The Unwanted Statesman

The Only Internet Newsletter

with a new place and everything that comes with it

Dead birds, Squirrels, and Stool Softener, Oh My!

The Tiger and I moved this week into our new house. For those of you that have thought about moving into a rental house, I highly recommend doing it. Mainly, because you'll never know what will happen or what you'll find.

It was a simple day on March 31. The sky was overcast. The weathermen said there would be rain that never came. And the Tiger and I packed up the Sentra and U-haul and drove to our new place. It is a quiet little house in the kind of neighborhood Norman Rockwell would paint. Squirrels actually came right up to my car door to greet us. A child was playing with her dog down the street. And my U-haul crowded the driveway, so we started unpacking.

Yes, it was a moving day like many others until we unlocked the door to the house. It was like unlocking a crypt. The aroma of old people poured out of the house, followed by the sweet perfume of a gas leak. After an hour of being unconscious from the fumes, we started unloading stuff. We were about half way into unloading boxes when we saw a little Jack Russell terrier bouncing through one of our neighbors' yard. It seemed nice. Then an old man with a big stick came running out of the house the dog was near. He started beating the ground with the stick and the dog took off towards its home. Then the old man turned to look at us and said, "I hate that damn dog," and then he went back into his house. After that, I got a few boxes of books and started toward my room, when I heard the tiger growl in disgust. I figured it was probably something the former tenants forgot to clean because most of the house wasn't clean. So I dropped the boxes off in my room and headed back toward the U-Haul. The tiger met me at the door. He informed me that there was something in our freezer. I asked what and he replied a dead bird. Confused, I asked again, "What?!?" and again he said a dead bird in a zip-lock bag. He then told me to look for myself. So I journeyed to the freezer. Now I was thinking it was probably some small stupid bird that flew into the window and died. Then maybe the former tenants put the bird in a zip-loc bag for the animal control. So I open the freezer and there it is. A bird the size of a crow with a beak like a woodpecker, zipped up in a plastic bag, is sitting in our ice tray getting pelted with ice from the ice maker. Now the first thing that went through my mind was, "What the Hell?" But that was only the first in a long list. The tiger also sniffed out a medicine bottle that was left behind in our bathroom medicine cabinet. The label read "Stool Softener." What made that even worse was that the toilet was broken. So I checked the other medicine cabinets. There was a nose hair trimmer, the largest toenail clipping in the world, and a fly that must have died from witnessing the freaks of nature that lived in the house before us. What kind of weird crap was going down in this house night after night? I mean, really! These people were sick. Who the heck leaves a dead bird in the refrigerator? Was this some bizarre constipated dead bird cult? Were we going to find severed heads in the closets? What the heck did I get myself into?

But I recommend moving into a rental house. Really, I do. It makes great stories. And now my disclaimer . . .

The Giant Pandas at the National Zoo

The Panda House at the National Zoo opened on January 10th, 2001. If you would like more info or would like to see pictures, streaming live video, or video archives please visit the zoo's Panda Website.
Giant Pandas at Smithsonian National Zoo
If you would like to help the Giant Pandas Survive in the wild, visit . . .
Get Involved for the Pandas
If you have any additional questions about the Giant Pandas, email pandas@fonz.org

Letters!

Dear Statesman,
Recently, I have been having doubts about my sexual performance. It seems that every girl that I have over my apartment dumps me after we have sex. The last girl I dated I was afraid to do it. She ended up dumping me 2 weeks after we started dating. Now I am pursuing a relationship with another woman, but I fear the same thing will happen. Is there some way for me to improve my love life?

Well, in a word, no. You are a hopeless pathetic loser and your shots at success are about as good as Ray Charles finding me in the dark. And what's up with the "I'm afraid" routine. Hike up the skirt, Nancy! Listen. Your problem is with adequacy. What is enough? What is too much? Did you over do it? Are the hand cuffs a little over the edge? Stop worrying about it. Think of it like shopping. Most women want to shop for hours at a time. Rarely, will you find a man that can do that? With most men it is a simple in-and-out procedure and we're done. Who cares if the cashier is pissed off that you knocked the bread stand over. You got what you wanted and you are out of there. Find a woman like that and you'll be happy forever.

Dear Tiger, I went out partying with some of my friends a few weeks ago. I ended up staying on a friend's couch that night. After a long night of beers and shots, I was in no shape to drive. When I passed out on her couch, I guess I blacked out for a while. At around 5 a.m. I came to. My head was in the toilet. I walked back to the couch and noticed a trail of spewage that went into the kitchen, the fish tank, the balcony and the shower. I tried cleaning up the mess the best I could, but I felt horrible about spraying her apartment. What should I do?

Dear Lushie, puke much? First, I must congratulate you on the fish tank. That's one place I would have never thought of. Actually, what happened to you is very common. It is called alcohol poisoning. When you drink more than your body can handle, the body rejects the alcohol any way it can. Unfortunately, the brain doesn't always function in these situations. If I was your friend, I'd be pissed. Be sure to apologize and then tell her that the smell will probably go away in a few days. Then buy yourself a feedbag, the kind horses use. That way the next time you go out you won't need to worry about getting to the bathroom.

Dear Statesman,
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.

If that only worked with emails.

The Buying of Politics

This week, the Senate debate on campaign finance reform was finally over and C-SPAN can get back to that quality programming of televising the British parliament and their fist fights. You have to love those spitting politicians.

The issue of Campaign finance reform came about due to the presidential campaign of Senator John McCain R-AZ. Coincidentally, McCain lost the Republican Presidential nomination to a well-funded Texan. The bill that carries his name, as well as Senator Feingold D-WI, has been held up in committees by fellow Republicans for about 6 years. So much for party members sticking together. It has only now seen the light of day because of the popularity of Sen. McCain.

The often times heated debate in the Senate focused on whether soft money campaign funding is freedom of speech or legalized bribing of public officials. The McCain-Feingold bill intends to ban soft money from all political campaigns. Many Americans could care less about this at the moment, however, if the bill passes, numerous special interest groups like the NRA and Big Oil would have to rely on their positions in politics instead of their wallets. This bill would literally revolutionize the power of special interest groups in Washington, DC. The bill has already passed the Senate (59-41) and is now headed to the House of Representatives.

The House Republicans have promised a hefty fight against the bill. The opponents led by Tom Delay, R-TX do not have a very good chance however. Similar bills have passed the house before in 1997-1999. So After it passes the house, it must be approved by a president that raised more money in his campaign than Disney made off that piece of garbage Dinosaur.

Check out the Week in Pictures. A new page dedicated to the news you can see.

That's all Folks . . .

I just found a cow's tail in the bathtub. Is that good luck or bad luck?

Okay, now the scores: 59-41, 89-76, 93-77, and 4. That's the news and I am outta here . . .