| 2171. It's The Nuts...
A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New suit?" The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. "Seriously...you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?" The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone. "Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?" "You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement. The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer. "What'll you have?" asks the barkeep. "What?... Oh, a pint of ale, I guess", mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts. He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. "What's the deal with these nuts?" he asks. The barkeep brings the guy's pint over and sets it before him. "They're complimentary", he shrugs. 2172. TOP TEN THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY: 10. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. ...I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. And the number one thing you'll never hear a Dad say... 1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that --it's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it, but they don't mean it. :) 2173. At The Pub... One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!" 2174. College Humor YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN... o You consider McDonald's "real food" o You actually like doing laundry at home o 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends o It starts getting late on the weeknights o Two miles is not too far to walk for a party o You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it o You'd rather clean than study o "Oh #$%^ how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night o Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life o You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps o You know the pizza boy by name o You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark o You live for getting mail (E-mail included) o Looking out the window is a form of entertainment o Prank phone calls become funny again o It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on o World War III could take place and you'd be clueless o You start thinking and sounding like your roommate o Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth o Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime o You find out milk crates had so many uses o Wal-mart is the coolest store o The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night) o You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long o Your 5 year student e-mail account expired THE STUDENT MIND DURING A FINAL EXAM the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity * 10% The prof. never covered this section! * 10% Actual knowledge on the subject. * 10% The T.A.'s kinda cute! * 10% I knew I should have read the book! * 10% Soon this will all be behind me! * 10% I hope the curve is really low! * 10% PANIC ZONE! * 10% Prayers for a miracle flood, fire, tornado, hurricane, earthquake...etc... * 10% Eeny, meeny, miny moe... * 10% Summer break! HOW TO GET THROUGH A PAPER 1. Graphs and charts and maps and maybe one more chart 2. Coffee sweetened with jelly beans 3. Bee Gees "Saturday Night Fever" soundtrack on CD repeat 4. Now would be a good time to practice your ESP skills 5. Somehow work in a quote from the Prince of Wales 6. Midnight conversion to Roman Catholic in hopes of completing the paper before dawn 7. Beg your dog to share his wisdom 8. Copy the bibliography you used for your "Street Vendors: Friend or Foe" paper 9. Paper clip a blank check made out to your professor on your summary page 10. Lie like a bastard 11. Your goldfish "Bob" has just become your second live source 12. Put a religious significance in it....religion cannot be disproved! 13. Buy wrapping bandages and plaster of paris....create a body cast 14. Write anyone online for their suggestions and wisdom 15. Take out a loan for your professor! 16. Lots and lots of quotes 17. One word....Plagiarism. 18. The 6 a.m. cartoons are very inspiring and persuasive 19. Read the book.....again 20. Screw summarizing, expand to your heart's content 2175. Owed Two Computer A spotted this in the local paper in a Dear Abby column of all places. A woman wrote in with a very funny poem about computers and spellcheck. Here goes:
Owed Two Computer 2176. Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey) If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If by some occurence you find yourself falling of the CN Tower, Just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!" .................................................................. Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak! ................................................................. If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up behind his back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!" ................................................................ The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that they probably have their foot on the break. Hey, why not try the emergency break 2177. * YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER IF... * If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids'toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance (oh-oh).. If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting(BIG OH-Oh! ) If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates - jg) If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail........ 2178. More Church Humor More Church Humor "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22). A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7." A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones." There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!" From a church bulletin: "A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife." Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible? Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it. Minister: You do? Tell me. Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon. They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers. A young lad was vising a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service." Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or evening service?" 2179. The Mix Up A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace" Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry....imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: Congratulations on you new location! 2180. More Interesting Facts The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. No word in the English language rhymes with month. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize. Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes. Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition. The only two days of the year in which there are no North American professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." |