KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

You have the choice of saving a drowning man or getting a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph. What type of film would you use?

There was a wealthy Jewish (non-Christian) who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.

Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard.

As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails."

The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.

One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read:

"This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"

A senior pilot was explaining his emergency equipment to some cadets touring a US Air Force base. He showed them his parachute, emergency radio, signal mirror and other survival items. A cadet noticed a pack of playing-cards and asked what they were for.

"Oh," replied the pilot, "these are my last resort. If nothing else works and nobody comes to the rescue, I take these, lay out a game of patience and wait. In a few minutes someone will be looking over my shoulder saying, 'No - put that card over there.'"

"Kidnapped in Lebanon!! How many time have I heard THAT excuse!! Do you realize that all but 3 of your students have dropped your classes!?!"

The way things are moving in Europe these days, it appears that very soon there will be just 8 countries in Europe. There will be one United Europe and seven independent Yugoslavian republics.

There once was a little pink lady. She had a little pink house and a little pink dress and a little pink dog. This lady sold avon.
One day the lady was walking down a street selling her avon when she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell.
In this little red house lived a little red man. He was having a bath in his little red bathtub when he heard his little red doorbell ring.
"There goes my doorbell!" he said to himself as he clambered out of his little red bath. He grabbed a little red towel and put it around his waist and walked down his little red stairs to his little red door.
But, when he opened the door, his little red towel slipped and fell off. The little pink lady screamed and ran out across the street. A car coming down the road hit her and she died.

Moral: Never cross the street when the little red man is flashing.

A woman is zipping along the road at a very quick pace (i.e. > 55) and she's pulled over by a cop. As the cop gets out of his car the woman "gets set" for her encounter by unbuttoning her blouse a bit, fixing her hair etc. When the officer gets to her car she says "I know officer, you want me to buy a ticket to the policemen's ball".

The cop answers "No ma'am I'm a state trooper. We have no balls."

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

HOPELESS as trying to pick up salt with a plunger
INTERESTING as watching paint dry
INTERESTING as watching grass grow
OBVIOUS as a dog's dick
POPULAR as Stevie Wonder with a flame thrower
USELESS as a condom to a eunuch
WELCOME as a turd in a swimming pool
WELCOME as a pork sausage at a barmitzvah
SHARP as a bowling ball

He: "Your birthday is coming up, so i'd like some idea of what you'd like for your birthday."
She: "I want a divorce!"
Pause.
He: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much."