KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.

And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally try to appear more impressive than they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been previously believed.

Have you ever wondered why:

* Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese?

* Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?

* Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East?

* Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?

* Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?

Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states.

His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's interesting that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something.

This behavior-the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't know." They prefer, "That's not what's important here."

They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."

Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did Madonna go on the David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly, acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand, will come up with a few theories (she has the same agent? overdose of Prozac). Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.

But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said. "They have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance.

Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking about.

My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.

Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious facts.

Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company, gaping at the news that the earth is round.

MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And how MAS developed: Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about football.

Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all male-female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue.

-Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

-The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

-You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

-Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

-You get winded playing chess.

-Your children begin to look middle aged.

-You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

-You join a health club and don't go.

-You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

-You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.

-Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

-A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

-You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

-You look forward to a dull evening.

-You walk with your head held high trying to get use to your bifocals.

-Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

-You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

-You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go. -Your knees buckle and your belt won't. -You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

-You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

-After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

-Dialing long distance wears you out.

-You're startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".

-You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.

-You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

-You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m..

-Your back goes out more than you do.

-A fortune teller offers to read your face.

-The little gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

-You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

-You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

-Your sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

-You go to the beauty shop so they can touch up those gray hairs...on your chin.

-When you go to get your hair cut...in your ears.

-When you don't know where the mustach ends and the nose hair begins.

-When malox is your after dinner drink.

From the George Carlin Book "Brain Droppings"

"Its neither here nor there." Well, folks, its gotta be somewhere. I certaily don't have it.

If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to piss him off.

I'm sixty, and I don't need child-resistant caps on my medicine bottles. They say, "Well, someone with children might come and ivsit you." Fuck 'em! Let 'em take their chances. Anyone who visits me is accepting a certain level of risk in the first place.

What clinic did Betty Ford go to?

I'd like to live in a country where the official motto was, "You never know." It would help me relax.

"Blow your nose" is an interesting phrase. Because you don't really *blow* your nose, you blow out through your nose. If you blew your nose, I think they'd put you away. You might get someone else to blow your nose, but he would have to be a really close friend. Or completely drunk.

Grown-ups have great power. They can order candy on credit over the telephone and have it delivered. Wow.

It has become very easy to buy a gun. It used to be, "I have a gun, give me some money." Now it's, "I have money, give me a gun."

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws and criminals will have guns. Well, shit, those are precisely the people who need them.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

What year did Jesus think it was?

Life is a near-death experience.

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: "People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung." And "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

The status quo always sucks.

As Randy was working on re-spinning his resume' this past week, he realized that we're never quite truthful on resume's and job applications. We try to make ourselves look as good as possible, usually better than we really are. So today, Randy thought he'd fill out a job application the way he wants to rather than the way he should .....

NAME: Randy Allen

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha Ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yup.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collections of hubcaps and beer bottles.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recomend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

Hello, and welcome to Bizarre!, the internet service that wonders what Native Americans think when they hear that Columbus discovered America...

Ku Klux Klansmen are having an awful time in Northern Illinois. It seems that the local ranks have dwindled to less than 100 diehard racists, and the ones that are left aren't doing very well. A report by a state investigative committee described this cross-burning ceremony at a farm near Georgetown: "After starting an hour late, the Klansmen found the cross was too heavy to lift. It took them nearly three hours to chop it down to size and haul it into place. When they finally managed to erect the cross, they were unable to ignite it." ...and these guys are the superior race...

A man in New Brunswick was fined $250 after pleading guilty to the charge of misleading a police officer. The prosecution in the case revealed that Mr. Blaine Gould had deep-fried his pet gerbil, and then pretended to find it in a box of fried chicken he bought at a local take-out restaurant...

Angry waiters in a restaurant in London's Chinatown section allegedly attacked a group of patrons for complaining about the food. The diners became upset when they were informed that the restaurant was "out of crispy duck". The waiters reportedly beat the customers with baseball bats... boy, it's tough to figure a tip in this situation...

Robert Driscoll of Detroit passed the civil service exam required to be a city bus driver, but was rejected, according to his application, for "excessively noticeable freckles"... OK, as long as there's a good reason...

The reverend Dwight Wymer, a Baptist minister in Grand Rapids, Michigan, reportedly used a 12-volt battery to shock his young students during sermons at his summer Bible school. Wymer explained: "When we don't do what God tells us to do... ZAP!"

"I snapped or something," said Orval Loyd of Dallas, TX, explaining to police why he had mistaken his mother-in-law for a large raccoon and hacked her to death... hey, anybody can make a mistake...

The New York Times reports that dozens of rural Americans are killed each year after they drink too much, lie down in the middle of the highway, and get run over...

The following are personal accounts submitted to the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company regarding auto accidents:

"I had been driving my car for 40 years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

A Detroit man, Frank Pullman, has been killed by an egg. According to reports, Mr. Pullman was cooking his own breakfast when he dropped a raw egg on the floor. He stepped in the egg and slipped, hitting his head on the floor... and those Brussels sprouts don't look too friendly, either...

Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. They unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes...

In Coldfield, England, 310 lb. Charles Walters got into his tub to take a bath. He became wedged in and, try as he might, could not get out. He was discovered 3 days later, barely alive... I'll bet his toes were wrinkled up pretty good too...

Citadel Press has come out with a paperback edition of the book How to Be Brief. The new edition has been retitled How to Express Yourself Clearly and Briefly...

What did you dream last night? According to the Dictionary of Dreams, if you dream of screaming for help, danger awaits you in matters of love. If instead you dream of your lover handling scissors, you'll have a big argument about love matters... during which neither of you should be handling scissors...

That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true...

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the life gard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?"

"I don't want the house."

"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"

"I don't want the cars or the planes."

"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"

"I don't want that either."

"Do you want the drugs now or later?"

"I don't want the drugs."

"Do you want the girls now or later?"

"I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the bastard that pushed me in."

- Redneck Driving Etiquette -

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

- Redneck Personal Hygiene -

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

- Redneck Dining Out -

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

- Redneck Theater Etiquette -

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

It's not OK for the groom to bring a date to the wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.