From the Urban Legends mailing list (urban-legends@yahoogroups.com), courtesy of "eequat":

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra. Ed.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

back to top

1. Disposable razors worth $1 each are made using space-age technology.
2. People who use brand X are mentally retarded.
3. Really sexy girls with big tits are waiting for you to call them now.
4. Every Australian dreams of buying a house.
5. When you get that house, your wife will smile and hug you on the front lawn while happy real estate agent replaces the "For Sale" sign with one that says "Sold!"
6. A bloke will always wipe his brow with his forearm after drinking beer from a can.
7. Bank tellers are happy.
8. Butchers are fat.
9. Women don't drink beer.
10. Aborigines don't exist.
11. Unless they're Ernie Dingo.
12. Skateboard riding leads to Coke drinking.
13. Milk pours in slow motion.
14. People close their eyes after drinking coffee.
15. Tony Lockett wouldn't punch out Greg Matthews for telling him he needed a hair transplant.
16. The opinions of morons emerging from cinemas are of great value.
17. Toilet paper and your arse have nothing to do with each other.
18. Stocks are limited.
19. Madness and insanity are desirable qualities in some retailers.
20. Chefs are up in arms about the increased quality of packet food.
21. All Mexicans wear sombreros, have moustaches, are quite stupid and eat nothing but corn chips.
22. John Laws still isn't sure that people know what he means when he says "Valvoline".
23. When a packet or container is empty, some sad-faced dickhead has to turn it upside down and shake it to be sure.
24. When men wear brand-new clothes they have to put their hands in their pockets.
25. Models have orgasms when they eat chocolate or icecream.
26. Girls play tennis, water ski and laugh a lot when having their periods.
27. Single parents can pick up a root at McDonalds.

back to top

From the Urban Legends mailing list, urban-legends@yahoogroups.com , Tuesday, 4 February 2003:

"A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day, and as I read it, realization of a BASIC TRUTH came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't see it. John Divine, Chairman of the Planar Repeater Club, an amateur radio group, has discovered what makes integrated circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC, it stops working. He claims to have verified this by testing. I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all electrical work. Remember the time that smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator? Didn't it quit?"

Women have understood the leak principle for years. Every woman knows that eating broken biscuits/cookies or the children's half-consumed hamburgers doesn't count because all the calories have leaked out. We appreciate the dangers signalled by holes in the ozone layer -- all the gravity will leak away.

But it comes as no surprise that belated discovery of the leak principle should hit men between eyes like a divine revelation. Last time the voltage regulator* in my car lost all its smoke and the car declined to proceed, my husband asked me if I was sure it wasn't out of petrol.

(* It was a Lucas).

Vicki PS

back to top

From uk.rec.sheds, 1998 or thereabouts, by "fruitbat":

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a power station 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Birmingham, and either breaks or rounds them off.

ANGLE GRINDER: When used to just take off that tiny burr - effectively turns a a perfectly painted panel into a surface resembling that of 30 grade sandpaper. If a wire wheel is attached, can also be used by the more extreme body mutilation afficionados and, for riot control; those sharp little wires shoot off in every direction and, at amazing speed.

BACKSAW: Invented by William Back, the sawdust magnate. Used for recycling excess floorboards.

BALL-PEEN HAMMER: Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Fransco de Gama in 1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been invented, and the practice of hitting yourself in the balls had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of devices. Ball-peen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a universal centre-punch.

BATTERY HYDROMETER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

BRAKE PIPE FLARING TOOL: A device for increasing the diameter of the ends of brake pipes, which is so stupid, that it doesn't know that when the pipe fits perfectly, one of the unions has either been left off or put on backwards.

CIRCLIP PLIERS: Used to prise the lids off paint tins. Work better, if you snap off those silly little nibs that fit circlips.

CROWBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that tiny clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a tool for stirring tea or spreading mayonnaise, however, used mainly for getting dog-crap off your boot.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Also used for bending nails. If used properly, nail will bend, then fire itself across the room, as it is now useless anyway.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1 inch too short.

HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have restored your brakes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4x2: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

LEAD LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

MOLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads and to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. However, is also capable of causing the prone user to get out from underneath a car at the speed of light, when the white hot blob of braze won't take on the exhaust silencer, you were hoping might last another week or two, and eventually falls on your chest.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

SCREWDRIVER: Device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in things.

SILVER SOLDER: Although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, its main intention is as a replacement for twist-ties. Also used to prove the "no two snowflakes" theory when melted above finished floors. It has been said that Pershing used solder to practice bombing raids on cockroaches.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing custom made leather goods.

STAPLING GUN: Invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another, as staples are not made in that size.

SU ADJUSTING SPANNER: Teeny 1 1/2" long mini-spanner; drop into the inaccessible recesses of your engine-bay, to simulate that vintage intermittent rattling noise. If you don't want that vintage sound, it can easily be retrieved, see under two-ton hydraulic engine hoist.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

TIN SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth-straps and other lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large engine-mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end and no handle on the other.

WHITWORTH SPANNERS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or any other you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." See also angle grinder.

back to top

CHEMICAL SECTION

CAUSTIC SODA, FOLLOWED BY NITRIC ACID: Used for dissolving gummy deposits on SU fuel pump filters, then dissolving the filter.

GUNK: Invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunks' primary component is mayonnaise, but perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely. Also used for lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied to skin, Gunk never comes off.

IMPACT ADHESIVE: Used for removing the slots between your fingers.

LACQUER THINNER: Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was invented by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of making money. Creative mechanics often use lacquer thinner to tie-die trousers while wearing them.

MINERAL SPIRITS: Aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff. Used for wetting metal parts. Also used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note: process takes approx. one month) This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced efficiency.

SILICON WAX: Used to ensure that paint will never, ever adhere, ever again.

PRE-PAINT CELLULOSE THINNERS: Used to ensure that any silicon wax present, is distributed more evenly over the surface to be painted.

WD40: Deceptive oil-like substance, for making rusting parts rust faster, but smell nice.
--

batty.

back to top

My response to a challenge issued by my esteemed colleagues (who sometimes -- I won't say often -- have very little of greater import to think about), on a matter of deep concern to public servants everywhere.

1. Bastinado of dickheads: suggested by thoughts of suitable punishment for such persons (namely, flogging the soles of the feet with canes); but also carries apt connotations of both their general character, and exclamations of disgust from their audience
2. Bavardage of dickheads: idle and empty chatter
3. Boondoggle of dickheads: refers to their habit of performing trivial or valueless work in order to appear busy
4. Bunkum of dickheads: claptrap (say no more)
5. Fopdoodle of dickheads: meaning 'an insignificant fool', it is delightfully apt in light of the tendency of these folks to talk flapdoodle.
6. Coxcomb of dickheads: 'coxcomb' meaning, of course, a conceited fool: again, a serendipitous association of ideas
7. Decoction of dickheads: carries the concept of reducing something to its essence through placing it in hot water
8. Dingle of dickheads: an insignificant word with an attractive consonance
9. Fandangle of dickheads: means both silly fooling around; and an eccentric or grotesque ornament. Hmm.

OR my personal favourite:

10. Canard of dickheads: a sensational report, phoney story or hoax. The expression (from the French for 'duck') originated in a report spread by one Cornelissen, who claimed to have killed one of twenty ducks and fed it to the other 19; then similarly fed one of the 19 to the remaining 18; and so on until there remained but one full duck

• Cockle: a nice euphony to this one
• Firkin: a small tub of butter; or, an effing merkin
• Futtock: some kind of wooden component on a ship: sounds great though, eh?
• Inspissation: the act of thickening
• Jactitation: boasting or bragging
• Lucubration: laborious intellectual effort; or a literary composition of a heavy-handed, overly elaborate nature
• Merkin, codpiece: well, you know what they are
• Nescience: lack of knowledge, ignorance
• Nimiety: excess, extravagance, surfeit
• Noyade: mass execution by drowning
• Quim: yes, yes, you know what that is, too
• Ullage: the amount by which a liquid falls short of filling its container; empty space
• Yirn: to whine or pout

back to top

BACK to Shed in the Head	Akquire culture & keep the brane clean
Big Sisters	Greedy Guts
Big Girl's Blouse	A Flea in The Ear
HOME Functional Disrepair

(Last updated 13 July 2003)