You know what happens when you ask Big Sisters for advice, don't you? You get it.
A flea in the ear. A good talking to. A Stern Glare Over the Glasses. Perhaps a Tsk! with raised eyebrow and eye-roll. And on those rare occasions when the catastrophe really isn't somehow all your own fault, you might be on the receiving end of a gruff "Hmmph!" and a hug.
Need any of the above from an experienced Big Sister? Then join the several who have listened to me, dammit! and changed their lives...
23.10.03
"I have just spent a rather choked-up few mins reading your poems and observation on England and one thing I MUST know. What IS the name of the ragtime tune hammered out in the background?
I don't know that one.
?
Lydia Crackleshot"
My dear Mrs Crackleshot,
As you refer to a "ragtime tune", I am assuming your query is in reference to the musical accompaniment to page 2 of the Pomes ie. "the adventure
continues". The piece in question is a Satie composition, "Picadilly".
(Bet you didn't expect a high-tone composer like Satie, eh?) Page 1
features the "Pizzicato Polka". Your ob't servt.
(Miss) Muriel Thrasher-Hun
Deputy Under-Matron (ret'd)
10.07.03 "Are you sure your copy of Tapestry of the Boar (as well as some of the other books listed) don't actually belong to me?
Leanne"
Just goes to show, you can't trust anyone to RTFM. (It also explains why Leanne usually delegates tasks requiring reading anything more complex than a meeting agenda).
The relevant page actually says: "All the titles listed live on my bookshelves (or used to but I can't find them, or some wretch borrowed my copy and never returned it), except for those that I borrowed from someone else and liked so much that I'll probably get my own copy sooner or later". I gave your copy of 'Tapestry of the Boar' back, I remember distinctly. (As to some of the others, though, I wouldn't swear: anyway, how do you think I acquired most of my favourites, if not for borrowing and not returning them).
Look, I'll do you a deal: you come over to my place one weekend and take back anything of yours you can find, and I'll do the same round at your place sometime. Just give me a bit of notice, so I can hide all the best ones. Okay? You can't say fairer than that. (Well, you could, I suppose, but don't pick nits, it's petty and unbecoming an executive type like yourself).
29.06.03
"I have a hideous 15 year old brother and when we were about to get into the car to go to a favourite aunts house. house,"MUM, CAN YOU DROP ME AT LUKES?". he whined! Of course mums said yes so I said I bags the front coz I knew I would have a loooonnnggg and painful drive ahead of me so I went to get the gate and he says,"I bags the front!" but i had already bagsed it so I opened the gate and he blocks the gate and because he is much bigger and stinkier than me I backed off.I walked to the car and as I opened the front car door I yelled,"You can get the gate but I am sitting in the front!" so I got in and locked all the doors coz I knew what was gonna happen.Mum got in the car and we drove out the gate, Kerry shut the gate and tried to open my door I had locked YEEEEHAAAAH!He couldn't get in so mum says,"You two sort out your problem" and stepped out of the vehicle.I opened the door and Kerry looked at me and kicked me really hard and said "I will get in the back" All the way to the petrol station he was saying rude things to me so I got out of the car and told him to get in the front.I was so relieved when we reached Lukes and I got to sit in the front all the way to my favourite aunts house and then home again. Favourite aunty Vicki what should I do about Kerry....should I spray perfume in his room or just clean it or should I just bash him?
love always Bella"
Well Bella, you've obviously already learned two of the eternal fundamentals of Secret Women's Business...
1. always, always listen to your mother
2. sometimes it's easier all round to let people have their own way (even when it's not fair and you're being bullied), especially if it's not something worth busting a gut over
Oh, and there is a third principle evident here as well:
3. Big Brothers are bastards
So, what you should you do in this particular instance? Put it down to a learning experience. Shit happens (particularly when big brothers are involved). And consider the collateral benefits -- your mother (not to mention your adorable favourite aunty) will be so impressed with your maturity and level-headedness that she will be much more inclined toward your point of view in future skirmishes. Congratulations, Bella, you are well on your way as an Apprentice Matriarch. (Oh, and rather than spraying your brother's room with perfume, try hiding something nasty w-a-a-a-y in under his bed, where you can be sure he'll never look. You can have one of Corbin's nappies if you like. We have our ways...)
"Dammit, cow, you *know* what I want so stop pretending you're this sweeter than honey big sister and perfect MOM!
I do have something to ask, akshully....I've been feeling a bit sick of a morning lately and I'm putting on weight. My period is ages late but Jim says I look great, glowing even. What do you think, Ma, should I get my hormones tested?
Love,
Bee"
Honestly, Bee, forget the hormone check and try a reality check. Putting on weight and feeling sick in the morning? Hell-oo? Going to bed on a tummy full of strawberry marshmallows, banana gelato and hot chocolate doesn't have anything to do with it, I suppose? And if Jimmy thinks you look glowing, I should jolly well hope so considering the pounds of expensive slap you've been trowelling on. At least you're getting your money's worth either way. And there's no need to be snakey to your mother, even if it's no more than I've come to expect. Tsk!
"My daughter recently came home from England to visit her poor old Dad, and about time too. Trouble is, she says she's going back again -- some nonsense about a boyfriend. What does she need a boyfriend for when she's got her dad, especially when the bugger won't even make an honest woman of her and bring her home where she belongs? Should I hide her passport?
Desperate Dad from Dipswitch"
Dear Desperate Dad,
While I sympathise with your situation, you have to face facts. A boyfriend can offer your daughter a lot of things you can't, or shouldn't, even if you do come from Dipswitch, you sad person, you. (Anyway, I have to question whether it's worth agonising over a pelican daughter who flits off to the other side of the globe and forgets all about her Marmee, who's only done everything for her and never complained, no, not once: her lips are sealed, pursed and puckered). And forget hiding her passport: she already knows every one of your hiding places, including the cupboard downstairs where you keep those disgusting videos. At your age! You should be ashamed.
All right, all right, if you really must, whine to me and I'll see what I can do. I won't promise anything, mind. Time you stood on your own two feet, anyway.