KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The marines were having inspection and as the Captain moved on down the line he would check the toughness of each man. The first man he slapped in the face with his swagger stick, "Did that hurt?" asked the officer.

"NO SIR", was the reply.

"Why?" asked the captain.

"BECAUSE I AM MARINE, SIR!"

The captain continued down the line, striking each man in various parts of the body when he comes upon a man with a large penis protruding from between his legs. The captain promptly whacks it with his swagger stick.

"Did that hurt, Marine???" demanded the Captain.

"NO SIR", shouted the Marine.

"Why not??"

"BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE MAN BEHIND ME, SIR!"

An airline passenger with three pieces of luggage walks up to the baggage check-in counter at a busy eastern US airport.

"I'd like this one to go to Anchorage, this second one goes to Dallas, and I'll take this third one with me to Los Angeles," he says.

"I'm sorry, sir," says the clerk, "but we can't do that."

"Why not?" says the passenger. "You did it last time I flew on this airline!"

London, England -- The airline Virgin Atlantic plans to install bedrooms complete with showers, Jacuzzis and double beds in its 747 jumbos to encourage travelers to join the "Mile High Club," a report said Wednesday.

Ten to 12 rooms will be installed in the hold of airplanes and be accessed by a staircase from the main cabin, the Sun newspaper said.

The price of a trip from London to New York would be around 2,900 pounds ($4,600).

"You can do it on cruise ships and trains, why not on a plane? Passengers will find it comfy and romantic," airline boss Richard Branson was quoted as saying.

The paper said Branson also plans a Kiddie Class, where airline nannies and clowns will entertain children.

WhiteBoard News for Wednesday, May 21, 1997

Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his eyesight.

"I can't play with my glasses on because they keep falling off," he said. "And I'm too darn nearsighted to play without them."

"Why don't you play with Hughes?" the clubhouse man suggested.

"Him?" Woodruff scoffed. "He's ninety-eight if he's a day, and he can't get around without a wheelchair!"

"True," said the clubhouse man, "but he's farsighted."

So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. "Boy, that felt good!" he exclaimed. "Did you see it?" he asked Hughes.

"Yes," the very old man replied.

"Where did it go?"

"I can't remember," Hughes sighed.

Two guys, drunken as hell, stumble into in each other on the way home. First one mutters to the other "You ok"
Other replies, "yes hey didn't I meet you in The choad and croak"
To which the first guy replies "nope"
The other guys then says " oh right, must have been two other guys"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention....."

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6. No warm blood for miles around DC.

5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2 Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

1 Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

What's your sign? How many of you does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!