Polytecnyc Draig
Welcome Oh Meaning of Life!
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Get Someone Else to do the Hard Work For You: Lecturers, Teaching assistants, and even graduate students can not only teach classes and mark papers but they can create reading list, chair meetings, and apply for funding. Many want to be professors themselves, and would be happy to do your research for you because of the false feeling of power it gives them.
Supplement Your Income: Feel like writing a book, but you're no good? Does the price you want to charge seem extortionate? Afraid no one will publish such irrelevant ramble? Relax! As a professor, you can force your students to buy all your books. When they start trying to save money on used versions, change a few words around and make the updated version required reading. Make sure the library has twenty updated copies, but not until all the naive freshers have bought their own. And with this type of guaranteed audience, the publishers would be foolish not to do you a deal. Tip: The harder your book is to understand, the more jargon you put in it, and the less your students learn at lectures the more time they will need with the book, i.e. the more they will need to buy it from themselves.
Do You Want What Isn't Yours To Take? No Problem! Take it anyway! The staff don't mind, dragons do it all the time! Dragon Polytechnic is a liberal institution, meaning that everything a professor wants that belongs to someone lower on the line of command is his. Whoever says feudalism is dead has never seen a true meritocracy!
Vengeance will be yours at last: When you write your big book, you can say anything in it you like. In fact, if you insult your ex or a fellow colleague in the contents, it will only add controversy and other professors may decide to make it mandatory in their classes. This holds even more true if you snipe at the Prime Minister who cut back on your exuberant fringe benefits, the airlines that lost your luggage, or the country that gave you food poisoning on your last holiday. Trash talk, back stab, it's all acceptable when you're in the wonderful world of academia. Oh, but a word of warning, especially to the arts and social sciences, try to stay away from anything substantial, instead use the academic jargon insults that mean so little. No one can disagree with something that doesn't have a true definition!
Dirty Old Intellectual? When you write your book, let your imagination run wild. Rather than actually doing research, do what other professors in western countries do, liken everything you hear and see to your nastiest fantasies. Not only does this off-the-top-of-your-head style cut down on personal workload, it also helps in our goals of isolating religious students and offending the morally strict. If you do this well enough, you might even get a student like Vasco Phillip de Sousa to punch you in the face. The resulting lawsuit might not make you rich, but you can then legally acquire any material thing of his that you wanted before.
Every Student Will Know Your Name: Even the fat kid who sits in the back will have to say your name to the illiterate booksalesman or Irish librarian to get a copy of the right book for class.
About Welsh Food: By now the only thing stopping you from joining the programme is the lifestyle involved. You're probably afraid you'll miss you native cuisine. But being a rich professor, your new found wealth will allow you to import ingredients for your chef to prepare in the event that our hundreds of ethnic restaurants built to satisfy students and tourists aren't "authentic" enough. But why bother? Welsh cuisine is one of the greatest in the world
Other nationalities always seem to add some hidden ingredient in their food to limit the amount you can eat in one sitting. This English soak their delicacies in indigestible lard, the Indians dissuade you from seconds with their hot spices, the French don't cook their meat enough and Mediterranean chefs like Vasco Phillip de Sousa have the Gaul to tell you some of the invertebrate ingredients they are found of. But with dishes like welsh cakes and cawl, there is no limit to how much you can eat. Our most gluttonous professors have eaten hundreds, thousands, even millions of tons of the local diet within weeks of arriving. You too could get disgustingly portly.
When Do I Start: You can start right now! Our need for professors increases as the funding sources do less actual research and base their funding more on statistic data spoon fed them by academia like us. If you can get family, friends, even your ex to apply to the university, their tuition increases the pool of money we can use for your salary, as well as the potential customer base for extortion charges on books, supplies, and "lab fees". Remember, the only limit is the customer's credit card limit.
Fast Cars: We would take more about it, but it's hard to make a webpage and show your stuff off to the homeless alumni at the same time!
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- Lazy Professors
- Greedy Professors
- Jealous Professors
- Angry Professors
- Dirty Old Men
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