| 851. Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions; most were from fifth- and sixth-graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop." Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. - You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. - When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. - When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. - While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. - Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. - A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. - Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. - Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. - Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. - We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. - I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. - In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O. - Rain is saved up in cloud banks. - Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. - Thunder is a rich source of loudness. - Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. - It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places. 852. The best car available A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast! The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out and, jeezus to betsy, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks"You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "yeah. Unhook my suspenders from theside-view mirror on your car!" 853. Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. GROWING OLD GRACEFULLY: My wife is just as beautiful as when I married her 20 years ago. Now it just takes her longer. Courtship: Is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog. Marriage: Is what actually comes up in your garden.
Success is getting what you want. The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're standing on. The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once.. Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment. A true music lover is a man who puts his ear to the key hole to listen to a beautiful woman singing in the tub. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others. There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy institution of marriage. Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it. Our real world dictionary defines a pessimist as an optimist with experience. My marriage is a continuous process of getting used to things I hadn't expected.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. What's the difference between a vision and a sight? -When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning she's a sight. My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Q: Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?
Cosmetics: A womans' means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Q: What's the best way to get a youthful figure?
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies. 854. MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN
Everyday I give thanks to God
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Let me tell you ladies
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
855. Punish for doing nothing A high school student asked his teacher if a person should be punish for something he hadn't done."No," said the teacher. "Of course not," "Good." said the boy. "I haven't done my homework. 856. Why...
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him? 857. Lonely
Teacher: I asked all of the dumbells to stand, and you're the only one who
did, Joe. Are you a dumbell? 858. Condoms A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms. The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5.00 with the tax." "Tacks", the guy exclaims, "I thought you rolled them on!" 859. Limp
"Doctor, my husband limps because his left leg is an inch shorter than his right leg. What would you
do in his case?" 860. Playboy for men who are married Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman. |