This page is dedicated to society’s most undervalued resource -- the Big Sisters of the world.
(Never mind what little sisters have to say about that. Everyone knows they sulk and throw hissy fits when they don’t hold centre stage).
Big Sisters must reassure little sisters that they weren’t really adopted. Big Sisters are responsible for convincing big brothers that dead-legging, rabbit-killers, "get a dog up yah!" and "hasn't Vicki got FAT" aren’t acceptable gambits when engaging in mature adult debate with little sisters and brothers. Little brothers depend on Big Sisters to convince them that their mutual parent figures know they're alive.
Being a Big Sister is not to be taken lightly. Big Sisters must be calm, competent, reliable, charming, plausible, knowledgeable and devastatingly intelligent; superior organisers; deft manipulators; eager to assume the mantle of leadership; and prepared to be called bossy cow, smart-arse, bully and worse.
The fact is, when it comes to family, Big Sisters get used to having big ears, broad shoulders, long noses and zipped mouths. We listen; watch; offer strong drink, tissues, threats, homilies and the odd loan until payday. We pretend to mind our own business. But when a real crisis threatens, we charge in with judgements loaded and opinions blazing. Well, that’s what we’re here for, innit?
Above all, Big Sisters know that they must prepare themselves to eventually take Mum's place as Grand Matriarch. This is a hard and sobering discipline. One must follow a rigid preparatory programme of:
- Slaps Upside The Head, Veiled Threats & Sleazy Bribes;
- the “Wake Up To Yourself” Mantra;
- the “Why Did You Do That, You Dickhead? ” Interrogatory;
- the “Shut Up and Listen for Once in Your Life” Proposition; and finally,
- The “Don't Panic, She'll Be Right” Affirmation.
Big Sisters can do bloody near anything — which is just as well, because we are regularly called upon to do just that. Just think of the mundane miracles we perform every day:
- knowing something about everything and answering stupid questions ( eg. the date of your great-uncle's birthday; the name of the bloke who played the dead lover in that brilliant British movie that was twice as good as "Ghost"; how internal combustion engines work; the first four lines of "Gelert" and ALL the words to the Vegemite song and "Teddy Bears' Picnic"; when chickenpox stops being contagious; what you should do if homemade jam won't set) *
- feeding the multitude (recipes for school fetes, parties and any family occasion)
- clothing the naked (fancy dress outfits, costumes for dancing class concerts, high school formal dresses, tiny knitted garments etc etc)
- dispensing common-sense advice, healing the sick, and comforting the desperate, deranged and rather badly miffed
And that's just the minor stuff.
* (a) 29 January 1911 (b) Allan Rickman in "Truly, Madly, Deeply" (c) don't be lazy: look it up for yourself (d) and (e) as for c. -- the Internet's a wonderful thing, you know (f) hide it at the back of the pantry, behind the bag of seed for the budgie that died 4 years ago and all those jars of pickled red cabbage that no-one else but you likes.
TALK TO BIG SISTER (you know it makes sense) 