KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, `what the heck, it`s only one night` and share the bed.

The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off." The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"

The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn`t have that dream. I thought I was skiing."

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

1. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!"

3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"

8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

9. Fill your car with beer bottles.

10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

11. Tell the Registar that you are taking the remedial test.

12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

13. Swear at everybody on the road.

14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

15. Beep your horn at everything.

16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

10. "Enough about depression, let's talk about my abduction by space aliens"

9. "Did Luke and Laura find the "Ice Princess" yet?

8. "Wanna go out for some beers?"

7. "I know you didn't ask for one, but I brought you a stool sample."

6. "Boy, that Paxil makes me sleepy, I've had to cut back to one quart of vodka a day."

5. "I've been getting these intense cravings for human blood, is that normal?"

4. "You know, that Jeffery Dahmer wasn't such a bad guy."

3. "While I'm here, would you mind having a look at my hemmoroids?"

2. "Is that a hair-piece?"

And the Number One Thing to say to wake up your shrink: (Drum roll please...)

1. "Is that diploma real?"

Three salesmen were driving cross country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby. He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn't be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night,on one condition..."Don't draw attention to my son, he's very sensitive because he was born without any ears." After agreeing to his wishes the salesmen spent the night with the farmer. The next morning at the breakfast table the son noticed that the salesmen were staring at him. "What are you looking at?", he demanded. The first salesman replied, "I was looking at your beautiful smile, it's important to take care of your teeth so you don't have to wear dentures." The second salesman said, "I was looking at your thick curly hair, it's important to take care of your hair so you don't go bald and have to wear a wig." The third said, "I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it's important to take care of your eyes,...Lord knows you can't wear glasses."

Help for Single (and Spineless) Guys written by a guy

If you're like me, you probably date quite a bit, and also like me, you find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating process. After a second or perhaps third date that we know didn't go at all well, the closest we ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." Of course, we have no intention of calling her and we may even feel a slight twinge of guilt. But I have discovered a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now.

E-mail.

That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard.

And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?

I have drafted the enclosed Email rejection letter and invite you to use it the next time you need to put your main squeeze on waivers.

The text of the letter follows. Hope it comes in handy.

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated your previous boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions about your mental state.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)

16 Every time she cuts her 8am class, CNN switches to a live feed from the lecture hall.

15 PoliSci textbook only contains pictures from her "dumpy" years.

14 Social life hampered by mandatory Secret Service body cavity search of potential dates.

13 No room in dorm for all those boxes of missing Whitewater documents.

12 Daddy won't sign the Cafeteria Food Reform Bill.

11 No one wants to waste good pot on a Clinton.

10 Steamy makeout sessions usually end with the guy getting his ass kicked by the Secret Service.

9 Tipper no longer around to clean up after her and Socks.

8 Every boy who hits on you winds up on a "peacekeeping force" in Bosnia within 48 hours.

7 Constant comparisons to notable Stanford alum Ted Koppel usually refer to physical resemblance.

6 Bourbon shots not free like the ones "Uncle Ted" serves back home.

5 Drunken frat boys always confusing her with Amy Carter.

4 Football coach keeps begging her to get Janet Reno to enroll.

3 RA's write you up if the Chinese Delegates stay past midnight.

2 Anatomy lab cadaver none other than Al Gore.

and the Number 1 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeve About College...

1 The man makes 200 grand a year -- you'd think he could bring his own weed when he visits.

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said...

"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."

A man and his son went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when the son says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, Daddy, she's fat" The man notices the lady but politely tells his son, "That's not a nice thing to say." The son continued to stare and point and then said, "No Daddy, she's REALLY fat." The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and quit saying those things." Just then the lady's beeper went off and the son said, "Watch out Dad, she's backing up."

Sam and Dave are camping in the wilderness. Sam turns and notices a bear about a mile behind them. They decide to pick up the pace a bit. However, it soon becomes apparent that the bear is following them, in fact the bear has broken into a run.

Sam quickly removes his backpack and rummages through it. Astonished, Dave asks what he's doing. Sam replies that he is going to remove his hiking boots and put on running shoes.

"Are you crazy?, you'll never out run a bear by wearing running shoes" says Dave. Sam replies," I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."