KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

"What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Popeye beat the shit out of him!"

Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at?

Someone had scrawled the following on a wall at a college somewhere:
Is there intelligent life on Earth?

A week or so later someone else tacked on:
Yes, but we're only stopping to refuel.

A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?"
The cop answered: "Ours, I hope."

Q: Why do computers manage to do things so quickly?
Anonymous Secretary: They don't have to answer the phone.

Sang froid is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, and you shoot them both in cold blood.

Savoir faire is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, but you laugh because today is *your* turn with the hamster.

Artery -- The study of fine paintings
Barium -- What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section -- A district in Rome
Colic -- A sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
Dilate -- To live longer
Fester -- Quicker
G. I. Series -- Baseball games between teams of soldiers
Grippe -- A suitcase
Hangnail -- A coat hook
Medical Staff -- A doctor's cane
Minor Operation -- Coal digging
Morbid -- A higher offer
Nitrate -- Lower than the day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Organic -- Musical
Outpatient -- A person who has fainted
Post-operative -- A letter carrier
Protein -- In favor of young people
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Serology -- Study of English knighthood
Tablet -- A small table
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose veins -- veins that are close together

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"