journal2

March 08, 2001 (cont)
My tests are done!! I have been studying like a demon to get everything done this past week. It feels good to be done. I have started buying the stuff I need for my yard this year. I was going to put it on a separater page, but Mike laughed at me and made me feel stupid for it, so I will just put it in here. I got a little tree at school yesterday for Arbor day and I'm going to plant it behind my fence, they took one out last summer from there. Plus I got a bunch of vegetable seeds that I am going to start this next week. I watch this show called Natural Gardening, or something like that, and they showed how to start them in blocks of dirt that kind of fit into each other. So I need to get that (you make them) and I am ready to start. I am going to plant vegetables and flowers together along a strip on the side of the house, in the front and then flowers around the mailbox and lamp post. I did annuals around the lamp post last year. I am also going to plant something around my peach tree. Which is looking great this year, it's still twig sized though:) I did some studying today on my Chinese. I really hate writing those characters. I think I'm going to do it in pencil. I do it that way goofing off at school and it looks better, it's easier and I don't worry as much about what it looks like so much as if I can recognize it. I think they look better anyway. The book I have does them in pen and ink and they look like the pencil anyway (they have each character small with the Chinese name and definition beside it. I will update the Chinese page tomorrow or this weekend.

March 08,2001
I decided to write a little bit more in my journal. I have been thinking about something for the past few days. Now there may be people out there that know me that totally disagree with me about this, but I think I have really calmed down and mellowed out since I turned 31. I'm not sure if it's from the little bit of counseling I had, or turning 31, or being so busy I don't have time to freak out about everything like I did before. But I am really happier than I can remeber being in such a long time. I feel better and more secure about myself than I have in ages. I used to think I was really self assured, but I think I was just bold to cover up my feelings of inadequacy. I could give you some examples, but I'm not that much into self disclosure on here....haha. I used to get instantly mad (and it hasn't been all that long ago) if someone said something I didn't like. I took everything so personally. But I don't seem to do that as much anymore. I'm not going to say I never do it because I'm sure I do. I am so comfortable with Mike now. We have been together for almost 5 years, but it hasn't always been easy by any stretch of the imagination. We had a difficult time after my surgery and it took therapy for me to forgive him for something that happened 2 1/2 years ago, but now that I have forgiven him (or let it go within myself) it has made a world of difference. I no longer try to pick fights with him to make him as unhappy as I was feeling. I guess I thought you hurt me, so it's my turn to hurt you. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to put out on paper how I have been feeling. I wanted to make a song play when you came to this page, but I can't figure out how to do it yet. Maybe later.

March 14, 2001
Spring break is half over and I haven't gotten all that much accomplished...surprise, surprise. I did find out that since I have a bachelor degree I'm not eligible for grants, that is a disappointment. I was kind of counting on a few grants to help take the burden of tution off my shoulders. Oh well, such is life. I have finally started my annulment. I am not Catholic, but Mike is. I have been putting this thing off for more than 4 years, so I figure if I ever want to get married I better get going on it. I have had the paperwork forever. I talked to the guy at the church and he is very nice and helpful. At first he thought there may have been a mistake and I wouldn't need one at all, on a technicality. I told him I'm not that lucky, and I'm not. I will have to do it. Now there is something about doing it two different ways, I need to go talk to him. I had to redo my little story and I thought I had final divorce papers, turns out all I had was the requests papers to do the divorce. So I have to send off for a copy of those now. Luckily I had a paper with the case number and phone number of the place that submitted them for us. So I will get a $4 money order tomorrow and send away for those. Plus I think I need a copy of Peter's baptism record. I left a message on his machine, but of course he hasn't called back yet. I so hate the idea of calling his mother, they hate me so badly. I had to call her for his phone number about a year ago and she was so cold and rude to me. I hate that woman. I know my Mom always says I don't hate anyone, but she is wrong. That woman is pure evil. In fact the whole family with a few exceptions is pure evil and hypocrites also. Don't get me started on those people. Anyway, I figure it will take about a year to do the annulment and then one way or another we can set a wedding date and then get started on the adoption process. Mike isn't as convinced as I am about doing a China adoption, he says lets decide "what is the best option at the time", which I kind of agree with, but I really feel China is the way to go. I don't know why, but if for some reason it's not possible or there is a better option I am still open and flexible. Well, I don't want to make this too long, so I'll stop for now

March 24, 2001
Spring break is over and I didn't do hardly anything. I am almost ready to submit my annulment papers. I have to fill out a few more questions (they want me to answer the questions on "willful denial of children" and then I am waiting for a copy of my final divorce decree and I am ready to send this thing in and let it be out of my hands. I was dreading this whole thing and I got really depressed over it, but then I had to meet with the tribunal on the 19th and they were so nice to me and really put me at ease. I don't know if it will be approved or not, but at least I'm feeling better about it now. Plus Mike is acknowledging how difficult this is for me. I hated that he acted like it was just something I had to do,because I don't have to do it if I don't want to. So that helps. I am doing really well in school. If I study just a little bit more I have a chance of getting strait A's, although I think I will probably end up getting one B, but that is fine with me. I found out my nutrician teacher is grading on a curve, which is helping me out. Instead of strugging for a B, I have a solid B and have the chance to make it an A. Mike and I are going to start camping. We went to check out a camp site on Thursday, but you had to hike in with all your gear for 3 miles. There is no way we could do that now. So we are going to keep looking. I have found a couple new Chinese adoption related sites I really like. The first is a web site about people who are waiting to receive their referrals and they have the pictures of the babies on there that have come in. They seem to be running at about a year now. A year from the time you put in your dosier to the time you get your referal. The other is an organization called Half the Sky. They are a group of parents that have already adopted from China and they have developed a program to bring in older women from the Chinese community to interact with the children so they can bond to someone. My description isn't really doing it justice. Check it out if you are interested in it.