Directed by: Lorraine Sevre-Richmond

Synopsis: Ellen, Audrey, and Paige look for cosmic signs and easy fixes in relationships as they go to Womyn Fest for a relaxing time.

There is a cast list in epguides.com's Ellen Episode Guide. (At the top is the regular characters, on the episode is the rest of the cast on that episode.

Notes:
I missed the very end (up to a minute in length).
When I printed this, it took 18 pages.
Womyn is pronounced like women.

Made via Closed Captioning, microcassette, and VCR tape. (Closed captioning sponsored by Walt Disney Television and ABC, Inc. Captioning by the National Captioning Institute, Inc.)

SPENCE
[loading bags] Uh! I still don't get why I can't go with you this weekend.

PAIGE
Again with this? Babe, it's called Womyn Fest?

SPENCE
Right.

PAIGE
There'll be -- uh -- thousands of women listening to folk music, exploring their feelings, Sharing their Hopes and Dreams.. [sigh] Why the Hell am I going..

SPENCE
[still loading bags] Exactly.. You hate concerts..

PAIGE
Spence, get over it, okay? I'm going to Berkeley, for the weekend without you.

SPENCE
Fine. You know what, then?

PAIGE
What.

SPENCE
I'm going, to the forbidden place.

PAIGE
Yyyyou wouldn't dare.

SPENCE
[daring, tense] Oh, oh wouldn't I? Yes, I think I -- I -- I'm going to Penny's, and I'm going to buy: Dockers.

PAIGE
You don't have the guts!

SPENCE
Oh, don't I? I'm not even going to the Mall. I'm going to the factory outlet. Yeah. That's right. I'm buying: irregulars, Baby! [defiantly twists his pants and is leaving, peeved]

PAIGE
[tense, calling after him] Okay. Fi -- All right. Fine. Then I am going to Womyn Fest, and I am going to have an affair with a lesbian!

ELLEN
[arriving with her one big duffel bag] Ah, I'm not sure that was loud enough, Paige. My neighbors usually have their TV on.

[ELLEN gets up in the camper, shifting a bag away from the door.]

PAIGE
[quiet] Spence and I are always fighting.. I'm sorry, I, I shouldn't be, bringing up my relationship problems when, you're still trying to get over Laurie..

ELLEN
[stands back down on the ground] Oh, that's okay. I'm, happy to hear somebody else isn't happy. It reminds me to Cheer the hell up.

PAIGE
You know, I, I know that I wasn't the most, accepting person of your new.. orientation.. But, um.. I liked Laurie..

ELLEN
Yep.. She was great. [pushes some bags further into the camper]

PAIGE
You, you, you two were good together. I don't, I don't know why you couldn't just, make it work.

ELLEN
It's ju -- I don't know -- this is all so new to me, an' she was pushing too hard for a commitment. [gets a box of food off the ground]

PAIGE
Well, what's the big deal about making a commitment? If it doesn't work out, you just Bail. [takes the box from her and goes in the camper]

[AUDREY arrives, excited and optimistic. Today's look is a pink backpack purse, pony tails, pink sweater, pink pants, and cloggy shoes. She carries a pillow, a pink flowered sleeping bag, and a pink suitcase with flower power stickers on it.]

AUDREY
Hi, Elleeeen!
Oh, hi, Paige! Ellen, I am so excited about this concert! Three Days of girl bonding, female unity, and ovarian rhapsody! [hands her sleeping bag up to PAIGE]
And it is sure to help you get over Laurie. [passes her pillow up to PAIGE]

ELLEN
Yeah, this and that big, "Don't think about Laurie," sign you made for the living room..

AUDREY
[remembering something] Oh, how much do I owe you for the ticket?

ELLEN
Uh, I got 'em for free, so just the three dollar handling charge.

PAIGE
[taking AUDREY's suitcase] She won 'em for being the thousandth customer at a feminist bookstore.

ELLEN
Yeah. I felt a little guilty takin' it 'cause I just went in to get change for the parking meter, so I could go see the movie, "Boogie Nights." [passes a six pack of root beer up to PAIGE]

AUDREY
Well, if that is not cosmic, divine providence, then I don't know what iiiis.

ELLEN
Well, that makes two of us. I don't know what that is, either.

AUDREY
[grabbing ELLEN's arm] No! Winning those tickets was a sign, Silly! Your destiny guided you into that bookstore, so you'd win those tickets, go to Berkeley, and meet your new soul mate..

ELLEN
Mmm, I'm not going for romance, Audrey. I just want to have fun, and, besides, I'm running low on incense and granny skirts.

AUDREY
[grabs ELLEN's arm again] Ellen, this is so exciting.
We're like Thelma and Louise.. an' Paige.

ELLEN
Yep. We're, rebels on the Open Road! Ha! Oh, I forgot to pack my water pik. I'll be right back. [heads back to the house]

AUDREY
[jumping in, enthused!] We're halfway to Berkeley! Hooray!

[AUDREY claims a table as ELLEN and PAIGE walk in after her, tired.]

ELLEN
[going to table] We're only halfway? I feel like I've been in that camper with you for ten long years.. [sits]

AUDREY
You're just grumpy 'cause you couldn't guess what "I Spied."

PAIGE
[looking over menu, mock-smiling, resentful] Great.
Everything here's fried.
[wry] Oh, no, wait -- huh -- huh! Look: there's something that's deep-fried.
Worst place on earth. [puts menu aside ]

ELLEN
[dryly reading menu] They've even deep-fried the Sushi.. an innovation long overdue, in my opinion..

[A youngish, friendly WAITRESS in an orange uniform has arrived.]

WAITRESS
So what can I get you?

PAIGE
Oh, water with a wedge of lemon, please -- oh, and could you tell your, cook to fight his urge to, roll it in bread crumbs and boil it in oil? Thank you so much.

AUDREY
A patty melt an' a strawberry shake.

WAITRESS
Okay.
[to ELLEN] And what about you?

ELLEN
[preoccupied, still looking at menu] I don't know.. I wish they wouldn't ha' drawn those sheep faces on the lamb chops..

WAITRESS
[wryly smiling] I'm sorry. I did that. I'm vegetarian. I'm trying to make whoever orders it feel guilty?

ELLEN
So I guess calling the steak sandwich, "The Murderer's Hoagie," works well, huh?

WAITRESS
Mm-hmm.

ELLEN
I'm a vegetarian, also. What do you recommend?

WAITRESS
Well, you can get the burger on a seven grain bun without the burger.

ELLEN
No. I'm not in the mood for a burger.. Um.. How are the pork chops with the apple sauce and rice -- hold the pork chops?

WAITRESS
I prefer any of the chicken dishes minus the chicken.

ELLEN
I'll tell you what. Let me have the sausage an' peppers -- hold the sausage, the franks an' beans -- hold the franks, and put it in the bowl that the beef stew usually comes in an' an empty bottle of steak sauce.

WAITRESS
Perfect! One Blue Plate Special.
[lingering] And, uh, just, let me know if I can do anything else for you.. [leaves]

[PAIGE and AUDREY exchange looks, then look at ELLEN.]

ELLEN
[tired] She seems sweet..
What?

AUDREY
[interested for ELLEN] Ellen, she was so flirting with you..

PAIGE
[amused, tired] She was pretty obvious. Huh! -- I don't usually flirt like that 'til the bartender yells "Last call."

AUDREY
Ellen, maybe that waitress was the reason that you were meant to take this trip!

ELLEN
Oh, so now it's not the gas station attendant in Oxnard?

AUDREY
You have to remain open to the signs, Ellen. The Universe is speaking to you.
Uh-oh. Someone had one too many Yoo-Hoos in the car. I gotta go to the little girls' room. [leaves]

PAIGE
[clearing her throat, takes A's chair to quietly talk] Ellen, listen. Um. I didn't wanna, talk about this in front of Audrey because.. well, then we'd have to talk about it with Audrey, but um.. what would you say, if I told you that: Spence and I are getting married.

ELLEN
[pause, proud, holds her hand] See? Now who says no one buys the floor model? Look at that! Congratulations! That is wonderful! I, I'm happy for you. [happily unaware of her rudeness]

PAIGE
[wryly looks upward, nods, smiley but oddly understated] Thanks. Thanks. Yeah. I'm pretty, pretty excited about it. Huh!

ELLEN
Yeah!

PAIGE
Yeah..

ELLEN
[pause, wondering look in her eye as they awkwardly smile at each other]
Spence doe'n't know anything about this, does he?

PAIGE
No, but -- he -- listen, our relationship is going nowhere, okay? We're fighting all the time, an' we're both getting restless, and I think it is the Perfect time to Tie the Knot.

[PAIGE grew testy at the end, is defensive and determined.]

ELLEN
Maybe you can work that speech into your vows..
It, it sounds insane! I mean, is this what Spence wants?

PAIGE
[calming a little] Well -- uh -- it will be, when I get through with him. Listen, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start with some subtle hints? I'm, gonna rent some, romantic movies, like "Four Weddings and a Funeral" --

ELLEN
What if he ends up wanting a funeral?

PAIGE
If he doesn't propose to me, then I'm gonna move on to threats and ultimatums.

ELLEN
Paige, you can't force someone to make a commitment when they're not ready for it. I mean, if it's not working out, cut your losses and end it.

PAIGE
[quietly challenging] Really? Is that what you would do?

ELLEN
Yeah.

PAIGE
[snaps back] Well, who wants to be like you? You're miserable.
[strongly] I'm not a quitter. In my experience, Love is work.

ELLEN
[snaps back] Oh, maybe you only feel that way because o' some of the positions you've held.

PAIGE
[stung, pause, testy] You know what? Forget it, okay? This is my life, and my plan, and, who the hell are you to judge me?

ELLEN
[testy] Oh, who am I? Who am I?
Shut up! That's who I am!

SINGERS (AMY RAY and EMILY SALIERS)
"I said, you know, it's funny, I think we were on the same boat back in 1694. "And I saaaaid,
'Ooh la la la la la la-la shame on you and I'll be dancin'.. la la la la-la and I said, 'Shame on you.' and I said, 'ooh la la oh, we'll be dancin'-- la la la la-la, shame on you, and I'll be dancin' and we'll be singin', la la-la,' I said, 'Shame on you.' I said, 'Shame on you.'" Okay, now.

[The CROWD enthusiastically cheers! AUDREY and ELLEN are rushing onto the scene, followed by PAIGE. They stand by a sign ("Bay Area Artists Co-op"), surveying the festival.]

HOST
Ladies..

SINGERS
[to CROWD] Thanks. Thank you.

AUDREY
[looking through pink binoculars] Oh, shoot! We just missed the Indigo Girls!

ELLEN
[imitating her] Oh! Dah!

PAIGE
[looking around her] So this is Womyn Fest, huh? God, I have never, felt more beautiful. I'm gonna go look around, if that's okay with you, Ellen.

ELLEN
Yeah. Sure.
Hey, maybe you'll see a kid that you don't like that you and Spence can adopt.

[ELLEN and PAIGE exchange peeved looks as PAIGE strolls in the opposite direction. AUDREY and ELLEN start strolling around together.]

AUDREY
Can you feel it, Ellen? The gentle energy of the womanly side of creation?

ELLEN
[looking, happily agreeing] Oh, God, it's just great. Everybody doin' their own thing out in public. Nobody's afraid of being stared at or Judged -- oh, my god, look at those freaks.

AUDREY
Listen, Fate brought you here, an' I am certain that one of these women is your Destiny..

ELLEN
I don't know about Destiny, but I think that woman over there is my seventh grade volleyball coach..

AUDREY
Look! Tarot cards!
Let's go have her read your future.

[They walk over to a heavy, bald, exotically dressed TAROT CARD READER. She's seated at a table which has a crystal ball to the side. There's a faint tattoo on her head. ELLEN sits across from her.]

AUDREY
[happy] Hello! Huh! Um.. This is my friend, Ellen, and she is A Lost Pilgrim Searching for Love..

ELLEN
[friendly and wry as TCR lays out cards] I hope this is a special deck, 'cause once I got my fortune told by a regular deck and I ended up inheriting 52 bicycles.

TAROT CARD READER
[French accent] Concentrate on your question.

ELLEN
[imitating] Concentrate? Concentrate. Okay.

[The TAROT CARD READER is humorless.]

ELLEN
[looking at cards] Eight o' cups, eight o' pentacles. Well, I'll be splitting a pair.

TAROT CARD READER
You have already met the person you are meant to be weeth.

AUDREY
Oh! I'm getting all goose bumpy.

TAROT CARD READER
That person has, um, dark hair.

ELLEN
Oh. Well, that narrows it down. How many people live in China again?

AUDREY
[encouraging] Wait a minute, Ellen. Laurie has dark hair. Maybe she's your Destiny after all.

TAROT CARD READER
I see something else here. This woman.. waits..

AUDREY
[excited whisper] Oh! Did you hear that? She's waiting for you!

TAROT CARD READER
[grabs ELLEN's hand] I'm getting an image. A Man.

ELLEN
Oh! Destiny just took an odd turn.

TAROT CARD READER
He's dancing!
It's.. Oh!
It's Gene Kelly!

ELLEN
Gene -- [french accent] Gene Kelly?

TAROT CARD READER
[shrug] I'm seeing Gene Kelly.

AUDREY
What is it, Ellen?

ELLEN
[struck, interested] Laurie and I, a few days before we broke up, we saw "Singing in the Rain" on TV!

AUDREY
[struck] Oh, my god!

ELLEN
Yeah. An' -- and then we were dancing. It wasn't in the rain, but her sshhhower is roomy.

TAROT CARD READER
C'est tout. That's it. Five dollar, please.

ELLEN
[gets up] Oh, okay. Ummm.. [getting it] There you go. Thank you very much.

TAROT CARD READER
Au revoir.

[ELLEN and AUDREY walk away talking.]

AUDREY
[struck] Ellen, this is so exciting! Fate is leading you back to Laurie!

ELLEN
Oh! I don't usually believe in this stuff, but -- um, when she said, "Singing in, in the, the Rain," I mean, I just.. just -- that was neat, you know? I was halfway expecting to hear "Ben and Jerry," 'cause they were there with us, too.

AUDREY
Oh! I just had a delicious idea.

ELLEN
Uh-huh.

AUDREY
Okay. What if Laurie is here somewhere, and it is your Destiny to meet again and rekindle the embers of your still smoldering love?

ELLEN
Aw, that would be crazy. Do you think -- what if she was, though? Wouldn't that be neat?

[ELLEN and AUDREY are walking, scanning all around themselves at the crowd. A WOMAN is getting a lawn chair set up, she's facing away from ELLEN and AUDREY, who are looking in the opposite direction.]

ELLEN
[quiet] Oh, god.
Oh, if she's here, how would -- oh, I'm sorry.

[She's apologizing because she and the WOMAN bumped into each other.]

WOMAN
Hi.

ELLEN
[recognizes] Hi! You're the.. waitress from the diner..

AUDREY
[quiet] She has dark hair, Ellen, an'.. she waits..

WOMAN (WAITRESS)
[happy] Yeah. Hiii. I had this weird feeling I was gonna run into you again.

ELLEN
Really?

WOMAN (WAITRESS)
Yeah.. Oh, hi, I'm Jean. Jean Kelly.

AUDREY
Ohh! [falls to the ground in shock as ELLEN and JEAN shake hands]

SARAH MCLACHLAN
[singing] "Oh yeah, you're workin',
buildin' a mysteryyy,
and choosin' so,
carefully.
Oh, yeah, you're workin',
building a mysteryyyy.
Holdin' on.
Holdin' in.
Oh, yeah, you're workin'
building a mysteryyyy,
and choosin' so,
carefullyyyy.
You're building
a mysteryyyy.."

EMCEE
All right, let's give it up again for Sarah McLachlan!

[The AUDIENCE cheers long.]

SARAH
[quiet, to the applause] Thank you.

[JEAN and ELLEN stroll, talking.]

JEAN
I have decided it was a Good Idea, coming to this concert.

ELLEN
Yeah. Boy, this blows "Barney on Ice" away.

[Both sit down on a wall bench.]

JEAN
[amused] I am so glad I ran into you. I just ended it with someone, an' I was feeling kinda down..

ELLEN
Me, too, me, too. I just, uh.. ended it, also. I just -- an' I can't seem to, shake it. Huh.

JEAN
[understanding] Oh.

ELLEN
Nothin' like comin' to Womyn Fest to take your mind off the ladies. Ha ha!

JEAN
Uh! Yeah, well. For me, now, it's just mostly a relief. Cheryl and I, we fought. We never saw eye-to-eye on, anything. Was that how it was for you guys?

ELLEN
No, no. Uh, we didn't fight. No.

JEAN
Well, then, why'd you break up..

ELLEN
[too personal] Aw, wow. Whoo. Huh-uh! A lot of reasons, really.. Just if you think about it, um.. Uh.. lots.. Yeah -- mainly -- she just was pushing for a commitment, an'.. [nods]

JEAN
Ohhh, and you didn't think that she was the one.. [nodding]

ELLEN
Well, well, I'd like to think that there's more than one -- Ha! I mean, I'd like to think that there are hundreds of women, out there, for me.
Who are exactly like her -- Ha!
[quickly explaining] We -- we were just -- we were in two different places.

JEAN
[pause] I never know what that means..

ELLEN
[pause] Well, uh, uh.. I was -- I was, at -- at one place, and then she was at another, and, uh, it was just, complicated -- I don't know.

JEAN
[about a frisbee that lands nearby] Oh, hey. Watch this. I didn't go to U.C. Santa Barbara for nothin'! Huh!

ELLEN
Oh -- Heads up!

[JEAN throws it and reacts: it hit someone out of our view.]

JEAN
[quietly calling] Oh! I'm sorry.

[A baby is crying in the distance. The two watch, concerned.]

ELLEN
[reassuring] It -- it's okay. I think babies are pretty resilient..

[AUDREY arrives. She's wearing a pink themed poncho and her hair is in a lot of thin braids. She has a pink cloth bag.]

AUDREY
Hey, guys! I got sweaters an' water an' snacks from the car. Don't thank me. Just the sight of you two together gives me a warm fuzzy in my tummy.

ELLEN
You'll have to excuse Audrey. She's been a little loopy ever since she tried on those Hemp sweat pants.

JEAN
[a little concerned about the baby, still crying] Huh! You know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go, check on the Kid. Oh, I'll meet you right back here. [leaves]

ELLEN
Okay.

[ELLEN and AUDREY sit, looking on.]

AUDREY
[whisper] Uh! Ellen, you two are so sweet together! I have not seen anything this meant-to-be, since that guy with the chocolate bar bumped into the girl with the peanut butter.

ELLEN
[absently gets up] Please stop pushing this thing. Audrey, nothing is gonna happen with Jean. [sits on a big planter/seat]

AUDREY
[following her] Why not? She's Fun and Pretty and Gay. She's everything you need.

ELLEN
Well, yeah, it's true, she is the Swiss Army knife of lesbians. Look, there's no denying that Jean is great. She's terrific, and if I had a friend to set her up with, I would. Because the whole time I'm with her, I, keep thinkin' of somebody else.

AUDREY
Ellen. Don't fight it. All the signs are pointing you toward Jean. Let Lady Destiny guide you.

ELLEN
[pulling a sweater out of A's bag] Lady Destiny can get her own chicks. I can get mine.
[putting sweater on] I know my own mind. I'm not gonna let some silly coincidence let me -- [is distracted by recognizing her sweater]
[holding sleeve] Where'd you get this?

AUDREY
[disappointed] What?

ELLEN
[finishing putting on sweater] This. This sweater. Where'd you get it?

AUDREY
I found it in your duffel bag. An' I must say, it's nice to finally see you dabbling in the world of Designer Fashion.

ELLEN
This is Laurie's sweater.

AUDREY
Oh, that explains it.

ELLEN
[realizing] I must have gotten some of her things mixed up with mine, don't you see: this is a sign, that I wanted Laurie to be with me this weekend, so I packed a piece of her with me.

AUDREY
[dismissive] Oh, puh-leez! It's just a silly sweater.

ELLEN
[appreciatively sniffing the sleeve] It even smells like her.. Actually, the night she wore it, we went to the movies and then walked along the Santa Monica pier, so it sort of smells like Laurie eating [sniffs] onion rings.

AUDREY
[uneasy, reasoning, stands] Ellen.. That's a little out there. Ha.. I think you're reading way too much into this. [turns away, incredulous]

ELLEN
[stands] No -- it couldn't be more Crystal Clear if I had packed Laurie in my suitca -- oh, my god, was this sweater empty when you found it?
Look, I, uh, say -- say good bye to Jean for me, okay? I'm gonna go find Paige. [leaving]

AUDREY
[calling] Ellen, this is not a sign!

ELLEN
[stops, looking back] Well, I say it is a sign. It's a sign, and you know why? You know why?
Shhhut up. That's why. [leaves]

ELLEN
I'm glad I found you.

PAIGE
Hi.

ELLEN
[relieved] Hi. Oh, I tried to make an announcement, but just try paging someone named Paige without it turning into an Abbott and Costello routine.
"Who would you like to to page?" "Paige."
[faster] "No. Who are you gonna page?" "I'm paging Paige." "Paging Paige? You can't page Paige." "I'm paging Paige." --

PAIGE
Got it.

ELLEN
[pause] Are you okay?

PAIGE
[distracted] Yeah.

ELLEN
[pause, regretful] Hey, I'm sorry we argued earlier..

PAIGE
[regretful, strolling to table] It's okay.. An' you were right.
[sits] Who am I kidding about marrying Spence?
[(ELLEN sits with her)]
I mean -- I mean, you and Laurie, had more, going for you in a month, than Spence and I did after two years..
[amused, apologetic] I'm sorry, I keep mentioning Laurie..

ELLEN
That's okay.
Hey, how do you feel about driving back to L.A. tonight?

PAIGE
What? Right now?

ELLEN
Yeah. Come on. I'll round up the horses, you pee on the campfire.
I decided I want to try an' work things out with Laurie.

PAIGE
What -- whu -- wait a minute. What about her pushing you too hard, tryin' to force a commitment.

ELLEN
She changed. I mean, she used to be wrong, and now she's right.
I -- I -- I decided that I want her in my life, and I don't want to throw this away just 'cause I was a little afraid. And -- maybe you can go back an' work things out with Spence.

PAIGE
[resigned, amused] No. I don't think that Spence and I have a "work things out" kind of a relationship. I mean, if you really look at it, it's mostly been about sex..

ELLEN
Well. I haven't actually looked at it.. But, I mean -- I -- on occasions, I've seen it rattle pictures off the wall.

PAIGE
It's -- it's time for us to admit that it's really not going anywhere?

ELLEN
[sympathetically sad] Well, I think you're a great girl, and you deserve, to be happy.

PAIGE
Thanks.

LAURIE
[surprised, had been sleeping] Ellen.

ELLEN
Hi.

LAURIE
Hi.

ELLEN
I was in the neighborhood? I wa -- I was in Berkeley, and, uh.. Hi.

LAURIE
Hi.

ELLEN
Did I wake you?

LAURIE
Oh, no. Uh.. No, I wa' just, messin' up my hair, droolin' on my pillow, about to, take a test in my underwear.. Are you okay?

ELLEN
I'm, um.. I'm lonely..
I miss you..
And I -- I'm double-parked.

LAURIE
[musing] Well.. I'm the same.. Well -- except for the double-parked. I, I got my own spot.

ELLEN
I know. That's one of the things I, dig about you..

[LAURIE's amused, appreciative.]

ELLEN
Look, a few weeks back, we hit a rough spot, an' -- an' I think it was my fault.

LAURIE
[apologetic] Oh, no, no, no. I think I pushed to hard, and I, should not have expected you to--

ELLEN
[earnest] Uh -- no! Expect. I want you to expect. I -- I -- I -- it.. we just gave up too easy. I don't want to throw this away. I want to work on this no matter what it takes, no matter how many miserable man hours.

LAURIE
Well, it sounds like fun.. You wanna come in?

ELLEN
[appreciative] More than anything.. [comes in]

LAURIE
You're double-parked.

ELLEN
Nah, I don't mind a parking ticket, it goes with the speeding ticket I got on the way here. [comes in]
Hi.

LAURIE
Hi.

[The door shuts on us.]

ELLEN
You okay?

SPENCE
What, you mean with the breakup?

ELLEN
Yeah.

SPENCE
Yeah. I'm hangin' in there. I mean, you know, Paige and I had a lot of fun together, and I'll always love her, but I guess she wasn't the person I saw myself marrying.

ELLEN
{Well, unfortunately, god}

Last Update: 15 July 2000