| 2241. Things Noted On REAL Resumes
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: 2242. Two Statues For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head." 2243. The New Rooster An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy." So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. the race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster slightly ahead in the lead, he immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." 2244. BUG BARBECUE JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (CNN) -- Bugs were on exhibit and on the menu at the Johannesburg Zoo's bug-fest. The zoo's insect week ended Sunday with a bug barbecue, including roast cockroaches, chocolate-coated locusts and deep-fried termites. And for the gourmet, there were juicy African mopane worms, boiled in garlic and wine and served in an omelet topped with cheese. It took courage for many people to take that first bite, while some just couldn't get enough. Mopane worms are eaten in South Africa's rural areas, where women harvest them from trees, then boil and dry them. The worms are sold at bus stops by the tin cupful. The exhibition was held to explain the wonders of the insect world to school children. The children learned about the role insects play in the environment, including their importance to non-human predators. The Associated Press contributed to this report. 2245. Shhhh! The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered, "Hello?". Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.". Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No.". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he is busy.", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?". " A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!". Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?". Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!". 2246. Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone by Matt Groening (the creator of "The Simpsons")
HANDWRITING:
NICKNAMES:
EATING OUT:
BATHROOMS:
GROCERIES:
SHOES:
CATS:
OFFSPRING:
DRESSING UP:
LAUNDRY:
WEDDINGS:
Copyright (C) 1997 John Berger 2247. Deductive Reasoning Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." Neighbor 1: "Yes, it is, and people around here seem extremely friendly" Man: "So what is it you do for a living?" Neighbor 1: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning" Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a doghouse out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Man: "That is right." Neighbor 1: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family." Man: "Right again." Neighbor 1: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife." Man: "Correct." Neighbor 1: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual." Man: "Yep." Neighbor 1: "That is deductive reasoning." Man: "Cool." Later that same day... Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door." Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?" Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job." Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?" Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University." Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor 2: "No." Man: "Fag." 2248. What Are You Thinking? -- by John Scalzi The question this time, from the men's side of the table: what should you do when the women you're with asks you: "What are you thinking?" Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico. Regardless of what you're doing, you must come up with a complete and satisfactory answer, or stand accused of Hiding Your True Feelings. Which means, of course, you'll spend the next week pretending to be sorry. So you've got to come up with something. And it had better be good. Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what we're thinking? Simple: They assume we're thinking in the first place. Hard to believe, but there it is. Why on earth would they think that? Well, go up to a woman and ask her what she is thinking. I have just done so with my wife, and this is what she is thinking about: "Off the top of my head, I'm thinking about the party we're having Saturday, and how I'm going to fix that chandelier in the front room so that people can walk around without hitting their heads. Underneath that I'm thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not I'm going to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as well. And under that I'm wondering if it's too late to get tickets on a plane to Ohio for Christmas. AND I'm thinking about getting a snack." Not only is she thinking about something, she's thinking about four separate things. If I check back in five minutes, she'll still be thinking. Women are always thinking, and often about practical things. Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out of every hour (usually not in sequence). So, at best, you have a one in 12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought. What are we thinking about?
1. Sex In summary, randomly asking a man what he's thinking has precisely a 8.83% chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought. You might as well bet on the New York Jets. Sound harsh, guys? Fine. Quick -- what are you thinking? Had to think about it, didn't you. You lose. Sit down. Despite the overwhelming evidence that men, in fact, are almost never thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts. In a way, it's touching; women are expressing faith that, if prodded long enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we think in an hour. And they will. Unfortunately, most of what we'll be thinking is "stop asking me what I'm thinking." And that's just going to get us in trouble. The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorized answer for the times that she does. Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and cons of each: "I'm thinking that tonight it'd be nice to stay at home and sit by the fire together."
Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if you're spontaneous. "I'm thinking how much I love you."
Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuitsany need for further conversation; Is often also true. "I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets."
Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker. "I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of animal I'd be."
Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying
to establish your place in the animal kingdom. "I'm just thinking about how true the lyrics to 'Dust in the Wind' really are."
Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall
conversation, you may break out into song. Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual thought. If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go ahead and share it, as long as it's not something along the lines of "This relationship blows" or "I really like margarine". With a little practice, you should come out okay. But, hey. That's just what I think. (John Scalzi is a writer and editor for America Online. His wife almost never asks him what he is thinking. He can't decide if this is a good or bad thing.) 2249. Bet ya didn't know that.... Rene Descartes came up with the theory of coordinate geometry by looking at a fly walk across a tiled ceiling. [Kids all over the world regret that the 'No Pest Strip' wasn't invented earlier] If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. [If all four legs were off the ground, the statue would fall] Ballroom dancing is a major at Brigham Young University. [Think of the career opportunities] Some biblical scholars believe that Aramaic (the language of the ancient Bible) did not contain an easy way to say "many things" and used a term which has come down to us as 40. This means that when the bible -- in many places -- refers to "40 days," they meant many days. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. [But, if my wife has 10 cards...] Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 year later. [Is it too late to sign my John Hancock?] "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. [It was recently replaced by "Yo!"] The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." The original story from Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy." [This will come as a shock to Disney fans] Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston. The 'y' in signs reading "ye olde.." is properly pronounced with a 'th' sound, not 'y'. The "th" sound does not exist in Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England use the rune "thorn" to represent "th" sounds. With the advent of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet which closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y". The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." [This is stage 2 of an Eskimo greeting... stage 3 often produces little Eskimos] The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. [A number you don't want to see on your phone bill] The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. The little bags of netting for gas lanterns (called 'mantles') are radioactive--so much so that they will set off an alarm at a nuclear reactor. [Why would one carry a gas lantern into a nuclear reactor?] Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. [Bugs Bunny was allergic to Mel Blanc] Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power factor of about 32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than a 5! Though it goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tetonic destruction (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.) Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator. [The translator was an amimal rights activist] It was the left shoe that Aschenputtel (Cinderella) lost at the stairway, when the prince tried to follow her. [It was originally the right, but the translator screwed up again] Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize *this* was the day of the changeover. [The translator probably suggested rush hour] Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice." In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott". [And McKoy never said, "He's ALIVE, Jim!!"] Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. [Some people just make an ass of themselves] The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life." The flag of the Philippines is the only national flag that is flown differently during times of peace or war. A portion of the flag is blue, while the other is red. The blue portion is flown on top in time of peace and the red portion is flown in war time. It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. [Your space dollars, working for a better life] Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute. The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him. Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk. If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation. [A reassuring thought] Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike. [They don't like their meat well-done] The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified is to poke someone's eye out. [A practice you would not want to experience twice] Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. [Presumably he's a street preacher] Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of England. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. [Hopefully not while driving] Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living. [And some frogs turn into handsome princes when kissed] The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth. [She was also 4" long and covered with chocolate] Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Steve Young, the San Francisco 49ers quarterback, is the great-great-grandson of Mormon leader Brigham Young. [Although Brigham never made the pros] Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen. [And credit cards aren't made of credit, or cards] Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. [But if you lick Madonna's stamp, it licks you back] 2250. THE MONKEY'S DISGRACE
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
"No monkey has ever deserted his wife
"Here's another thing a monkey won't do |