| 841. GOOD * BAD * WORSE
Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie.
Good: Your son's interested in school.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kid
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Good: Your wife sez you can go hunting all you want.
Good: Your wife is helping bring in income.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Good: The postman's early.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Good: You finally get a nite out.
Good: Your husband's exercising and dieting.
Good: Your child's waiting for "Mr. Right".
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Good: Your wife loves outdoor sex.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Good: Your wife's kinky. 842. Hot dog
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They
only had a dollar in change between them. 843. Married Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. BARTENDER: I think you've had enough, sir. DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy! BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife.... DRUNK: It was almost impossible! I met Callahan on the street yesterday. He looked terrible, all beat up. "What happened to you?" I asked, "I thought you were living the life of Riley." He replied, "I was, but he came home unexpectedly." This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig." A man yells to his wife, "Pack your bags. I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!" A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!" Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep. As was common, they got into a nasty quarrel at breakfast. "You're not good in bed, either!" yelled the husband as he stormed out to work. Around lunch time, he had cooled off and decided to apologize, so he called home. After many rings, his wife answered. "What took you so long?" he yelled as his temperate began to rise again. "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed?" "Getting a second opinion." Ever since they got married, the wife has had a padlocked chest by the foot of their bed. Despite his pleadings from time to time, she never revealed the contents to him. Finally, on their silver anniversary, the wife agreed to let him see the contents. He watched steadfastly as she unlocked the chest and opened the lid. Inside were two ears of corn and twenty-five thousand dollars. He looked at the chest and looked at his wife. His wife said, "It is like this. Every time I cheated on you, I put in an ear of corn." He was surprised to learn she has been unfaithful. But twice in twenty-five years wasn't that bad, so he smiled and asked, "What about the money?" "Well, every time I reached a bushel, I sold it." Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't. The husband bought his frigid wife a big tube of K-Y jelly and told her, "This will make you happy." It did. She put it on the bedroom doorknob after he went out. Marriage is grand, divorce is about 10 grand. 844. Eyeopeners Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all? A: They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. ADAM TO EVE: Hey! I wear the plants in this family! Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish... Did you hear about the bachelor who put on a pair of clean socks every day? At the end of the week he couldn't get his shoes on. HER: Do you know whatever happened to the couple who met in the revolving door? HIM: I think they're still going around together. MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married? A: Newlywebs. Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring. Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and an expert at making breakfast. Q: What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady? A: You can't unsrew a pregnant lady! ;)
TRUE LOVE: Three words guaranteed to destroy any man's ego: "Is it In?" The three words most hated by men (after "Is it in?): Are you done? Three words women hate to hear when having sex... "Honey, I'm home!" Do you know what they call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? -A widow. A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year." Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster. 845. An Irishman declares war! Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!" 846. How... How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is about the same, but the dishes pile up. 847. What's... What's the difference between a terrorist and a women with PMS? - You can negotiate with a terrorist!! 848. What do... What do Johnny Cochrane and Heidi Fleiss have in common? They both charge a lot but eventually they get you off 849. What's... What is the German word for constipation? FarFromPoopen 850. Men do Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. |