KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.
"well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidently mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note the young man sent to his sweeheart.

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the longs ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing, and be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them on Friday night.

All my love,
Hollingsworth.

P.S. They latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.

"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."

"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."

"Had to," he replied, "I caught him using marked cards!"

Two women, who were dog owners, were arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know.

First woman: How?

Second woman: My dog told me.

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."

A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said: "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.

"This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He *can* talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June. Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

"Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

A young man was invited to dinner for the first time at his girlfriend's house. He's very nervous about meeting her family and standing up to their scrutiny, to the point of developing severe stomach cramps.

By the time he sits down to dinner, his stomach is belching gas like a volcano.

Beneath the table, the family dog is crouched near him. Finally the young man can endure it no longer.

He breaks wind.

Immediately the mother scolds the dog: "Spot, get away from the table!"

The dog skulks off to the corner of the room, his ears tucked down, disconsolate. The young man is relieved that the dog has gotten the blame.

A bit later, after the dog has scrabbled slowly way back, the scene is repeated.

Again the dog gets the blame. "Spot!" the mother shouts, "Get away from the table!"

By the time the meal is nearly finished, the scene is replayed yet a third time.

This time the mother jumps ups and shouts, "Spot! Get away from the table before this horrid man shits on you!"

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."