KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New suit?"
The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place.
He hears the voice again. "Seriously...you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?"
The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone.
"Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?"
"You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement.
The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer.

"What'll you have?" asks the barkeep.
"What?... Oh, a pint of ale, I guess", mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts.
He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. "What's the deal with these nuts?" he asks.
The barkeep brings the guy's pint over and sets it before him.

"They're complimentary", he shrugs.

A Sailor walked into a bar, and noticed a horse, in a stall, at one end of the bar. In a large bucket in front of the stall was a lot of money. The guy asked, "What's with the horse and money?" THe bartender said, "Anyone who puts $10 in the bucket and can make the horse laugh, will win the money."

"Well," the guy said, "that ought to be easy enough." He went over to the horse, whispered in his ear, and the horse busted out laughing. The sailor took his money and left.

A few months later the same guy walked into the same bar, and there was the same horse with the same bucket of money. The guy asked if the deal was still the same. The bartender said,"No, ever since you were here last, the horse hasn't stopped laughing, so now the deal is that if you can make him cry, without touching him, you get the money."

"Well," the guy said, "that's easy too." He walked over to the horse, entered the stall for a minute, did something, and the horse busted out crying. The sailor took his money and started to go.

The bartender stopped him and said, "Now wait a minute. first you come in here and make the horse laugh his head off, now you come in and he's crying his eyes out. What did you say and do to that horse?"

The sailor replied, "Well the first time, I told him that my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him!"

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"

"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"

"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.

"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.

"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"

"Be my guest," the bartender replies.

The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind the bar.

Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.

Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"

"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.

The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my eye!"

There was once a lemur called Faizal. Faizal was no ordinary lemur. In fact, instead of wasting his time sitting around with the other lemurs, Faizal would spend his days and nights drinking at the local pub. Faizal became a legend, he would sit at the bar and tell stories of lemur legend while everybody bought him drinks. Unfortunately, our friend Faizal had a bit of a temper, and became involved in a horrble dispute one night. One thing led to another and Faizal was horribly dismembered by a young lout with a flicknife. His bloodied corpse lay on the pavement outside the pub, and his severed fluffy tale lay in the gutter. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

So disheartened were the pub's patrons that they commisioned a plaque in Faizals honour.They had his cute fluffy tale mounted to a mahogony plaque, which they hung above the bar.

One Sunday evening after closing time, there was a knock on the pub door. The bartender opened the door and who should be there but a ghostly possesed visage of the deceased Faizal. "Holy mother of Jesus" said the barman, "its Faizal". The ghost lifted a ghostly finger and pointed towards the plaque above the bar, and then towards his own ghostly severed stump where a tail should have been.

"AH" said the barman, "you want your tail back, dont you ?" The ghostly lemur knodded. "Sorry ",said the barman "we dont retail spirits on a Sunday".

A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. In a quandary the bartender replies, "Anhauser Busch?" The woman answered, "fine and how's your dick?"

"Sorry ",said the barman "we dont retail spirits on a Sunday".

A man walked into a bar and explained to the bartender that he had had a very bad day and wanted the most potent drink there was. The bartender explained that he would make the drink, but the man could only drink one. After drinking the one, the man wanted another. The bartender said that one was enough but the man insisted. After drinking the second one, the man wanted a third. The bartender said that no one had drank two much less three. The man insisted so the bartender reluctantly made the third. After drinking it, the man stumbled out very drunk.

The next day the man walked into the bar and told the bartender "I had the worse night...I went home and blew chunks". The bartender said I told you so...they were potent drinks. "No", said the man, "you don't understand...my dog's name is Chunks".

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks "What the heck, I really want a drink".

A gay waiter swishes up to him and says "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer is shocked and says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink".

The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer says "all right, what's the name of YOUR penis?". The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT".

The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is "Secret". "SECRET?" says the waiter, confused.

The customer says "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".

A woman goes into a bar and orders 21 gin martinis. The bartender tells her she can't handle them all, but she insists he line 'em up. He does, she drinks them all down and passes out.

A guy sees her there passed out and says, "You know, we could all fuck her and she'd never know." So they all do.

After a while, she wakes up and goes home.

The next day, she goes back to the bar. The bartender recognizes her and says, "Another 21 gin martinis?"

"No," she says, "they make my pussy hurt."

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that cane, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask...

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."