KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask...

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

One day the N.A.S.A. scientists and the astronauts were having exercise somewhere in the Middle America. They were practising the expedition to Mars. This surrounding has been chosen because the ground looked similar to Mars's surface.

Soon they got a company. An old Indian man was looking at them and he seemed to be very interesting in what they were doing. He asked them in his bad English:

'What is going on in here?'

They explained him all about their expedition to Mars. They also said that there is a possibility that they will discover a new life form there.

An old Indian seemed pretty excited and delighted. His next question was:

'Could you guys give my message to the aliens, if you will meet them by coincidence?'

The group from N.A.S.A. liked it very much. The idea about sending a message from this old Indian man to unknown aliens was amusing and worth trying. So the man spoke a few words in Indian language (because his English was too poor) and the message was recorded on the tape. But because the guys from N.A.S.A. were a bit in a hurry they forgot to asked him what was the meaning of the message. This was not so small problem, since no one at N.A.S.A. knew Indian language.

In the next week the leader of the group was trying very hard to find someone to translate the message. At first he wasn't successful, but when he finally found someone, the meaning of the message was discovered. The message was: 'Beware of these guys! They came only to steal your soil!'

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it.

Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

KENNEDY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

KENNEDY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid, looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

KENNEDY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

KENNEDY: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

KENNEDY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. Belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

KENNEDY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned Peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

KENNEDY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

KENNEDY: Mommy?

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.

8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.

9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.

10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call PizzaHut.

11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.

12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.

13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.

14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF.

15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.

16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.

17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.

18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.

20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.

21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"

22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.

24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.

25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).

28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.

30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.

31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!

33. Your dog leaves you.

34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.

35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

36. You have a map on the wall w/LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.

37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh, cyber sex perv".

40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).

43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.

46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.

47. You don't know where the time has gone.

48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.

50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.

53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".

55. You type faster than you think.

56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to the Internet too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

61. You dream in "text".

62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.

64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

65. You double click your TV remote.

66. You can now type over 70 wpm.

67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".

69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).

70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.

72. You stop speaking in full sentences.

73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.

76. You know what a "snert" is.

77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".

78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.

79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.

80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wish- ing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.

81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

83. You have met over 100 AOLers.

84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask for an age/sex/location check.

85. You understand the humor in all of this.

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Your parents charge rent.

Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.

The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

Three words: School Loan Payments.

You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.

You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.

THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey; NOW: IRA's, Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.

Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Football "season tickets" go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of friends TO $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to'.

You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe fro the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them jpersonal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "Thats fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone thats a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."

You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."

You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, Then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

Being bad is no longer cool.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

Your parents' jokes are now funny.

You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.

Christmas starts to piss you off.

You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

Two words: parachute pants

Naps are good.

Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".

When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense balloons.

When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.

The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.

You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

You WANT clothes for Christmas.

You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You've bought an album on vinyl.

You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

You read the "if you were born on this day in 1976 you are of legal age to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.

You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

{{The best place to buy condoms is your local massive drugstore.......So go shopping. Dress cool, hold your head high, read labels, make your selection.}}

I think a little additional advice is in order here.

My husband and I often purchase condoms along with other items. One does not live on condoms alone. Some caution or certainly some discrestion should be used when making combined purchases.

Motor oil, for instance does get some strange glances at the check out counter along with a condom buy. Purchasing the filter and the filter wrench is enough to cause the cashier to faint.

Body oils and ointments are very acceptable but avoid buying tubes of BenGay or Preparation H along when making your condom purchase. It goes with out saying that it is not time to buy a bottle of asprin.

Cosmetic buys may be considered fine at this time but do avoid buying tweezers. Nail clippers are right out.

Baby products might cause a smile. The oil warmer looks like a sofisticated purchase but getting too many boxes of wipes does look odd. Resist buying that marked down set of baby booties with one bootie missing. Have the baby with you or borrow one from another customer during a diaper purchase.

Food items will gain a smile from the cashier if they include wine, grapes or just about any kind of fruit other than bananas. Avoid vegetables such as cucumbers, long neck squash, and sweet potatoes, especially if you have a need to purchase vegetable spray. Never buy a decorative gord with your condom purchase, even at Holloween.

Chocolate is a nice combined buy with condoms. But don't expect your cashier to hold back a smile if it is the squeeze bottle kind. Buying Whipped Cream in the can gets the same reaction so go ahead, buy the bottle of cherries.

Making the modest purchase of a six pack or bottle of wine is quite acceptable. However, a case of wine or keg of beer can cause talk.

Kitchen items should be considered carefully. Wooden spoons and spatulas do not seem to get much notice but leave the turkey baster for another time. Hot pads are alright but the gloved kind will draw some attention. Buying a timer now could cause some discomfort on your spouses part.

Cleaning items really should be saved for another visit, but if you must, avoid brillo pads, whisk brooms, squeegies and vaccum bags. Certainly don't buy vaccum attachments.

Don't make a paint purchase now. One time my husband arrived at the check out with a box of condoms and a large paint brush. Thinking that this might look odd he went back and retrieved a roll of duck tape. He still regrets his choice.

Office supply buys just don't add up with a condom purchase. Forget buying calculators, note pads, marker pens, tape or rulers. Leave the stapler for another time!

Lawn furniture is alright if you don't make the mistake of asking if it is strong enough to hold two people. Kid's toys are also OK, but again, don't ask.

Never buy rope when purchasing condoms. Such a slip could cause the cashier to have to make a written report at the end of their shift.

One last piece of important advice. Always be sure the box of condoms that you choose has a clearly marked price on it. More than one modest purchaser has had to endure the price check made over the store's loud speaker system.

P.S. My darling husband reminds me a hardware purchase made in combination with condoms is the most risky. It is always best to make a separate trip for hammers, pliers, nails, screws, clamps and electric tools.

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky you cow".

The stewardess, somewhat flustered brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: " I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow go and get it or I'll give you a slap!"

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!!".