KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes" he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" "From my nose," the drunk replied.

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.
"I am the pharmacist," she informed him.
"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.
"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?"
"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?
"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister." she informed him.
About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says" well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million bucks". Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

A married couple retire to their hotel room on their wedding night. The man, who is much larger than the petite woman, takes off his pants and throws them over to his wife, saying "Put these on."
The woman replies "but they are too big for me..."
"put them on anyway "
She puts them on, they fall down, and she says "I can't fit into these..."
He Replies "That's right, now just remember who wears the pants in this family"
The woman then takes off her panties and throws them over to her husband, saying "Put these on."
He looks at them and says "I can't get into these..."
She replies "Yes, that's right. And you won't be able to in the future unless you change your attitude!"

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.
"Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."
"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out. In front of them is a really fat woman. Little boy looks her over and turns to his day and says: "She is really big and fat isn't she daddy?"
The father is embarrased and tries to get son to quieten down. In a few mintues the little boy yells out: "She is the biggest woman I have ever seen!" The father is embarrased to tears and bends over and tell his son: "We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don't do it again."

The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman's beeper went off. He then yelled: "Look out daddy, she is backing up!"

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."