Synopsis: Zoey's first love, Gianni, was a guy in Italy. He comes to visit her and turns out to be a huge fan of Cybill's. This is a fact Zoey had kept from Cybill, and she kept from Gianni the fact that Cybill Sheridan is her mother.. Plus, Gianni is something of a Don Juan and Cybill is into opera these days.

Episode features two early Cybill magazine covers. (misc/cyb_mags.htm)

Story by: Cybill Shepherd
Directed by: Jonathan Weiss.

The Cast

Character	Actor
Cybill Sheridan	Cybill Shepherd
Maryann Thorpe	Christine Baranski
Zoey	Alicia Witt
Ira Woodbine	Alan Rosenberg
Gianni	Bruno Campos
Julie	Linda Wallem
Waiter	Tim Maculan
Alison	Alison Martin

CYB = CYBILL = CYB

There were some non English phrases. I had limited luck with the Online Dictionaries and Translators out there. I did find the Don Giovanni opera quotes, so those are accurate. The transcript includes a link to the source site for this.

Soon after transcribing, I got a TextGrabber (a device that echos Closed Captioning) and I was able to get the foreign and unclear speech via it. Then I had luck translating them to English (via Babel Fish ), probably because I had got the correct spelling of the words. I put the translations to the right of the quotes. I didn't do this for the opera quotes and, on the long quote, I changed the translation to be more natural English.

Referenced above:

http://www.word2word.com/dic.html,
http://www.sensible.it/personal/resio/donjuan/mozart/index.html,
http://www.sunbeltindustries.com/si_textgrabber.htm,
http://babelfish.altavista.com/)

Transcribed via microcassette tape and notes. Also a little bits via a TextGrabber (Closed Captioning).

ANNOUNCER
[mellow] And now, back to the "Julie" show.

[As JULIE introduces CYBILL, they show two late 1960's Cybill magazine covers.]

JULIE
Our next guest was a fresh faced teenager, when she left her home town of Memphis, Tennessee for New York City, to become 1968's "Model of the Year," and one of the world's most popular cover girls. Here to tell us where she is now, please help me welcome, Cybill Sheridan.

[As CYBILL enters, the small AUDIENCE applauds nicely. She's in a good mood, amused and amusing.]

JULIE
[welcomely] Hi Cybill!

CYBILL
[shaking hands] Hi Julie!

[They sit.]

JULIE
So Cybill. Where are you now.

CYBILL
[good mood] Well.. I'm here.
Ha ha ha!
Actually, I'm living in Los Angeles, I'm an actor now--

JULIE
You know, we've done our homework, an' we found out you're currently appearing in a film that's doing really well!

CYBILL
[at a loss] I am?

JULIE
Well not in America. But in Europe! Huh. Which is big too.

CYBILL
Ohhh, ye-es! In Europe they appreciate an empowered woman past the age of forty five, I mean -- ha! -- here in Hollywood -- in this Town, if you're a woman an' you get old, you're in trouble. Of course, me? I'm not afraid to say "I'm forty eight years old an' proud of it!"

JULIE
[has been agreeing] Well good for you!

CYBILL
Ha ha ha ha.

[AUDIENCE applauds.]

CYBILL
[appreciative] Ahhhh. You know, we have to honor the age that we are, what ever it is.

JULIE
Here, here!

[JULIE and AUDIENCE renew applause.]

CYBILL
[earnest, nice] So Julie, how old are you?

JULIE
Excuse me?

CYBILL
How many years of wisdom do you have?

JULIE
I.. Uh, I.. I.. 'll check on that an' get right back to you after this word from our spo-onsors.

[The AUDIENCE applauds as they go to commercial with mellow music notes. JULIE had affected being in good humor at the end, but now it's clear that she's shaken. ALISON (the producer or director) comes out, wearing a headset.]

JULIE
Alison?
[to CYBILL] That was, that was very good, ha ha.

CYBILL
Oh! Thank you!

JULIE
[turns to ALISON, quiet, serious] She asked me how Old I am, on the Air. Can she Do that.

ALISON
[reassuring, firmly supporting] Don't Worry. You, were Great. Look, why. Why don't you go get yourself a niiice cup of herb tea. Huh? Huh?

[JULIE, not very assured, agrees, leaves for the tea, quietly upset. ALISON sits on the arm of JULIE's now vacant chair, totally focused on CYBILL. (She seems to be a fan.) CYBILL's concerned about JULIE. They speak quietly.]

CYBILL
Oh, Alison, I'm so sorry--

ALISON
Oh no no, don't be. Cybill, you were fantas--

CYBILL
--Look at Julie, she's so upsset! I sh-- I sh-- maybe I shouldn't have asked her how old she is.

ALISON
No no no! Cybill don't do anything different. That audience loves you!

CYBILL
[looks over] They do, don't they.

ALISON
Yes!

CYBILL
Ooo! I've got another idea! Listen, in the next segment, let's guess each other's weight!

[JULIE was returning with her tea just then and now quietly reacts, "Oh! No!" and leaves again..]

MARYANN
So you upset the Host an' now you're Barred from yet another entertainment arena.. Perhaps you can go back to the muppets.. I hear the new "Grover" is, flame retardant..

CYBILL
[calmly amused] For your information, Miss Smarty Pants, the producer of the "Julie!" show loves me, an' wants me back tomorrow. And once and for All, "Grover" set himself on fire.
[resentful] But does anyone believe me? Noooo! Because muppets don't lie!

[ZOEY comes in as MARYANN goes to the refrigerator for the olives.]

ZOEY
Mom, you're cooking. Why??

CYBILL
Uh, well, I thought that we could, you know, eeeat, so we wouldn't, you knooow.. die..

ZOEY
There's been a change of plans. We're going out to eat.

CYBILL
Oh! Where're we goin'?

ZOEY
In separate directions.. I'm so nervous. I haven't seen Gianni in two years. Do I look okay?

MARYANN
You look gorgeous!

ZOEY
[anxious] Oh! No-no-no, these shoes look like kayaks! [leaves]

CYBILL
Oh! Maryann! So excited for her! This man flew halfway around the world, just to see her..

MARYANN
He must be exhausted. What with the jet lag, an', tryin' to get Zoey's Virginity through Customs..
Well, she did, leave it at his place..

CYBILL
Oh Maryann. This could be a very important night for Zoey, you know? A night that she will never forget.

MARYANN
Wow, remember when a date wasn't just a date? It was History.

CYBILL
[opera singing] "Joyous night, oh ni-ight of Love! Your mys-tic shadows bless us!"

[MARYANN dramatically holds CYBILL's hand, joining in.]

MARYANN and CYBILL
"Starry hea-vens high above! Oh joooyous night of Love! Time is fleet and bears away the passions that possess us!"

ZOEY
[has urgently returned] Mother! You promised! No more Opera, it's irresponsible! Whales are beaching themselves all across North America.

CYBILL and MARYANN
[singing, still in the mood to and to aggravate her] "Far from this enchanted shore, returning never more!"

ZOEY
[leaving] Help me.

CYBILL
[following her, arm in arm with MARYANN] "Enjoy while you may!"

MARYANN
[singing] "Ah haaaaaaa!"

CYBILL
"Your beloved's caresses!"

MARYANN
"Ah ha ha haaaaa!"

ZOEY
[door bell rings] Oh god! It's him!

CYBILL
Uh! Well, open the door! Let's take it from--

CYBILL and MARYANN
"Before the dawn of daaaaay!

ZOEY
Mother!

[MARYANN and CYBILL stop, are amused.]

ZOEY
[calmly appealing to them] Mother, please! Do you take some sort of perverse joy in humiliating me?

CYBILL
[regret] Oh, I'm sorry Zoey. But, you know we're just teasing. Lighten up..

ZOEY
I'm sorry.
Look. Could I have just a moment alone with Gianni first? Then I'll bring him in to meet you, okay?

CYBILL
[good-natured] Okay, sure! Take your time. Ha ha..

[CYBILL and MARYANN turn toward the kitchen together as ZOEY heads for the door.]

CYBILL
[quiet] Me humiliate Her? You were singing too.

MARYANN
Oh, please. She couldn't possibly hear me over you. In fact, I'm not even sure I sang.

[At the front door, GIANNI is a good looking guy who appreciates ZOEY, very romantic, nice smile.]

GIANNI
Zoey. Oh my god, you look so--

ZOEY
No time. Gas leak. Danger. Run. Hi. Ha ha-- [(she slowly smiled in fun) rushes away with him]

[MARYANN and CYBILL get up, looking toward the door.]

CYBILL
I think he likes me.

MARYANN
Cybill, don't take it personally.. It's not unusual for a young woman to be embarrassed by her parents.. I remember when I was seventeen.. I had this huuuge Crush on this Shirtless Drifter who blew into town, and..

No, wait, that's a Kim Novak movie..

[The doorbell rings.]

MARYANN
[at a loss] What are we talking about?

CYBILL
[getting up for door] Oh! Being embarrassed by your parents. Well, I was embarrassed by my parents. But then, I was way-cool an' they weren't.

[IRA's come by, mellowly happy. He carries a small but very thick, very old book.]

IRA
Hey Cyb.

CYBILL
Hi Ira--

IRA
Zoey home yet?

CYBILL
Zoey? I don't think she goes by that name anymore. You see, her parents, gave her that name.

[They both are walking in the room now.]

CYBILL
If you have your heart set on meeting Mr. Gianni, you can just forget that. We humiliate Zoey.

IRA
I met him about an hour ago an' she seemed fine..

CYBILL
What?

MARYANN
Wait!
It wasn't Kim Novak. It was Susan Hayward. Oh, hello Ira! How long have you been here?

CYBILL
You met Gianni?

IRA
[struck] Yeah! They stopped by my house on the way to the restaurant. He's such a nice guy. He brought me hand packed sausages, from his village in Tuscany.

CYBILL
[pause, stands, enticed] Hand packed sausages?
[righteous, confused] Maryann! Aren't they supposed to give sausages to the mother?!

MARYANN
[dead certainty] No. It was Kim Novak.

IRA
[about the book] Well, I should run. I just want to drop this by. Gianni left it at my house. It's pictures of his Family Vineyard.

MARYANN
[interested] Vineyard?

CYBILL
Oh, now you perk up!

IRA
I didn't want to disturb Zoey an' Gianni at dinner so, would you make sure she gets that?

CYBILL
[takes book resentfully] All right..

IRA
[dry] Arriverderci.. [leaves]

Arrivederci = Good by.

MARYANN
Cybill, you're not gonna barge in on Zoey's romantic dinner just because you're resentful that Ira got to meet him an' you didn't.

CYBILL
[stands] Of course not! We'll figure out a better reason on the drive there.

[MARYANN follows her.]

ZOEY
[amused] You're not eating.

GIANNI
Huh! I am so nervous. I was, trying to think of what to say to you on the flight from Italy, like, uh.. Like, "I cannot get you out of my mind," and, "You have spoiled me, for other women." But these are silly words that anyone could say.

ZOEY
[wry] Yeah. I'm, so sick of hearing that.

[CYBILL and MARYANN arrive, stand by the door, looking around. CYBILL has the photo album.]

CYBILL
[whispers] There they are! I knew they'd be here. It's the only place Zoey has a tab.

MARYANN
Zoey has a tab?

CYBILL
Well, she's on my tab..

MARYANN
You don't have a tab. I'm the one with the tab.

CYBILL
[pause, looking at her] Okay. I'll pay you back.

[The smartass WAITER comes up with a tall menu.]

WAITER
Listen. I know she likes him but, I traced my phone number into his mashed potatoes. Was that wrong?

CYBILL
Give me that menu so we can hide! Now don't tell Zoey we're here.

[CYBILL and MARYANN hold the menu in front of their faces.]

WAITER
[wry] Oh. Where did they go. [moves on]

[CYBILL and MARYANN keep the menu up and sidle in the direction of ZOEY and GIANNI.]

GIANNI
So, uh, y-- your papa. He seems like a good man. What about your mama, tell me about her.

ZOEY
Well, there's, really not much to tell -- I mean, she's just your basic Mom. Uh! Incredibly normal.

[CYBILL and MARYANN quickly back up into a small room! The room has doors to the rest rooms.]

CYBILL
What was I thinking! This will never work! Let's leave!

MARYANN
Now?! We were just at the door! An' then we, scooted across the room like, Mutant, menu-headed Mice! An' now we're stranded outside the rest rooms with no where to go!

CYBILL
If I had a problem with my short term memory, you would really come in handy.

[The WAITER peeks in the door with a tray of two drinks: a martini and a bottle of beer.]

WAITER
Here. I thought you might like these.

CYBILL
Thank you!

[CYBILL and MARYANN immediately start drinking as MARYANN hands him back the menu.]

WAITER
Just in case you need something to explain your behavior. By the way, he's on his way in here. [leaves]

CYBILL
[desperate] Let's hide!

MARYANN
Why??! He's never seen you! He has no idea who you are! You're just one of the thousands of women in L.A. who.. Hang out around the men's room, drinking! [doubtful]

[GIANNI walks in. MARYANN is astonished at his good looks.]

GIANNI
[awed recognition] Cybill Sheridan? Could it be you?

CYBILL
[scared] It could be.

GIANNI
[proud and happy to see her] Oh, my god, it's really you: Cybill Sheridan! In the skin! I have seen, all your movies in Italy, I'm your biggest fan! An' now to see you like this, as -- as a person! Ah! You are as rrradiant, as the Sunshine.

CYBILL
Oh!

MARYANN
[deadpan] You haven't seen her eat ribs.

CYBILL
Hey..

[MARYANN goes into the women's room. ZOEY comes in.]

ZOEY
[surprised] Mother?

CYBILL
Hi honey..

GIANNI
[dismayed] Cybill Sheridan is your mother? Why didn't you tell me?! I have told you she was my favorite American starrr! You must introduce us!

ZOEY
Gianni, my mom. Mom, Gianni.

CYBILL
[earnest] Hi. [shakes his hand]

GIANNI
[appreciative, holds her hand] E l'onore di questa mia vita incontrare tanta bellezza del cinema americano. [touches his forehead to her hand]

And this is the honor of my life, to
meet the great beauty of American movies.

My Mother!

[ZOEY heads into the women's room. CYBILL hands GIANNI the photo album and follows her. Then, struck with pleased disbelief, she checks back with GIANNI.]

CYBILL
Uh! Are you sure you don't have me confused with Jessica Lange?

GIANNI
What! Nooo! You wipe off the floor with Jessica Lange!

CYBILL
[really pleased] Huh. You stay right there. [ducks back into the rest room]

CYBILL
Zoey! So Gianni's a fan of mine. So what?

ZOEY
He's your biggest fan. An' I cannot believe you would sneak in the restaurant like that.

MARYANN
Zoey, that's not fair. You gave your mother every reason to believe you were embarrassed by her! That's why she came down here.

ZOEY
[pause] So she could embarrass me?

MARYANN
[pause, to CYB] I'll let you handle it from here. [leaves]

ZOEY
[resentful] Why don't you go with her. I'm sure Gianni would love to get to know you better.

CYBILL
Uh! Zoey! Come on! Gianni came aaall the way from Italy to see you.

ZOEY
[jaded] Yeah. But now all he's gonna see is Cybill Sheridan's Daughter. It's like when I had my fifth birthday party an', you were just in that movie where you played that mutant fish creature? I thought the boys came to see me, but no, all they wanted was to see you pull your lips over your head.

CYBILL
Honey, we've been through this. What else could I do: the clown didn't show up.
Why are you being so insecure?

ZOEY
[wryly] Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because, when you were eighteen you were model of the year o' 1968 an', you had a career an' a, job, an' an apartment in New York City, whereas here I am, twenty, career impaired, living at home an', driving a car which was also model of the year o' 1968.

CYBILL
[pause, holds ZOEY looking in mirror] Look in the mirror.

[ZOEY and CYBILL stare together.]

CYBILL
You are so gorgeous.. I have been telling you that since the day you were born.

ZOEY
You're my mother. You have to say that.

CYBILL
Huh! This has gone on long enough! [calling out] Maryann!

[MARYANN was ready, comes in, is deadpan dramatic.]

MARYANN
The woman is Magnificent. She has been since Birth, and she just, keeps getting better. I would walk over Ground Glass for that hair. Or that skin. And you just Wake Up looking like that: Every Day! Damn you!

[ZOEY's started to lighten up with amusement.]

MARYANN
[continues, looking in mirror] Very well, I've said my piece. Now I will once again give you your privacy. [leaves]

CYBILL
[earnest] See. An' your not just gorgeous on the outside. You're beautiful on the inside. An' you're incredibly talented an' unbelievably smart.. An' you're funny.. I mean, that's why Gianni's come to see you! He's crazy about you!

ZOEY
[amused at self] Huh. Okay. Huh.
You wanna join us for dinner?

CYBILL
I already ate.

ZOEY
And your point is?

CYBILL
[pause, amused] Guess I could stay for one turkey leg.

[They leave together.]

CYBILL
"Batti, batti, o bel Masetto,
La tua povera Zerlina;
Staro qui come agnelliiina
Le tue botte ad aspettar!"
[(GIANNI gently snuggles ZOEY with fun.)]
"Batti, batti!"
[ZOEY is starting to miss notes as CYBILL determinedly tries to keep the concert in line.]
La tua Zerli--

[ZOEY stops playing to kiss him. CYBILL and MARYANN duck away, with the opera book, to the kitchen area but peek at them through the two sided, unlit fireplace. They're vicariously delighted to watch.]

MARYANN
Cybill, look.. Mozart has left the building..

[GIANNI and ZOEY are gently kissing.]

GIANNI
[calmly satisfied] Mmm. I'm so lucky you walked into that cafe in Positano, slipped on some soda, and landed on my life..

ZOEY
Are you sure that, now you're getting to know my mother, I won't become a huge disappointment..

GIANNI
How can you say that? You're mother, is like a Beautiful Tree, but you, Zoey, are that tree's Magnificent Blossom..

ZOEY
[appreciatively] Can you say that again.. Or write it down for me? Or, or, leave it on my answering machine?

GIANNI
[getting up] You know, [sigh] I would like so much right now to, take you back to my hotel--

ZOEY
[quickly gets up, business] I'll get my floss.

GIANNI
[stops her] But I won't. [holds her hand, leading her to the door]
[swarthy] We knew each other.. for such a short time, in Italy. My wish now is to start anew. Savor, every moment!

[He's led her to the door, taking his coat on the way. CYBILL and MARYANN are still watching, make mock kiss looks at each other.]

GIANNI
Buona sera, my beautiful flower. [kisses her]

Good evening.

[Over by the fireplace, CYBILL and MARYANN are satisfied.]

CYBILL
Well, I'm glad to know she's flossing.

MARYANN
[is struck] What a charming young man, oh..
[resigned, calm] Well, if I'm gonna give myself any time to be jealous an' bitter before bed, I better go now. [sighs, is leaving]

CYBILL
Hey, I didn't finish my Aria!

[MARYANN hastens her step!]

CYBILL
No running in the house!

[As MARYANN leaves, CYBILL sings loudly from the book for her own enjoyment.]

CYBILL
[singing] "Batti, Batti!"
[notices GIANNI knocking at the back door] Oh!
[gets door, casual] Hi! What'd you do, forget your photo album again? We're gonna have to pin that to your mittens.
[comedically] Zooo-ey!

GIANNI
[a smiling fan] Sh! Sh! Sh! I uh, I must talk to you.

CYBILL
Okay.

[They head toward the couch by the kitchen.]

GIANNI
I want to ask for Zoey's hand.

CYBILL
[surprised] Whoa. You've only known her for two days. And those two days are separated by two years!

[They sit.] GIANNI
I know. It's uh, very fast. [C: Huh!] But I also know, it's very right.

CYBILL
[friendly, uneasy] Well, I'm not the one you should be talking to about that. You should talk to Zoey, she's an adult!
That being said.. She's just a kid, she knows nothing about marriage -- please don't take my baby to Italy! Again.. it's between the two of you..

GIANNI
Well, I will ask her, in the morning. But please believe me, I will make a most devoted husband. Zoey will be my life!

CYBILL
Awww..

GIANNI
And, that means, of course that, there's only tonight for you and me..

CYBILL
[long, disbelieving pause] Huh?

GIANNI
For our Night, of Love

CYBILL
[breathes in, realizing]
Huh?

GIANNI
[a fan] We will make a night to never forget. I mean, Cybill Sheridan. That was always, just a Dream but, when I heard you sing, to me tonight, I knew that you felt--

CYBILL
[patting his shoulder] Gianni, you're just infatuated with the picture up on the screen! That being said, me tonight, my daughter in the morning, I don't think so, pal! [stood up and he jumped up, too!]

GIANNI
[urgent] Okay, okay, you had that look, in the movie, The Countess of Pain, just after the evil baron insulted you, an' you, with your bare hands, you..
[suddenly a bit scared] I gotta go. [rushes out!]

CYBILL
[shouting after him] Yeah, well you remember that look, pal! You're gonna get that any time you come near my daughter!
[flabbergasted, to self] Uh!
"Countess of Pain?"
Was I in that?

MARYANN
[angry] I cannot believe that he made a pass at you! Cybill, you just say the word, and that man is in a Turkish prison hanging by his heels while a thousand wasps tear at his honey dipped flesh.

[CYBILL is looking at her.]

MARYANN
No, I can do better. [sits on couch]

CYBILL
Who cares about him? I'm sick of talkin' about him! What about Zoey! She went to meet him!

MARYANN
We wouldn't be having this problem if you'd killed him last night like you were supposed to!

CYBILL
[sits] Well, I didn't kill him, because, because..
[shouting in exasperation] I don't kill people!

MARYANN
Oh, you don't Kill people, little miss Highway to Heaven!
[theatrically] An' now my poor little Zoey is out there about to get her Heart broken!

CYBILL
[resentful] Maryann, she's my daughter, too.

[ZOEY comes in, in a good, nice mood. She's wearing a jeans jacket and jeans.]

CYBILL and MARYANN
[overly friendly] Hi honey!

ZOEY
See, this is exactly why I wanted that private entrance into my room.

CYBILL
Are you all right, Zoey?

ZOEY
[interested, is sitting down] Yeah.. I'm really okay. Gianni asked me to go back to Italy with him for a couple of weeks an' I really want to know what you think -- by the way, I said yes.

MARYANN
[terse] Italy? I don't think so.

ZOEY
What's going on?

CYBILL
Honey, did Gianni say anything about last night?

ZOEY
No?

MARYANN
[very tense] Noooo, of course not. Because he's a Lyyyying.. Bastard who should be, strapped naked to the bottom of a tractor an' draaaaged over Forty Acres of Porcupines!

[CYBILL is looking at her.]

MARYANN
[determined] No, I can do Better.

CYBILL
[pause] What Maryann is trying to say, Zoey, is that last night after you went upstairs, Gianni came back, an' he.. well, he.. [sigh]

ZOEY
He came on to you..?

CYBILL
[pause, her look verifies it] I'm sorry, honey..

ZOEY
[long pause, struck] Wow.. I knew he was too good to be true..

MARYANN
[tense, determined, gets up, walking behind couch] Zoey. Zoey, you are so lucky, that you found out about this now, because you know what would have happened if you had gotten involved with this man. He would just break your Heart, Over and Over. There would be arguments an' bitterness an' Endless Volleys of Senseless Violence Back and Forth.
And it's not all fun, Zoey. You need Permits, Paramilitary training, bribe money. And a lot of it is night work.

CYBILL
[pause, has been incredulous] Maryann, that's your Recruitment Speech!

MARYANN
The point is, Zoey, if this man could do this With Your Mother, he won't stop there. He will do it with Any woman, Any Tired Piece of Business that just, Stumbles off of a -- a -- of a Gondola!

ZOEY
I guess I should have trusted my instincts, an' kept him as a beautiful memory..

MARYANN
Yes -- But he's not a memory, he is Here. An' it is our job to make his life a living Hell! While he is still on U.S. Soil!

ZOEY
[pause] Mmmmm, I don't think so, but, thanks. That's sweet..

CYBILL
[pause] Honey. We're gonna do it anyway.

ZOEY
[calmly agrees] Okay. [stands]
[warning] No Opera in the get away car.

CYBILL
[reluctant] Okay..

[MARYANN and CYBILL grab their purses and they all are heading out.]

MARYANN
[efficient and determined] Good. So we're gonna give him a once over with a Power Sander, pack him in salt, an' ship him off to Sea World, in a box marked, "Bait."

Last Updated: 28 July 2001