"RAIN OF FIRE" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 21/04/2002

Rain of Fire Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue

CHAPTER THREE

When we arrived at the house that had once been my home, my heart began to pound beneath my breasts. It actually hurt, it was pounding so hard. What was I doing? Why was I here? It wasn't like I had any urge to see my father, especially now. And Mama… Mama could act her part out well; I knew that. She had before. However, I wasn't sure I'd be able to act mine. And what about my younger half siblings? Celeste certainly didn't want to have anything to do with me, and my showing up with Damian would really scratch at her nerves. As far as I was concerned, though, Celeste deserved it for treating me like some creature below her for so many years.
    I don't know how I managed to drag myself out of the car. I don't know how I managed to get up those brick porch steps with such shaky legs, without falling. But suddenly I was at the door, my fist raised to knock. Yet I was unable to knock. I wanted to turn right back around, get into that car and go home. For this was no longer my home and family. No, my family was back in southern California. Whether my grandfather liked it or not.
    I didn't get the choice to tell Damian we should leave, however. Before I could lower my fist, the door was thrust open, and there stood my fifteen-year-old sister, Celeste. She looked older than that, but that didn't surprise me. Neither did the fact that she was absolutely beautiful. Her hair shined the same golden red as Mama's. I was sure that she was an identical replica of Mama when she was her age. Her eyes were the same green violet colour, and they looked absolutely disgusted by my appearance.
    Neither of us spoke as we eyed one another. Before she said anything, for I certainly had nothing to say, Lila appeared in the doorway beside her. And Lila had become an absolute in only one year. The ten-year-old was already blooming just as quickly as Celeste, yet made more of an attempt to hide it. Her hair had darkened to the same dark red as Julianna's. Her eyes were black, just as mine were. In fact, the older Lila got, the more she looked like my real mother, Rachael. It made me smile. Lila was a redheaded replica of somebody my father didn't want to remember, and yet, no matter what, he would have to look at her day in and day out because his pretty young daughter looked just like her.
    "Wow, Phoenix! We haven't seen you in over a year! I've missed you!" she cried, and shoved Celeste out of the way to tackle me with a hug. She was already nearly as tall as I was. I was happy that at least one person in this household was excited to see me. Maybe Katie and Andrew, who were now nine and eight years old, would be just as excited to see me. Though I doubted it. The two of them were always lost in their own world.
    "It's good to see you, too, Lila," I said, stroking her hair and holding on tightly to her. I didn't want this moment to end. I wanted to stay right here like this, where I was safe. Lila loved me, always had. I knew that nobody else's "welcome" would match hers.
    Celeste had stalked off to pout somewhere, I'm sure, as Lila helped get our stuff inside. She grew excited as Damian set Julianna down on the floor in her car seat. She was wide-awake and looked around curiously. She was always a curious baby, but she was also often scared of things. Especially new surroundings.
    "Her hair is the same colour as mine!" Lila exclaimed. To my surprise Julianna, who seemed to fear new people, smiled and grabbed hold of Lila's hand. "She likes me," she whispered in awe.
    "I'm surprised, Lila. Julie often gets scared of new people. I'm glad that she likes you, though." I smiled at her. I was so nervous about being at this place, this house of memories. At least back home, there were no memories to haunt me. Nothing like here. I suddenly knew how Mama must have felt going back to my grandfather's house. There were many memories of her own there. Many things that she would rather not remember, but did.
    It was as if Mama knew I was thinking of her, for she seemed to just float into the living room from the kitchen. Nothing in her face could show that she knew this child, had been the one who had given birth to her. It was truly as if she were meeting Julie for the first time. And suddenly I was absolutely disgusted with her. How could she just stand there and pretend that she hadn't carried this beautiful baby for nine months? I didn't understand how she could simply pretend that nothing that had happened had happened.
    "Hello, Mama," I said, staring at her.
    "Hello, Phoenix. It's so good to see you after over a year. I thought you were gone for good." And with that, she began to cry, and if I were Celeste or Lila, I'd believe it was a real cry of a mother happy to see her daughter. Yet I had the distinct feeling that she wasn't exactly happy about my presence. For her eyes, when they did look up at me again, were darker, almost warning me that I should leave. That she didn't want me here. I was no longer needed, nor a part of this family.
    Lila ran over to comfort Mama, and Celeste just sat back and rolled her eyes in annoyance. It was one of the only times I could actually agree with Celeste. But Mama was irritating me to the point of making me want to scream the whole damn situation out. I was still a virgin, for God's sake! I wanted to scream, "This is Mama and Damian's baby! Not Damian's and mine! Not mine!" But I didn't. The words were stuck in my throat. Where they belonged, as far as Mama was concerned.
    Somehow I managed to get through the day. I saw Katie and Andrew, but as quickly as they were there, they were gone again. They honestly didn't care if I were there or not. For some reason, that didn't bother me any. Maybe it was because as children they didn't really particularly care if I were around or not, either. As long as the two had each other, everyone else in their family was nonexistent. But could I honestly blame them?
    Then it was time for my father to rise from sleeping. I knew in a couple of hours he would be leaving for work, but the fact that I would still have to see him had my heart racing. I swallowed hard when I heard the all-too-familiar sound of his heavy footsteps in the bedroom. I knew I was shaking. It wasn't out of fear, though. It was out of anger. How could I get through this without killing the bastard for what he had done to my mother, his own cousin?
    When he saw me, I was almost sure he was going to growl and bare his teeth, much like a ferocious beast. I looked him dead in the eye, letting him know through my eyes exactly how I felt. At least we could agree that we weren't happy to see each other. With my absence, he seemed to hate me even more than he had before. But I didn't care. I wished the bastard would just die, anyway.
    Neither of us said a word before he left for work. I had no need to say anything to him. I knew that had I said anything to him this time, the whole truth would come out. There was an anger in me that even I had never known was there. I knew now. I definitely knew now.
    Mama didn't give a damn about us being there. An hour after my father left, she was out the door herself, all decked out and looking gorgeous. Some friends of hers were picking her up. I knew Mama was back to her old ways. She would certainly never grow up. That night it would be just Celeste, Lila, Damian, Julie and me.
    Lila was content just playing with the baby. She loved to talk, and I loved listening to her pretty musical voice, especially when she sang to Julie. It brought a wide smile of appreciation to my face. Lila was going to be absolutely beautiful, in many ways.
    Celeste, on the other hand, couldn't wait to attack me. At first she stayed pretty quiet, hardly uttering a sound. She didn't really have to say anything; the fire in her eyes said it all. She hated me. She would forever hate me. Somehow that made me miserable. It was Mama's fault I didn't get along with my own sister, half or not. If only Celeste knew the truth, I thought to myself.
    I had just laid Julie down in the portable playpen that we had brought here to use as a bed, and I was sitting in the living room, when she came up behind me. Damian and everyone else had been sleeping, and I had planned on staying up to read. I had assumed that she was also sleeping, but I was wrong. I sat reading when Celeste finally said in a whisper, "You're nothing more than a whore; how are you going to explain that to your daughter?" I jumped at the sound of her voice, and then jerked around to face her. She looked evil standing there, the hallway light illuminating her. For the first time in my life, I was afraid of what Celeste might do.
    I tried not to be angry as I stared at her, at a complete loss of words. But what could I say? I did look like I was no better than the next pregnant teenage girl. How could possibly defend myself? I swallowed and looked at her. "I'm not a whore, Celeste. Maybe someday I can explain it to you, or maybe Mama. But I am definitely not a whore."
    To my surprise she sat on the couch and began to cry. She buried her face in her hands. I stood watching her, unable to believe my eyes. This was the least of what I expected. Celeste never broke down and cried like this during an argument with me. Finally, she rubbed at her swollen, wet eyes. She was still sobbing softly, but her sobs had eased, but she still didn't look at me. She stared ahead. "You have everything, Phoenix. At least, the one thing that I wanted. I admit, I don't want a kid, but I want that baby's father more than words can say."
    "Don't tell me you're still obsessed with him, Celeste!" I cried. "After over a year?" She still wanted him. I didn't know if it was because she loved him or if it was because I supposedly had him. Celeste had always wanted everything that I had.
    She turned to look at me, glaring daggers once again. "Why wouldn't I want him? I may be considered nothing but a whore, but I would marry him, Phoenix. I could make him happy; you could never! I know you two can't be happy together!" She was somewhat right, and then again, she was so very wrong. Damian was happy, he just wasn't happy because I refused to become more than his friend and the woman who took care of his child.
    "Damian and I are happy with what we have, Celeste. Don't think that we are not." At least that wasn't a lie. I knew Damian wanted more, but he was content with the way things were going right now. He wasn't truly unhappy, and neither was I. Not really. Or maybe I was unhappier than I liked to admit. But it was none of Celeste's business. This was supposed to be a visit to see my family, not fight with someone who had terrible jealousy issues.
    I left the room, not letting her say another word. Mama had let Celeste sleep in her bedroom while our father worked at night, and we got her room, my old room. I made my way up the stairs and into what had once been my room. I lay down beside Damian. It felt awkward. I had never slept with a man before. Somehow, though, I managed to fall asleep.
    When I woke up, Damian was already awake. I was happy about that. I would feel uncomfortable enough later on in the day when seeing him, having slept in the same bed with him, but if I had woke up with him, it would have felt too intimate. And though the other women in my family may want to be intimate with Damian, I certainly didn't want to be quite that intimate. He just wasn't the right one for me to be like that with. I had no secret, young woman fantasies about Damian. We would never be anything more than what we were now. That was hard enough to explain.
    When I walked downstairs, I walked dead on into a storm. Mama and my father were arguing. If you could call it that. He was screaming at her at the top of his lungs about the house again. Which was absolutely no surprise to me.
    "God damn it, Karen, why can't you ever just clean the damn house up? Is it too much to ask?" His eyes were blazing. Evidently, he had jut woke up himself. I knew it was early for him, being only eleven in the morning. His hair was a wreck, sticking up in all directions, his eyes were bloodshot and his face still had the pale colour of sleep.
    Mama was sitting down on the couch, one leg crossed over the other, her foot tapping wildly as it often did when she was irritated. "You don't give me any credit, Michael! I do a lot in this house but nobody ever helps me! I can't do it all on my own!" It had been a year since I had heard those words uttered, and yet they still grated on my nerves. I knew damn well that she was helped. She was the one who gave nobody else credit. Not to side with that incredulous piece of work that was my father, but it was too true.
    He gave her a sarcastic look around the house and let out a few sounds of disbelief. "I work hard to feed your fucking face! The only thing I expect is this house be clean when I get home!"
    Mama began to cry and moan and groan some more. I stood just inside the doorway, off to the side. For some reason I wanted to listen to this. I wanted to know what was going on. Of course, I was always nosy like this; however, usually I would butt in. I feared what I might say if I did it this time.
    "Oh! Give me a break, Karen! I don't care. The only company we have is that whore of a daughter of yours sleeping upstairs. Her sleeping habits still haven't changed," he grumbled, running his hand through his hair. I had to literally bite down on my tongue to stop myself from blowing up.
    "My daughter?!" Mama laughed at him and shook her head. "No, Michael. You have it all wrong. She isn't my daughter; she's yours. Yours and Rachael's. I think you need to come to terms with the fact of who she is. Maybe then you won't be such an ass to her. After all," she threw back at him, as she rose from the couch and walked into the hallway towards her bedroom, "you did make her."
    He followed her into the bedroom where the arguing continued, but I no longer listened. What I'd heard had already chilled me to my very core. How long had she been throwing that up in his face when I hadn't been around? I thought silently to myself. How long had she been torturing him about who I was? Maybe that was the real reason he hated me so much. She reminded him, and I reminded him, of his mistake.
    For the most part, the house was quiet. Celeste had gone out with friends for the day, or however long, according to Mama who said Celeste was never home anymore. That bothered me. Where was the discipline? Why did Celeste get to go out and do whatever she wanted? Didn't they care if she got hurt or not? I decided not to bother asking. It was no longer part of my business. I would leave soon, sooner than I had planned, I decided. There was no way I could stay out of it for a whole week.
    Damian had gone off to visit his family, people I had no interest in seeing. He had taken Julie and Lila with him. So all day, it was just Mama and myself. And it felt so incredibly strange to be around her now. I didn't want to be. I felt suffocated by her presence. I felt angry with her. She had made me a mother at sixteen years old. She had, in some ways, ruined my life. I hated her for it, and I had a hard time not telling her just that. So I did my best to avoid her.
    When Damian got back to the house, he came upstairs and set the car seat down. He smiled at me and I suddenly felt safe. As long as he was around, my family couldn't hurt me. He would protect me from it all. I realised then that I just needed a friendly, familiar face. And these people, these people that I had grown up around, were no longer familiar to me. I needed Damian to be there.
    He sat down beside me on the bed and put his arm around me. "You don't look so good, Phoenix. Are you okay?"
    I shook my head. "No, I'm not okay. I don't want to be here. Coming here was a mistake and when we leave, I'm never coming back. The only person that wants me here is Lila, anyway."
    He patted my hand gently, and I looked at him. I wanted to cry, but I kept my tears for Mitch only, most of the time. He was the only one who seemed to know how to get rid of them. So I swallowed them back and finally smiled. "There you go. Maybe you're right, though. It really was a mistake coming here. Nobody wants us here anymore. Let's go home tomorrow okay?"
    I shook my head again. "No, I have to stay longer than that. At least for Lila."
    "Then let's get out of here tonight, Phoenix. Let's go do something, have fun. I won't let you sit around here feeling miserable. I hate to see those black eyes of yours look so miserable!"
    Though I told him yes, we would go do something, I felt butterflies in the pit of my stomach. What was this? A date? I didn't know what was going on. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe he really did just want to get me out of the house. Whatever it was, I was nervous about it, but happy to leave the house. As soon as we were back in the car and on our way to a small amusement park called Camelot in Salida, California, I felt as if a dark cloud had been lifted. But somehow I felt that it hadn't been lifted all the way. I hated that feeling of dread. I just never knew how to get rid of it.
    Damian and I got to the park and put Julie into her stroller. He got us all day passes, even though we didn't really need them. But we would stay until it closed, he had decided. Besides, it was cheaper then buying for all of the stuff that we wanted to do.
Lila was with us, so she kept an eye on Julie when Damian and I did stuff together. We gave her some money so she could buy some tokens for the arcade. With that she was off, pushing the stroller in front of her excitedly.
    When Damian and I were alone, we both felt strange. I could feel it. When Julie was around, we had an excuse to be around one another. Without her there, we had no excuse to be with each other. Not really. And this felt incredibly like a date. Not that I knew what a date even felt like. I had only been kissed once and that was by Damian himself. Which wasn't something that either of us ever brought up, but it was something that I thought about when I was around him now.
    "So," he said, breaking the odd silence. He was rocking back and forth on his heels and swinging his arms and clapping his hands together. "What do you want to do first?" he asked. I looked around the park. I saw the go-carts and smiled. Definitely.
    The line was long, but it went by quickly. When I got into the car, I grew excited. The strange feelings between Damian and I disappeared after that. We were suddenly just being ourselves and having fun.
    One of the last things we did was the bumper boats. I laughed as I sprayed him with the squirter that was on the small, one person, round boat. We kept getting each other and other people, and for once in my life, I felt normal. I was having fun and being free of all the worried that held me normally. It felt so good to break out of my own torturous cage.
    Damian got out first and then waited for me to finally pull my boat over. We were both soaking wet from head to toe. It felt good, though, since it was a pretty warm night. I stood up to get out of the boat and though Damian was helping me out, the boat slipped out from beneath me and I fell. Fell right into Damian, that is. He caught me and held onto me so tightly. More tightly than necessary, I thought. But no matter, it felt good to be held like this.
    Though the teenager working there was looking at us funny, I couldn't pull my eyes away from his nor could he pull his from mine. Finally, he balanced me to stand up straight. But he didn't exactly let me go. He held onto my hand. He seemed nervous at first, but more comfortable and confident when I didn't pull away from him. He squeezed my hand and looked down at me. I smiled at him and then looked away. This was going to be hard for me, but I wasn't going to fight it. Damian and I would be forever linked, no matter what happened. Why couldn't I give it a try? And perhaps he really had changed, right?
    The rest of my time at what used to be home wasn't bad. The only time I argued was when Celeste was actually home. She hated me and made it known. She refused to even look in Julie's direction, and would stare at Damian wistfully. Something nobody was supposed to catch her doing, I'm sure.
    I thought it would all go smoothly. We were leaving now. I was packing the car. I was grateful that my father hadn't said a word in my direction. I felt safe that nothing would go wrong now and I could go home, happy that I'd had a pretty good trip. Of course, I was wrong.
    I had just set the last bag into the trunk when I turned to see my father standing next to Celeste on the porch. I needed to go in and get Julie, but I did not want to pass either of those two. I decided that I had to anyway, and I did pass them. I had just passed them when I heard my father mutter, "A slut no better than her mother."
    The anger had been bottling up the entire time I was here burst out of me like lava out of a volcano. I spun around and glared at him. "How dare you say that about my mother?" I screamed. "She wasn't a slut, or a whore, or whatever you want to call her! She wasn't like that! I know she wasn't, I've been told! You raped her, you son of a bitch! You did it! And now I am here, so face it! It's your fault!"
    He wasn't stunned long enough for me to walk away. He was up in a flash, his hand encircling my neck. He picked me up and slammed me against the side of the house. I don't know why I thought about the doorbell that kept ringing. It was still somehow amusing to me, even though he was about to choke me to death. What an odd thought for your last thoughts.
    "You stupid little bitch! Don't you ever talk to me like that again! Don't you ever mention that again!" he screamed, pounding me harder against the doorbell.
    "Let her go!" I heard come from someone. I didn't know who it was. My mind was spinning from lack of oxygen. I needed my asthma medicine something awful. I was choking, dying.
    Though I did see Damian pull him off of me and felt myself drop to the hard, cold ground with a thump, I didn't get any rush of lifesaving air. Sure, I did get some air, which I gasped for. But I couldn't breathe. I kept wildly trying to pull in air, but my lungs wouldn't do it. I coughed and choked and began to cry. I couldn't die now. Please, please! I begged God. Don't let me die like this! Then I passed out for the very first time in my life.

Rain of Fire Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue

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