KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Wife: (Seriously ill) Before I die, I want to tell you the truth. You know our 6 children ... the youngest son, he ...
Husband: I know you want to say he is not my son, well that is ok, I can forgive you about that.
Wife: No, he is your son, but the other 5 children are not.

"Ahhhh, Sean," said Micheal McStain, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?"

Sean O'Malley shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."

"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"

"Na, na, Micheal. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

"Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonegan. "Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?"

The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute."

"Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up.

Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the Emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom.

About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told Sean: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left off?"

"Saints!" exclaimed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"

Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.

"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!"

"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer fifteen year."

One day, a young priest in St. John's, Newfoundland, finds himself in the situation of having to hear confessions. He has never done this before, and so he is given a list of what to give out as penance. A woman comes into the confessional and begins: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest replies: "What is your sin, my child?" "I have told lies", she says. The priest consults his list and sees that the required penance is two Hail Mary's. "Anything else, my child?", he says. "Father, I've committed fellatio," she replies. The priest scans the list and panics because he cannot find fellatio! He sticks his head out of the door of the confessional and sees an alter boy passing by. "Quick, what does Father Brown give for fellatio?" he asks. The boy replies: "Ten dollar."

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."

"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.

"O.k.," said the other, "it was the male."

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.

"Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male."

Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.

Q. What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
A. Yoghurt has a real live culture.

Q: What's the difference between 2 Jehova's witnesses and a Lada?
A: You can shut the door on 2 Jehova's witnesses.

On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before."

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Dear Son,
I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast.
There are a few things happening here at home. We don't live where we did when you left -- you're father read in the paper that most car accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because we moved into your cousins old house and they took the numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
The new place has a washing machine! It's in a small room that also has a shower in it. The first day, I put four shirts in. I pressed the lever and I haven't seen them since.
The weather is nice here. It rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.
Remember that coat you wanted me to send you? Well, your aunt said that it would be too heavy to send in the mail, so we cut the buttons off and put them in the pocket.
Monday we got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral ... up she comes ...
Your father has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your brother's wife had a baby this morning. We don't know whether it's a boy or a girl, so we don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat and drowned. We cremated him. He burned for 3 days.
Last week 3 of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving and the other two were riding in the back. The driver rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much else. Write more often.
Love,
Mom

P.S. -- We would have sent money, but the envelope was already sealed.