that Napoleon once shot at a magazine editor and missed him and killed a publisher. But we remember, with charity, that his intentions were good." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) reflection "Reflection is the beginning of reform." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) reform "Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) repartee "Man (to his friend): I think it a shame that you have not spoken to your wife. How do you explain it? How do you justify it? Friend: I didn't want to interrupt her." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) respectability "Virtue has never been as respectable as money." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) right "Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) "Do right, and you will be conspicuous." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) san Francisco "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) school "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) secrets "Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) self-discipline "Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for aquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) silence and speech "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) "It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) statesmen "In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) status "In Boston they ask, How much does he know? In New York, How much is he worth? In Philadelphia, Who were his parents?" -Mark Twain (1835-1910) stock market "October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are, July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) success "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, then success is sure." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) superstition "Let me make the superstitions of a nation, and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) sympathy "The more you join with people in their joys and their sorrows, the more nearer and dearer they come to be to you." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) taxes "What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) temptation "There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) terrorism "There are two "Reigns of Terror"... one wrought murder in hot passion, the other in heartless cold blood... What is the horror of swift death by the ax compared with lifelong death from hunger, cold, insult, cruelty, and heartbreak?" -Mark Twain (1835-1910) theories "How empty is theory in presence of fact!" -Mark Twain (1835-1910) tobacco "To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) truth "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) "Truth is more of a stranger than fiction." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) "Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) truth and untruth "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer is mostly a true book, with some stretchers." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) truthfulness "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) value "Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his other-his last breath." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) vanity "There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) war "O Lord, our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending windows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sport of the sun-flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it-for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feed! Tw ask it, in the spirit of Love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen." -Mark Twain (1835-1910). "The War-Prayer," 1916 (written in 1904-1905), A Pen Warmed-up in Hell: Mark Twain in Protest, ex. Frederick Anderson, 1972. After dictating the "Prayer," Twain decided not to have it published during his lifetime: "I have told the truth in that, and only dead men can tell the truch in this world." (In The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, p. 243, ex. Alex Ayres, 1987) words "The difference between the -almost right- word and the -right- word is really a large matter-'tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) writers "Began another boy's book-more to be at work than anything else. I have written 400 pages on it-therefore it is very hearly half done. It is Huck Finn's Autobiography. I like it only tolerably well, as far as I have got, and may possibly pigeonhole or burn the MS when it is done." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) writing "It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) "There ain't nothing more to write about, and I am rotten glad of it, because if I'd "a" knowed what a trouble it was to make a book I wouldn't "a" tackled it, and ain't a-going to no more." -Mark Twain (1835-1910) "As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out." -Mark Twain (1835-1910)