KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Kentucky Fried Chicken publicity department comes up with a new way to promote sales. Change the words of the Lord's prayer to read:

"Give us each day our daily CHICKEN..."

They arrange an audience with the pope to propose the change. Naturally the pope is luke-warm to the idea, so to sweeten the deal the Kentucky Fried representative offers to make a large contribution to the catholic church.
The pope once again considers the proposal and rejects it. The Kentucky Fried rep now proposes to feed the starving millions and make an even larger contribution to the church. Now the pope is interested but that he must get the approval of the Vatican council first.

So at the next meeting of the bishops the pope starts off the meeting:
"I have some good news, and some bad news."
"The bad news is that we will be losing the Wonder Bread account....."

Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fuzz was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."

They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"

Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"

AQUARIUS: January 20 - February 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, which causes you to make the same mistake over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES: February 19 - March 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting it at peers. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do horrible things to small animals.

ARIES: March 21 - April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS: April 20 - May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are a communist.

GEMINI: May 21 - June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

CANCER June 21 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You're always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.

LEO: July 23 - August 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are known thieves.

VIRGO: August 23 - September 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA: September 23 - October 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women make good prostitutes. All Libra die of veneral disease.

SCORPIO: October 23 - November 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITARIUS: November 22 - December 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN: December 23 - January 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been born a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to root.

Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?
A: Put a windshield in front of him.

A businessman called home, at noon one day, but the maid answered. When the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's upstairs in the bedroom entertaining her boyfriend". After sputtering and fuming for a minute, the businessman asked, the maid if she would like to make $100,000 for a few minutes work, she said. "Of course, what do I have to do?", He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot the both of them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs, then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps back downstairs to the phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?"
The man said, "Take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this 555-3724?"

There were two young brothers talking in their backyard waiting for their mother to make them lunch. One is four the other is three.

4: "I'm getting pretty old now, I think I can start cussing."
3: "Oh yeah?"
4: "Yeah, I think I am going to start saying 'damn' whenever I feel like it."
3: "You know what?"
4: "What?"
3: "I think I am getting pretty old, I'm going to start cussing too."
4: "Oh yeah? what are you going to say?"
3: "I'm going to say 'ass'"

Then their mother calls them in for lunch.

The mother asks the four year old: "What do you want for lunch?"
4: "Oh, damn, I think I'll have some spaghetti-o's"

At this point, the mother was aghast. She quickly took the four year old by the ear to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, spanked him and put him in his room and slammed the door.

She returned to the kitchen and asked the three year old: "What do you want for lunch?"

3: "I don't know mom, but you can bet your ass it wont be spaghetti-o's!!!'

During his visit to the US pope John Paul II had a meeting with a senator.

The senator asked the pope, "Your Holiness, how do you find our country?"

The pope replied "I love it! It's a wonderful country! Friendly people, blessed with an abundance of natural resources..." and so on and so forth.

The senator continued, "Is there anything about our country that you *don't* like? I am, after all a United States senator, and maybe I could change some things."

The pope thought a while, and said "Now that you mention it, there are two things about your country that I do not like".

The senator asked, "What are they? Maybe I can help."

The pope answered, "The first thing I don't like about your country is the large number of Polish jokes told. They make my countrymen out to be a bunch of idiots!"

The senator said, "I have a solution for that! When I get back to Washington, I'll get together with some of my Senate colleagues and we'll pass a bill, which I'm sure will become law, that will make it a Federal crime to tell a Polish joke, and anyone caught telling a Polish joke will be fined fifty dollars. How do you like that?"

The pope replied "Great idea! I love it!"

The senator asked "Now why don't you tell me the second thing you don't like about the US? Maybe I can do something about it as well."

The pope answered "M & M's."

The senator, a bit confused, asked "M & M's??? What's not to like about M & M's???"

The Pope replied "They're hard to peel!"

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other:
"I've never come this way before."
Other says: "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."

A whole bunch of guys are hanging out in their usual bar after work one day when this very attractive woman walks in and sits down right in the midst of them. After about two minutes of amazed looks one of the men manages to ask the woman her name.
"Don't you recognize me guys? It's me, Bernie. I had a sex change!"
Well, the men are all amazed at how their old drinking buddy, Bernie, looks with all his new equipment. So they buy some more drinks and get to talking about old times with Bernie/Bernice.
After a few hours, the conversation rolls around to the subject of Bernice's operation.
So one of the guys says,"Tell me Bernice, what was the most painful thing about the operation? Was it when they cut your dick off?"
Bernice says,"No. That was painful, but that wasn't the most painful thing."
So another guy pipes up, "I'll bet I know! I'll bet the worst part was when they cut your balls off, right?"
"No.", Bernice says, "That really hurt too, but that wasn't the worst part either."
Finally, one of the men asks, "Well, just what was the worst, most painful part of the operation that turned you into a woman?"
And Bernice replies, "When they cut my skull open and removed half my brain!"

A slightly drunk man walked into a bar, went up to the bartender, and said, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye!" Noticing the man had had a few to drink, the bartender took him up on it. The drunk then proceded to pop out a glass eyeball, and bite it. The bartender paid, and the man left.

The next day, the man returned, a little drunker than the previous day, and he said to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my left eye!" Knowing that the man couldn't have two glass eyes, the bartender again took him up on it. This time, the man pulled out his false teeth and 'bit' his eye. (Ouch!) The bartender paid up.

The next day, the man came in stone drunk. He went to the bartender and said, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back. I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you can put a shot glass on the other end of the bar, and I can stand on this end (20 feet away) and piss in it, without getting a single drop outside the glass.

The bartender just couldn't pass up the chance to get his $100 back, and the guy was very drunk, so he again took the drunk up on his bet. He put the shot glass on the other end of the bar, and the drunk simply pissed all over the bar. The bartender smiled and said, "You lost!" The drunk just smiled and gave him the hundred dollars.

The bartender said, "You're not too unhappy about losing all your money. Why not?" The drunk exclaimed, "Because I just bet this guy at the table $2000 I could piss all over your bar, and you wouldn't care!"