KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

1) Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number 2 rule follows.

2) Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.

3) Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about 1 foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the better.

4) Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you've heard about submissive women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny, crying mind-control.

5) Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of HelloKitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave any other way, she will never understand it.

6) Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.

7) Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow - you must be as unchanging and constant as the firmament..

8) There are NO MORE RULES to making your girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not addressed, you are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary rules #1 and #2 - they are the solution in every such case.

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

NEW YORK -- It was the end of an era in American entertainment Monday, as the 55-year history of television came to a close.

Though the decision to stop transmitting has come as a shock to U.S. viewers , whose reactions have ranged from wild panic to profound grief, television industry insiders say it was an idea whose time had come.

"It's been great producing shows over the years, and we are very grateful for all the hours the fans have spent watching. But we just feel we've taken the medium as far as it can go," NBC president William Schallert said. "Anything more would just become a tired rehash of old ideas. We'd like TV to be remembered as something better than that."

At 9:17 p.m. EST, millions of Americans watched in horror as their favorite programs -- including Melrose Place, Murphy Brown and Monday Night Football -- were cut off by hissing white noise and static on their TV screens. While many sat in front for hours, staring in slack-jawed disbelief, others took to rioting in the streets, looting stores and overturning cars.

In Los Angeles, a violent mob of 25,000 has been rioting nonstop since Monday night, setting autos aflame and terrorizing electronics repair stores . Marching through the streets with their no-longer-functioning TVs skewered at the ends of long poles, the L.A. rioters have captured many of these electronics stores' employees, angrily demanding they "fix" the defunct sets, savagely beating them when they are inevitably unable to do so .

Despite the public's violent reaction, network executives stand by their decision. "Sure, I suppose we could have kept it up indefinitely, but what would have been the point?" said Tony Dow, director of programming for the WB Network. "Last week, we aired an episode of Moesha where Mo was too embarrassed to wear her glasses on a big date, so she went without them and bumped into lots of things. Do you have any idea how many times a sitcom has used that premise? I mean, give me a break."

"No... tee... VEEEEEE..." droned Knoxville, TN, dry cleaner Dave Benedict, drooling heavily as he repeatedly pointed and clicked his now-obsolete remote control at the blank screen of his Sony Trinitron. "Where... Frasier ?... can't see... Frasier..." Benedict has remained in such a state for the last 72 hours, gripping the arms of his recliner, surrounded by empty soda cans and snack-chip bags, and waist deep in his own feces and urine.

In addition to the shut-down of programming by the major broadcasting networks, all cable television companies, as well as the videocassette market, have closed shop as well.

"Now that TV is over, I suppose we could still continue our video-rental business. But if you think about it, it's so much less enjoyable to watch films on the small screen than it is to see them in theaters," Blockbuster Video CEO Wayne Huizenga said. "There's just no substitute for the old-time Hollywood magic of the larger-than-life movie-theater experience. I don't think people would be interested."

"I talked to my wife for four hours last night," said Denver resident Charles Bain. "I got home from work, she started talking. I turned on the TV: Nothing! Nowhere to go, nothing to do but relate to her and the children!"

"AIIIIIEEEEE!!" Bain added, diving headfirst through a plate-glass window to his death.

Companies traditionally heavily reliant on TV advertising, such as Microsoft , Reebok, Chrysler and Gold Bond Medicated Powder, have reacted swiftly to news of the shutdown, transferring their commercials to "Burma Shave"-style sequential roadside signs; hand-held placards; and travelling circus sideshow-based promotions.

Actors left jobless by television's demise have also been forced to make the transition to post-TV America, albeit less smoothly. Though some are doing dinner theater, most television actors have returned to their pre-TV careers as waiters and waitresses. Some, like former TV superstar Candace Bergen -- who recently legally changed her name to Murphy Brown in hopes of retaining celebrity status -- have launched hastily arranged touring versions of their former shows, performing old episodes live in malls and department-store parking lots throughout the countryside.

"Bring the kids down to see Murphy Brown -- Live On Stage, three nights only , at the Omaha Val-U-Sav through Saturday," a tired-looking Brown exhorted a Nebraska crowd. "And be sure not to miss Murphy In Song, a medley of your favorite showtunes, sung by me, Murphy Brown herself, immediately before and after the show! Showtimes are 7:30, 8:15 and 8:45, three shows nightly!"

"I dance too!" she added.

Despite throwing nearly every aspect of American society into chaos with their decision, television executives remain optimistic about the future.

"Television was a nice enough medium, but it always fell flat compared to other means of expression: the power of the written word, the magic of painting and the thrill of community-based quilting bees," Viacom's Eileen Brennan said. "We tried to take it far, but compared to those things, I think it's obvious that TV never stood a chance."

Looking ahead, former NBC president Brandon Tartikoff struck a note of hope. "We feel that with television over, the American people will waste no time returning to the more productive hobbies they have always preferred, such as nature hiking, family piano-parlor sing-a-longs and open mike poetry readings," Tartikoff said. "There's only so much revenue that can be generated spooning pre-adolescent pixilated pablum to the lowest common demographic denominator. In retrospect, we're glad we quit while we were ahead. I think it's pretty obvious the American consumers felt they deserved better."

A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar.

He walked up to her and said "Can I buy you a drink?"

She replied "Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me."

"And why not?" replied the guy.

"Because I'm a lesbian." she replied.

"Oh, so you're from Lebanon."

"You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?"

"No, I can't say I do." replied the guy.

"Let me try to explain." said the blonde.

"You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long."

She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.

"What's the matter with you?!"

The guy slowly looked up at her and said "My G-D...I think I'm a lesbian, too!"

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

or,
Close Encounters of the Referential Kind
[public edition]

Part 2: Actual Reference Interviews reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

Patron: "I'm looking for a book."
Mental answer 1: "Well, you're in the right place."
Mental answer 2: "Here's one." (Hand over nearest volume.)
Audible answer : "Can you be a little more specific?"

=====

Patron: "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"
Mental answer: "Books classified by color are shelved downstairs in the [non-existent] third sub-basement."
Audible answer: "What were you looking for when you found the book the first time?"

=====

Patron: "Do you have anything good to read?"
Reference person getting her audible and mental answers mixed up: "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

=====

Telephone patron: Do you have books on leaves?
Library worker: Nope, we keep them on shelves.

=====

Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth.
Ref: "We have a table-top model over here."
Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life size one?"
Ref (after a short pause): "Yes, but it's in use right now!"

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my dick you're holding."

The owner of a well-established firm of wholesalers was interviewing people for a position in sales. One candidate offered excellent references and experience and was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the sales manager decided to be frank, "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put customers off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the sales candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for yourself, I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk.

The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them , and sure enough, the tic went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my company to be represented by some wild womanizer, after all."

"No fear. I'm a happily married man."

"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"

"It's simple, sir. Did you ever go into a drug store, winking like crazy, and ask for a packet of aspirins?

Advancement opportunity
-Shit job

Entry Level
-Really a shit job

No experience necessary
-The mother of all shit jobs

Administrative assistant
-Shit job with a title

Ground floor opportunity
-Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential
-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public Relations Receptionist
Professional appearance important -$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner
-Be the voice of 1-900-suck

Earn up to $300 per hour
-Be 1-900-suck

Salary range $24K to $32K
-The salary is $24K

Jeans job!
-Minimum wage temporary job in concentration camp office

Will train
-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem

BA required, MA preferred
-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Civil service
-This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women/minorities encouraged
-White males need not waste a stamp

Outstanding benefits package
-Health insurance

Tons of variety
-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

Top notch communication skills
-Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locale
-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

Secretary
-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary
-The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated
-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate
-We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable
-We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary
-We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job-period!

Competitive starting salary
-Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere
-A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere
-Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere
-Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere
-Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday
-Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self starter
-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means