Quickies

Q: How is a vagina like a warm toilet seat?
A: Well, they both feel nice but you can't help but wonder who has been there before you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What are the three most profoundly impressive things women can do?
A: Give milk without eating hay, bleed without getting cut, and bury bones without having to dig a hole.

Q: Why do Black widow spiders kill their mates after sex?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What has Bill Clinton done for the US?
A: Just about what pantyhose did for fingerfucking.

Q: Did you hear about the faggot sperm bank with a new freezing method?
A: They advertised their product as, "Tastes just like fresh squeezed."

Q: Why can a woman get by with only one egg, but a man needs to make millions of sperm?
A: Because even men's sperm won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What is the ultimate Jewish dilemma?
A: Free bacon.

Q: Why are Jewish children so rude?
A: Heredity.

Q: Why do they play sports on artificial turf in Poland?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

Q: Why did the feminist commit suicide?
A: She saw herself in the mirror.

Q: Why won't Jewish American Princesses breast feed their male babies?
A: Because they don't want them to grow up to become leeches like their fathers.

Q: How can you pick out the mother-in-law at a Jewish wedding?
A: She's the one down on her knees picking up the rice.

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from her job as an elevator operator?
A: No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't learn the route.

Q: Why do blondes insist that their partners use condoms during sex?
A: Doggie bag.

Q: What is the first thing they teach Arabs who want to become soldiers?
A: How to put their hands up in the air.

Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A: A canoe tips.

Q: Why don't vampires go south of the border?
A: Because every time they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the shits for a month.

Q: Why did the homosexual give up playing chess?
A: He found out that occasionally queens were sacrificed.

Q: What is the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a woman?
A: When she has to take her dog to the vet and Fido gets diagnosed as having the clap.

Q: What was the name of the mythical little boy whose nuts got larger every time he told a lie?
A: Pistachio.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: You made her chain too long.

Q: What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: A padded dash.

Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: What crime is common to all transvestites?
A: Male fraud.

Q: Did you hear what the interior decorator did after he turned black and blue from a car accident?
A: He committed suicide because he now clashed with his own drapes.

Q: When did Clinton first realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: What was J. Edgar Hoover's private motto?
A: "Eat, drink, and be Mary."

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

Q: What’s the smartest thing ever to come out of a blonde's mouth?
A: Albert Einstein’s dick.

Q: What do Rabbis do with the skin left over from circumcisions?
A: They sell it to faggots for chewing gum.

Q: How are women like condoms?
A: When they're not hanging off the end of your dick, they're in your wallet!

Q: What's the difference between a circumcision and a divorce?
A: In a divorce you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: Why did the Clintons have only one child?
A: Because Hillary had a vasectomy.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: Which doesn't fit the following group of items: a toaster, a dishwasher, a woman, and a washing machine?
A: A toaster. The rest all leak when they're fucked.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q: What is a target-rich singles bar?
A: One where every girl has to display her I.U.D. to enter.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know - it's never happened.

Q: Did you hear about the town nymphomaniac?
A: She was so skinny that every time she swallowed an olive, five guys skipped town.

Q: What's the difference between Presidents Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: How can you tell if your doctor is queer?
A: When you can feel both of his hands on your shoulders while you are getting a rectal exam.

Q: When is the only time a blonde says anything intelligent?
A: When she is talking about what her husband said.

Q: Why did Helen Keller have pock marks all over her face?
A: From learning to eat with a fork.

Q: Did you hear about the little-known morals arrest of Helen Keller when she was in high school?
A: They caught her lip-reading in the girls' locker room.