| 2181. Which is it?
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." 2182. Microsoft does it again I was just looking at the August 1, 1997, Network Computing magazine and found this in the editor's notes for the issue. He was talking about the magazines coverage of Microsoft products and how it elicits passionate responses. This is in regards to Microsoft's next Window's release "Naugahyde" which ships with an office chair at no extra charge. "Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps. 'Then again, it's not the first time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft,' noted one breathless customer." 2183. A Real Hero! Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank G-d for Real Heros! 2184. Brain Test: How smart are you? READ the following sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- Now count the F's in that sentence.. Answer at bottom of message..................... Now for the answer. . .
There are six F's in the sentence.. 2185. The Right Answer. By the time the average person finishes college he or she will have taken over 2,600 tests, quizzes and exams. The 'right answer' approach becomes deeply ingrained in our thinking. This may be fine for some mathematical problems, where there is in fact only one right answer. The difficulty is that most of life isn't that way. Life is ambiguous; there are many right answers - all depending on what you are looking for. But if you think there is only one right answer, then you'll stop looking as soon as you find one.
-Roger von Oech, Blood Line On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother!" 2186. Man & Woman - The Essential Differences A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him,
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, 2187. Got Some New Pigs. President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine sharply salutes him as usual. Clinton says: "I'd salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full." The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Pigs sir!" President Clinton responds: "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!" The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!" The President then responds: "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea!" The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, Good Trade Sir!" 2188. To Lather a Cat Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water. * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat non-chalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!) * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.) * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. 2189. Stupid Questions I just love to fill out stupid questions on forms with equally stupid answers. Here are a few...
Form: Length of Residence...
Form: Are you a leader or a follower ?
Form: Reason for requesting employment
Form: Pet Aversions
Form: Beneficiary
Form: Relationship
Form: Purpose of withdraw
Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident
Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident
Form: Disposition of passengers
Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex 2190. A Spiked Watermelon Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets." |