KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

How many Yorkshiremen does it take to do the washing up?
None, it's women's work!

What is green and turns red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidiser!

What is brown and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave.

What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing razor blades.

What do you call a day that follows 2 days of rain?
Monday.

Why does a duck have flat feet?
To stamp out fire in the woods.

Why does an elephant have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

What do you call a LADA with a flat tyre?
A write-off.

Man walks into a service station and asks the mechanic:
"Do you have a windscreen wiper for a LADA?"
The mechanic scratches his head, thinks for a bit and replies:
"Well, it seems to be a reasonable swap - yes I do."

What do you call a LADA with twin exhausts?
A wheelbarrow.

Three men, two Americans and an {ethnic}, are standing at the top of Empire State Building. It is quite windy and one of the Americans say:
"I bet the wind is so strong that if I threw myself from the building, the wind would stop me halfway down and it would carry me all the way back up here."
"Yeah, whatever." says the {ethnic}.
The American throws himself from the building, and sure enough, when he is halfway down he is stopped by an updraft and it carries him all the way back to the top.
"Hey, wow!" shouts the {ethnic} and jumps. He is smashed to pulp against the pavement.
Says the other American: "You're a bastard, Superman."

They get out.
First man: "I'm sorry."
First Lady: "I'm sorry, too."
Last driver: "I'm sorry three."

South Africa has just been achieving the biggest computer in the world, and after programming it using the most powerful AI techniques they could find, is now able to predict the future.
The computer is plugged in, and starts humming.
The prime minister then asks it the most important question for the future of South Africa:
"In twelve years from now, will the power in South Africa be held by white people or by black people?"
Computer: "In year 2000 the government in South Africa will be....................(After 15 minutes of computing...) WHITE!"
Everybody breathes, and starts drinking champagne. Nobody cares any longer about the machine.
Then the finance minister comes and asks:
"What will be the price of one kilogramme of bread in the year 2000?"
Computer: "The price of one kilogramme of bread in the year 2000 will be......................................................................................................................................................... ...................................................................................................................................................................(30 minutes of computing)...........................................................................................................................................................................................three roubles.

A young man of upper class took a walk in Soho on a very windy day.
As he passed a young woman, the wind caught her skirt and lifted it above her head.
The young man: Oh, it's airy, isn't it?
The young woman: Yeah, what the 'ell did you expect? Feathers?

World War III. The U.S.A. have succeeded in building a fantastic computer that is able to solve any strategical or tactical problem.
The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine.
They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it:
"Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?"
The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer.
"Yes!"
The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally one of them asks the computer:
"Yes, what?"
After another fifteen minutes the computer replies:
"Yes, Sir!"

A lawyer has died and gone to heaven. (This is not the real joke!)
When he gets at the gate to heaven, he sees St. Peter and starts to complain:
"Why have I died? I'm only 39, I could easily have lived to be 80!"
St. Peter replies:
"According to the number of hours you charged your clients you ARE 80....."

Once upon a time there was this beautiful woman who was going to be married to this handsome very rich nobleman. So they get married and she moves into his big castle, compared to which Camelot is but a pigsty: hundreds of rooms it has got, over a hundred servants and an enormous garden extending in woods in which one could easily get lost forever, still not having left the property.
The nobleman and his wife are having a real good time at the estate, there's fine weather, everyone's nice, business is going well.
Indeed business is ok: the nobleman has to be abroad a lot, so the woman decides to explore the enormous castle. Strange rooms she discovers, with lots of antiquities revealing the glorious past of the castle; now she's to be found at the attics, then again she's traversing the cellars, and after a few months she's almost completed her exploration - to find what appears to be some secret room...
Its door is securely locked, and no matter where she looks: the key is not to be found. So immediately after her husband returns from one of his voyages, she tells him how she has explored every part of the castle, save that little room. Just when she wants to ask if he knows where the key might be, he gravely responds that she's not to go into that very room lest a great danger befall her... No matter how she begs, he won't tell her what's to be found in that malefic room...
Years go by and she's put the whole question aside, but then again the eagerness to know is becoming unbearable... Finally she's made up her mind to search once again for the key... Patiently she waits for him to go on his next voyage, and immediately after he's left she goes to the Dark Room. She's searched for the key for hours until suddenly: behold, it was hidden behind a secret panel! A hollow sound revealed it, when she was tapping the wood. With shaking hands she takes the key and puts it into the lock. She turns the key once..., twice..., thrice and click, the lock is open... The door opens creakily. She's looking into a hostile dark nothingness. Did she hear something?
Trembling she goes inside..., step by step..., until suddenly:

AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!

You know what happened?
No?
Well, neither do I, but I'll let you know when I've found out.

A guy dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him warmly at the gates of Hell, and they enter a long coridor. As they walk along, the Devil explains, " Now that you're in Hell, you must choose the manner in which you must spend all eternity. I will show you some rooms and you must choose one."

They get to the first room. The door opens, and the man peers in. An endless circle of the damned with weights strapped to their backs walk around barefoot on hot coals. "Oh, I don't think I like that" said the man. They continue to the second room.

In the second room, the damned walk around, listening to elevator muzak, walking on broken glass.
"Oh, I don't think I could stand that" said the man.

In the last room, the man was surprised to find the damned standing around up to their armpits in sh*t, drinking cofee. "That doesn't look so bad!" said the man. "I'll stay here for eternity." "Very well," said the Devil, closing the door behind him.

"Hmm... this isn't so bad" thought the man, as a Demon gave him a cup of coffee. Suddenly, the room supervisor called out on his megaphone...

" ALRIGHT EVERYBODY, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER! BACK ON YOUR HEADS! "

The Pope goes on a visit to S. Africa, and he is travelling along, in his Popemobile, by the side of a large river. Soon, he catches sight of a black man in the river, struggling and screaming as he tries vainly to fight off a huge crocodile. The Pope realises that there is nothing he can do, when suddenly two white men leap into the water, drag the man and the croc to land, and then beat the crocodile to death with sticks.

The Pope is really impressed by this. He goes over to where the two men are standing next to the bleeding and unconscious black man and says, "Congratulations. That was the most wonderful thing to do, and I can see that it is men like you who will rebuild this country as an example of racial harmony."

The Pope goes on his way. One of the white men says "Who was that?", and the other replies "That was the Pope, he is in direct communication with God. He knows everything."

The first man says "Maybe, but he knew no f*ck at all about Crocodile fishing!"