KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A bright, well-behaved little boy lived with his parents and grandparents in suburbia.

One evening, the boy's father passed outside his bedroom and was pleased to hear him kneeling beside his bed saying his prayers. He finished off with:

God bless mummy
God bless daddy
God bless grandma
Ta ta grandpa

The father thought this form of prayer a little strange, but was so pleased that his son was praying of his own accord, that he thought nothing more of it. Until, that is, he woke up to find that grandpa had passed away with a stroke during the night.

A few weeks later, he again overheard his son's prayers:

God bless mummy
God bless daddy
Ta ta grandma

Sure enough, the next morning we find that the little boy's grandmother had had a heart attack in the middle of the night and passed away peacefully.

Our father was baffled by this turn of events. Was he the father of a strangely talented and gifted son? What could this lead to - fame, fortune ... who knows! Our principle eavesdropper decided to listen in on all his sons prayers from that night on, to see what other mystical secrets might be revealed.

But our hero was not to be so well rewarded. There was nothing in his son's prayers in the least unusual for several weeks. Then one night, he overheard him say:

God bless mummy
Ta ta daddy

Our hero was stricken with grief! What had he done to deserve such a short life! His parents had been old and withered; but he was still in the prime of life!

So great was his turmoil, that he didn't get a wink of sleep all night. He got up in the morning expecting disaster to strike at any time. He drove extra carefully to work that morning, and stayed in his office all day.

On his return home, he poured out his worries to his wife. He'd had an awful day, greifstricken, worried, and just wanted to get it over with. But his wife had no time for him. "You think YOU'VE had a bad day. I've been waiting for you to get back to help me out. I've had a terrible day today. I got up this morning and opened the front door to find the milkman lying dead on the porch...."

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.

2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.

3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.

4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.

5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.

6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.

7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.

8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.

9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.

10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.

11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.

12. AFTER YOU'VE HAD A BEER, THE BOTTLE IS STILL WORTH 5 CENTS.

13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IT YOU COME HOME AND HAVE ANOTHER BEER.

14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.

15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.

16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.

17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.

19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.

20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.

21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.

22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.

23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.

24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.

25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.

Ethnic A visits the hospital.
"I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully.
"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your wife?"
"Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!"
So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, ethnic A does only have to stay for two days in the hospital. On his way home, he meets another ethnic.
"Well, hello A! I haven't seen you for a couple of days." ethnic B says, as they shake hands.
"No, I've been to the hospital."
"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"
"Really? So, what's up?"
"I'm going to be vaccinated."
"Oh, shit! That's what it's called!"

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Imsureheneversaurus.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Mistress: something between master and mattress.

Housewife: a gadget you screw on the bed.

What is black red black red black red black red black red black red white?
An negro masturbating.

Snooker is a complete Tory game; first of all you get rid of all the reds; then you get rid of all the coloureds, and all you have left at the end is the white.

Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat: sooner or later, you get pissed off.

What do anabolic steroids and Hurricane Gilbert have in common?
They make Jamaicans run like fuck.

A man took his dog into a pub, bought a pint and settled down to watch the football on the TV set above the bar. As luck would have it, it was a Fulham home game. After a one-sided match Fulham lost, and the dog said, quite clearly, `Oh, no -- not again!'

The barman, startled, walked over to the owner and said `Did your dog just say ``Oh, no -- not again''?'
`Yes', replied the owner blandly, `he always says that when Fulham lose.'
`What does he say when Fulham win?'
`Don't know. I've only had him five years.'

Incidentally, during the match the police caught a Fulham fan climbing over the stadium wall. They were strict -- they made him go back in!

A man is looking at a soccer game, in this case FEYENOORD - AJAX;
suddenly Feyenoord scores a goal, and the dog applauds.
After a while Feyenoord scores again (yes this is not a realistic joke) and the dog applauds again.
A man who sees this asks the dog's boss what the dog does when Ajax scores a goal.
Owner: Well, he turns a backward OR forward summersault.
Neighbour: When forward and when backwards?
Owner: Well, it depends on where I kick him.

A spaceship from the planet Zong lands in Farmborough.
It is the middle of the night - the town is deserted (not that there's much happening in the daytime in Farmborough) as the aliens (who are rather petrol - pump - like in their appearance) descend from their ship.
They wander around for a while until they come across a garage and what they percieve to be intelligent life - a petrol pump (an easy mistake to make in Farmborough anyway). The chief Zong greets the petrol pump.
"Greetings; I am Zong, a Zong from the planet Zong. We have come in our spaceship, the Zong, to meet Earth people. Take me to your cliche" (sorry, I mean leader.)
The Zong receives no reply, so he repeats his demand using shorter words (he has heard that this usually works in Farmborough).
"Take me to your leader".
The petrol pump, unsurprisingly, says nothing.
By now, the short-tempered captain of the Zong is getting a bit annoyed at being ignored. He levels his ray gun at the petrol pump, much to the distress of his first mate, and demands,"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, INSOLENT SCUM, OR I WILL BLOW YOU TO PIECES !"
Of course, the petrol pump remains silent; his shipmates try to restrain him, but he fires. There is an almighty explosion as the petrol pump bursts into a huge ball of flames and the crew of the Zong are hurled hundreds of yards into the air. They land in a nearby field with a bump.
"What the hell happened ?" shouted the Zong captain.
"I tried to warn you", replied the first mate, "You just don't mess with a guy who can wrap his p**** around his waist and stick it in his ear."

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal mouth when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing ? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player ?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him - I was just trying to trip him up."

Flopsy Bunny had never been out to see the real world. One day he escaped from his parents' home... Bounce Bounce Bounce.

He had been bouncing along when he came across a young snake. Flopsy Bunny had never seen a snake; the snake had never seen a bunny rabbit.

Said the snake
- Hello, you have lovely fluffy ears, a lovely little white tail and lovely brown fur; you must be a bunny rabbit.

Said Flopsy Bunny
- That's very good. Let me see. You have horrible scaly skin, nasty little slitty eyes and a horrible rasping voice. You must be Nikki Lauda.

Two gynaecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what cases they have had the past year.
1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons.
2: Incredible, so big?
1: Yes
2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon.
1: Waaw, so big?
2: No, so sour