KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Guy's wife gets terrible sick and can't hardly walk, so he finally convinces their family doctor to make a house call. The doctor shows up with the traditional black bag and goes to the wife's room. A few minutes later he comes out and asks for a screwdriver, goes back into room. Five minutes later, asks for a pair of pliers and goes back into room. Ten minutes later, asks for a hammer and chisel. The husband is freaking out by now.
"My, doctor !! What's wrong with her ??" he finally asks.
"Beats me," says the doc. "I'm still trying to get my damn bag open; damn thing's rusted shut."

* Has anyone else but me wondered why the scale in the doctor's office is always 5-10 pounds heavier that the one we have at home ?
* You wantta talk about ethical problems ? What about the heart surgeon who had to do risky by-pass surgery on a malpractice attorney ?
* Doctors these days are just getting way too specialized. This guy I know has a real bad sinus infection. When it went to his throat, he had to change doctors.
* Patient: "Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer ?"
Doctor: "Not really. It will just seem longer."
* Nurse: "Doctor, should I file my nails ?"
Doctor: "No, throw them away like everybody else."
* Doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed "Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're even pronouncing it correctly."
* Patient: "Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent ?"
Doctor: "Yes there is... being young and broke."
* A physician here has discovered a sure cure for nervousness in women.
He tells them that it's a sign of old age.
*When the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."
* A doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice fleas are really "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
* Nurse: "Someone on the phone wants to know if you make 'house calls' -- whatever that is."
* Woman in doctor's waiting room to another patient: "BOY ! Have I got a symptom to throw at him !!!"
* Nurse to Doctor: "Better take a tranquilizer. Miss 40-24-35 is here for her annual physical."

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah.
The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment."
The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair ?"

Then there was the newly promoted Army Captain who promptly had his female Quartermaster on the carpet because she forgot to include a sofa in his office.

"I'm telling you Jody, I've never been happier" said the one recruit to the other. "I have two Drill Sergeants madly in love with me. One is just fabulous -- handsome, sensitive, caring and considerate. "What in the world would ya need the 2nd Sgt for ?" Jody asked. "Oh," Carol replied, "Well, Sgt. James is both straight and single."

Tracy, a new recruit, was complaining about her recent date with a Drill Sergeant. "He called me a slut" she said, tears in her eyes. "That's terrible ! What did you do ?" asked her fellow recruit. "Well, I told him to get the hell outta the motel room, and ... to take all his buddies with him."

The Army still doesn't understand how to conduct a decent scandal. They don't even have a cool/catchy name for the incident as yet.

Hell, even the Navy, several years ago, had the good sense to use the double entendre "Tailhook" for theirs.

The Army did take a major step in deciding to keep their hotline for filing sexual harassment complaints open. They even went so far as to hire a director/relations specialist; unfortunately, they selected former US Senator Bob Packwood to fill the position.

Personally, I think the Army is over-reacting to the recent sex scandal. There's a story going around that some of the Chaplains are advising the recruits to: "Just pray to God, She'll help you."

I thought this was just so much talk, but recently I really began to wonder if it weren't true. The other day, I pulled into a Base service station where a big strapping young man approached my vehicle and said, "Fill him up ?"

You have to give the Base Commander at Aberdeen credit though for responding quickly to charges of widespread fraternization between Officers and recruits by issuing a directive to all personnel that such conduct was strictly against all regulations. The memo was signed personally by the Commander, and co-signed by his aide, a Pvt. Lolita "Bootsie" DeCamp.

do put on nail polish; they just never remove it buy their husbands matching screwdrivers, but use them more than he does examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between contractions get narcotics in labor, not for pain, but to stop them from taking monitors apart don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of efficiency buy convertibles so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras before buying them only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in are excited at their first period since they can use the biometric viscosity measurer carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same time fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when doing counted cross stitch keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even during labor view having a baby as an opportunity to study biomedical & structural engineering cinch their biking skirts with cable ties read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box make cantilevered birthday cakes, but no documentation on how to cut them never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to, but they can't! nurse and use the CAD at the same time; lulling the baby w/the keyboard clacking

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

A young lawyer, with her first big case, held forth to the jury for over an hour during her summation, straying far from the point or even the facts of the case.
When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, "I'll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument."

Sometimes lawyers, like all of us, get caught up in the moment. A young attorney was defending a man named in a paternity suit. The woman involved in the case had taken the stand, and he was cross-examining her.
"Do you know how pregnant you are right now ?"
"I will be approximately three months on November 8."
"So the date of conception was apparently somewhere around August 8 ?"
"Yes, I believe so."
"What exactly were you and Mr. Smith doing at the time ?"

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the Railroad to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The Judge believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the opposing lawyer said to the engineer when it was over.
"You did superbly under my cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but you sure had me worried."
"How's that ?" the lawyer asked.
"I was so afraid you was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit !"

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded.
"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you no doubt want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"Heavens, no !" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel all guilty and depressed afterwards."

A doctor went on vacation and left his Nurse in charge of the office. When he returned, he asked how everything had gone, and if there were any problems.
The Nurse said, "Well, that nice Mrs. Green came in and was really suffering from her stomach pains again. So I referred her to that new gastroenterologist in town."
The doctor fumed, "Why you big dummy. Mrs. Green's stomach has been paying your salary for ten years now!"