KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

- must understand that casual clothes are sometimes better than smart

- like to dress sexy and or cute

- always smell delicious

- have a killer smile that makes me smile when she does

- like to be sporty esp water sports

- enjoy camping out and the outdoors

- like gadgets

- get a thrill from driving fast in sports cars

- like sports cars and superbikes

- like to go on holidays to different and Hot places and have a sense of adventure when she gets there

- understand that working late occasionally makes more money

- only VERY few drugs are good once in a while

- have some friends that are cool too

- like to plan holidays with me and remind me when I forget.

- like to tan

- like to drink with me and friends

- enjoy me grabbing her end pulling her close

- like to hug me

- be confident and not shy of friends

- enjoy kissing softy

- get tearful in sad movies

- enjoy young kids and get upset when they're upset

- have an awesome memory and be a bright too

- enjoy dancing

- like to take weekend breaks with me.

- be generally sweet and kind

- enjoy turning me on

- back me up when I'm having arguments

- laugh with me when we're having arguments

- enjoy lots of different music and like it played loud

- be able to say sorry and accept it when I do

- enjoy success and getting there with me

- like horse-riding

- take the lead in loving

- eat chocolates and pizzas

- get jealous of other woman

- know that being rich without having a good time is not worth it

Federal Judge: This seems a fairly simple problem. Lets not make a federal case out of it.

A: I remember my father-in-law calling me once and saying that Estelle was disoriented.
Q: That was prior to his death?
A: Well it had to be if he called me.
Q: That was prior--
A: Or it was a mighty long-distance call

Court: what is your occupation?
Defendant: I am a thief.
Court: And how do you get along when you are not working at your usual occupation?
Defendant: I am usually in prison. Q: As an officer of the Dodge City Police Department did you stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
A: Yes sir. Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time you stopped it?

Q: Have you ever tried to commit suicide?
A: yes sir.
Q: Were you ever successful?
A: no sir.

Q: Your complaint alleges that you have had problems with concentration since the accident. Does that condition continue today?
A: No, I take a stool softener now.

Q: And what did you see when [the accused] pulled down his pants?
A: It looked like a penis, only smaller. *teehee*

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be 3 months on Nov. 8th.
Q: Apparently, then the date of conception was Aug. 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding restraints on her not to, gone also,would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Mr Brooks: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Judge: Any suggestions of what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: When was the next occasion you had difficulty with your wife?
A: April 27th, I believe it was,when she backed over me with the car.

Q: Can you describe that individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was he male or female?

A: I personally would not want that anesthesiologist anesthetizing my wife for a C-section.
Q: Even if your baby, you my wifes uterus.

Q: Did he ever kill you before?
A: Pardon me?

Court: To the charge of driving while intoxicated, how do you plead?
Defendant: Drunk

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs 5 miles a day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really suntanned all over except his penis. So he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There is no justice in this world". The other little lady says, "What do you mean?" The first little old lady says, "Look at that !!!"

"When I was 10 years years old , I was afraid of it. When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it. When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it. When I was 40 years old, I asked for it. When I was 50 years old, I paid for it. When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it. When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild!"

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 PM

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience

You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".

You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.

Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.

You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

You're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility.

Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, has dark eyes, dark, wavy hair, a beautiful smile, athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, and is great with the children."

The next-door neighbor blurted out, "What are you talking about? Your husband is 56 years old, 5 foot 4, fat, bald, has a foul mouth, body odor, no front teeth and he beats the crap out of your children." The wife shot back, "OK, so you're right...

but who the hell wants HIM back?"

Fred and Edith were living in the Old Folks Home. One day, Fred says to Edith, "Hey, Edith! You wanna go for a boat ride?" Edith says, "Sure!"

So, there they were paddling along... and they come to a fork in the river. Fred says, pointing to the left and then to the right, "Edith... up or down?" Edith says, "What??" Fred, again, pointing to the left and then to the right, says "Up... or down?" Well, Edith starts RIPPING her clothes off, then rips the clothes right off of Fred's back and starts screwing the hell out of him! When they're finished, Fred rows back to the Old Folks Home *extremely* happy.

The next week, Fred says "Edith (wink, wink) wanna go for a boat ride? (wink, wink)" Edith says, "Why, sure!" So, there they go, Fred paddling like a madman, trying to reach the fork in the river. They reach the fork and Fred turns anxiously to Edith and says, "Edith! Up or down!?" Edith looks at the fork in the river and says, "Oh... up, I guess." Fred looks at her confused and repeats, "Edith... UP or DOWN?" Edith, again looks at the fork and repeats, "UP." Fred, looking quite confused says "Edith... what is with you? Last week I said 'up or down' and you tore your clothes off and screwed me like a madwoman!" Edith, shocked says: "Is THAT what you said? UP or DOWN? Omigosh... my hearing aid was in the shop getting fixed last week... I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown'!"

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh Gosh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.