KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

How can you tell that soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until the next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
They don't know, it's never happened.

Okay kids, here's some nice little euphamisms for sheathing the broadsword, so use them at your own discression... =)
This list of slogans was compiled in Waukegan, Illinois to raise condom consciousness and to encourage the use of condoms in safe sex.

1) Cover your stump before you hump.

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

3) Don't be silly, protect your willy.

4) When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

6) You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

7) If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8) If you think she is spunky, cover your monkey.

9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

10) If you slip between the thighs, be sure to condomize.

11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

12) If you go into heat, package your meat.

13) While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.

14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your trouser mouse.

15) Especially in December, gift-wrap your member.

16) Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17) Don't be a fool: Vulcanize your tool.

18) The right selection: Check your erection.

19) Wrap in foil before checking her oil.

20) A crank in armor will never harm her.

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes,

jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless:

The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"

The next night she came home with a mink coat.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!!
Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"

His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.
The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"
The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your bingo card"

So they eat the pudding. They open up the second Safe and there stands more vanilla pudding, they eat this too. This process goes on for the rest of the safes.

They get out all stuffed. And they say "At least we were able to eat."

Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people"

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel.

When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.

After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years... I wonder how the girls are doing?"

A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.

B is for BULLSHIT, which is what he was full of.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.
D is also for "Damn the bad luck" which is what I have in Dating men.

E is for everything he said we'd do, everything he said he was, and everything he's not.
E is also for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for faithful, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.

G is for GOD the one he thought he was and wanted to be worshipped as.
G is also for the spot he could never find! (Thanks Steve for that one)

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for Impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
I is also for the inbreeding that occured in his podunk family.

J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.

K is for Key, the one that made the lovely designs on his truck.
K is also for Kick in the balls which is what I'm gonna give him if I see him again.

L is for Love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH (he drank an awful lot).

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasm he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.

R is also for the ring that he can't afford and will never buy.

S is for the sugar they found in his gas tank.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is for umbilical cord which was never severed when his mother gave birth.
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him. Pins are inserted of course.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now!!!!

Y is for why the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z is for the zoloft that I had to start taking.

. is for period, which is a good excuse that comes in handy once a month.

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: {extreme look of shock}
Cowboy: " Is this Indian your owner?" {pointing at Indian}
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: {look of disbelief}
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: {extreme look of shock}
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? "{pointing at Indian}
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: {total look of amazement}
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie."

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a whorehouse..
9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
2. Pretend to eat your arm.
1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

............TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-d
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at alL
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts,boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor.

"No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down," she says.

"Ah" says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery." "How nice," says Liz. "Thank you - what a nice thought."

"The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations - she is to be trusted."

"What a beautiful thought, from such a humble person -I'm really touched," says Liz.

"But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.

"Oh", says the doctor, "That's from Evander Holyfield -- thanking you for his new ears!!!"