KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Why do LADA's have heated rear windscreens?
To keep your hands warm when your pushing them.

What do you call a LADA with a sun-roof?
A skip.

What is the difference between LADA and AIDS?
You can still palm AIDS off to someone else.

How can you double the worth of a LADA ?
By filling its gasoline tank.

Why is a LADA so handy during the Finnish winter ?
You don't need safety belts - you freeze tightly to the seat.

Why do they give away free TVs with Ladas?
So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come and fix it.

What is the smallest part in LADA?
The owners brain.

What do you call a LADA with a turbo?
A Skoda.

What do you call someone who buys a secondhand Lada?
A scrap dealer.

What does a Lada buyer do to look sophisticated?
Wear dark glasses.

But how do you tell the Lada buyer from all the other people with dark glasses?
He's the one with the white stick..

What is 200 metres long and eats cabbage?
A Polish meat queue.

There are two kinds of persons: The one that divide all people in two parts, and then the other that don't.

Seen in U.S.S.R: "The last person to leave the country is asked to turn the ligths off".

Wanna be realy stoned? Drink wet cement.

If the human brain would be so simple that we could understand it, then we would be so dumb that we would not understand it!!!

I bet I can quit gambling.

8 of each 10 use ball-points to write with. What do the other two do with ball-points???

Keep death off the roads. Drive on the pavement.

Advertisement from British Airways: "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York and luggage in Berlin"

Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.
Tell me your address and I will tell you where you live.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no idea!

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.

What's pink and hard in the morning?
The financial times crossword.

What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your trousers?
Your gran.

What do you call three people in wheelchairs on top of each other?
A vegetable rack.

What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag.

How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he's ironing.

A LADA on a highway is suddenly stopping. Closely behind is there a JAGUAR, which crashes on it. And behind, a ROLLS-ROYCE, which crashes on the JAGUAR.
The ROLLS-ROYCE driver steps out of his car, and complains:
``You fool, my radiator grille is broken, it will cost me one day of income!''
Complains the JAGUAR driver:
``The front of my car is squeezed, it will cost me one month of salary!''
Says the LADA driver:
``My car is completely smashed, I will have to work one year pay myself a new one!''
Answers the ROLLS-ROYCE driver:
``Fancy anyone buying such an expensive car?''

Two Polish peasants are loitering by the side of the road one day when a tourist pulls up in his car. He winds down the window and asks: "Do you speak English?". The peasants both shrug their shoulders.
The tourist then tries "Parlez vous Francais?". Again the peasants plainly don't understand. The tourist then shows off his skill by trying German, Russian, Italian, and Spanish, but each time to no avail. Finally he drives off in disgust. One peasant comments (in Polish): "It must be wonderful to be able to speak so many languages." But the other retorts: "Pah! Look how far it got him!"

English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Fantastic day isn't it?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Have you lived here all of your life?
Cornish Farmer: Not yet.

An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what is obviously the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks: "Have you caught anything yet?" The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger, before saying: "Aye, you be the seventh today."

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe on a lead. "I'll have a pint of guiness" says the man "and ten pints for the giraffe". The man then starts to down his pint in one go. The giraffe seeing this starts banging down the ten pints like there was no tomorrow. The race is on, the man gets half way down and the Giraffes only on number four, Then with an amazing burst of speed the giraffe just manages to scrape ahead.But on pint number ten the giraffe gets half way then collapses dead on the bar. The man promptly finishes his pint and starts to leave.
"Hey," says the barman "you can't leave that lyin' there!!"
Says the man: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Paddy heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job.
Foreman: "Okay sonny, but you'll have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow you're hired".
So, next day, Paddy gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day.
When trees are counted Paddy only has 98.....
"Oh well" says the foreman, "You'll get another chance tomorrow."
So, next day, same story, 99 trees.
"I don't believe this" says the foreman, "A big strong fella like yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what?
You get one more chance, and I'll join you to show you the trick of it".
So, next day, Paddy and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice open spot the foreman puts the chainsaw on the ground, and starts the engine.
Says Paddy: "Holy Jezus! Where's the noise coming from?"

Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim's prick! AAIIIIIII!! He panics, and John panics. What can we do?
We should call for a doctor.
WHAMMM ! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
RING, RING. RING, RING.
J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?
D: What kind of snake?
J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
D: Aye, aye.
J: ?
D: Those are very dangerous.
J: What can we do?
D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise your friend will be dead within half an hour.
Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already, asks what the doctor said. Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.

The Pope is on his 1988 tour of America, in the middle of his 3 day bash in New York. On the second day, he is driving back to his motel after a heavy days bible bashing. It suddenly occurs to him that he is a little peckish and so he decides to go for something to eat. Out of the corner of his eye he notices 'Mel's Diner' and immediately pulls over. He hops out, kisses the ground a couple of times and then goes in and sits down.
A sleazy waitress wanders over, notices who he is and then straightens herself up.
"Yes you Holiness, what would you like?"
The Pope thought for a while.
"Well daughter, I have this terrible craving for a nice steak."
"Sure Mac, er I mean of course your Holiness. Would you like it well done, medium or rare?"
"Oh. I think I'd like a very rare one please."
The waitress raised her arm.
"One bloody steak, Mel!" she shouted.
The Pope was horrified.
"Oh no my daughter, you musn't swear. There is no call for it!"
"But you don't understand, father, bloody describes how you will get the steak. Very rare."
The Pope smiled.
"I understand. How stupid of me."
A little later, the Pope's steak arrived and he got stuck in. It was gorgeous and he went to bed that night feeling satiated.
The next day, the Pope had had an even bigger God-squading session and was helped by 31 of his cardinals. Afterwards, he called his cardinals together.
"Right Lads, as you've done a really good job today, I'll treat you to a bit of nosh at this place I know. You'll like it I'm sure".
So the Pope took his cardinals to the diner and sat down. He called to the waitress.
"Can I have 32 bloody steaks please!"
Immediately one of the cardinals slapped his knee...
"Hey yeah! And plenty of fucking chips okay? "

A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand. The mother looked startled. The doctor then said "Here catch."
And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window ledge and fell out the window.
The lady shrieked and said, "You bastard, you've killed my baby!"
The doctor replied: "April Fool, it was dead already!"