KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

I was driving through North Wales one day last summer, when I had the misfortune to run out of petrol right out in the sticks. It was about 5 miles to the nearest house, but when I got there the farmer who lived in it was very hospitable and offered to drive me back to my car with a can of petrol, as long as I stayed to have a bite to eat first. I accepted gratefully, and upon entering the parlour I was amazed to see a pig with a wooden leg reclining in a rocking chair, reading the "Cwm Penmachno Evening Courier" and smoking a pipe. I asked the farmer about this, and he said, "Oh, that's a fine pig. One day my wife was just driving out of our gate onto the road when a bloody great lorry which she hadn't noticed - we tend to forget to look out for traffic up here, you know - came tearing along and smashed into the side of her car. The lorry driver was killed, and my wife was pinned into her seat. Some petrol was leaking out of her tank, and the pig here could see that there was a danger the car would go up in flames if he didn't do something pretty quickly. So he leapt over the fence, sprinted over to the car, wrenched the door off its hinges and pulled my wife away just in time to save her from a horrible death".

"My goodness, that's certainly a very fine pig!" I exclaimed. "Now I can understand why you treat him so well. But one thing is still puzzling me - tell me, how does he come to be wearing that wooden leg?"

"Ah well", said the farmer, "when you've got a pig like that you don't want to eat him all at once".

What's the difference between 'hard' and 'light'?
You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it is ajar!!

A man walks into the chemist's: "Have you got cotton wool balls?"
Assistant: "What do you think I am, a teddy bear?"

There is this panda walking through a red light district when he sees a prostitute beckoning him. Feeling an urge he decides to go along with her and she leads him upstairs where they have sex.
Half an hour later, he pulls up his boxer shorts and makes way for the door.

"Oi, you, where do you think you are going ?" cries the prostitute.
"You are supposed to pay me"

"I don't pay for my sex " replies the panda, " ..and anyway where does it say that I am supposed to pay you anyway"

The prostitute, hearing this, goes to a bookshelf and produces a dictionary.
"'Ere, 'ave a look at this".

The panda takes the dictionry, claws through ( pandas don't have thumbs) comes to p.. pr.. "Here it is, prostitute, woman who gives sexual favours for money ..."

"Aha , there it is" says the prostitute.

"Take this and look up panda" says the panda returning the dictionary.

The prostitute reads "Panda, small bear, eats shoots and leaves."

A city slicker drives through a little town, and stops at a gas station to fill up. Going into the station to pay he sees a man playing checkers with a dog. "Utterly fantastic", he gasps, "a dog who plays checkers. You could take him to the city and make piles of money with him." After his next move the man looks up and says , "Awh, he ain't so smart. I can beat him two out of three."

Picture the scenario: i t's first day back at school after the Summer Hols and all the little infants are fidgeting about with excitement etc...

Teacher: Okay, kids, we'll begin the year by discussing what we did over the Summer Hols. Joey, what did you do?

Joey: Well Miss, I had a wonderful time. Every morning I would go down to the beach and play in the sand...

Teacher: Very good Joey, if you can spell "sand" I'll give you a Mars Bar.

Joey: mmhhh... S-A-N-D

Teacher: Very good Joey. Here's a Mars Bar. Sally, what did you do over the summer?

Sally: Well Miss, I would go down to the beach and play in the sand too. Sometimes Joey and I would go for a paddle in the sea...

Teacher: Lovely. If you can spell "sea" you can have a Mars Bar.

Sally: S-E-A

Teacher: Good Sally. Have a Mars Bar. Now, what about you Leroy. What did you get up to?

Leroy: Well Miss, I also went down to the beach each morning, but none of the other kids would play with me 'cause my skin's a different colour...

Teacher: Oh poor, poor Leroy, how dreadful. That's racial hatred for you.If you can spell "racial hatred" you can have a Mars Bar... 1106. Twins

A twin is born.
Mother happy.
Father happy.
Mother: "Just look at them lovely babies..."
Father takes one by the head, and the little neckie breaks.
Doctor rushes in: "How could you DO that?"
Father: "'t was easy: look!"

An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.

The American says, "I can't belive you don't have cars here! How do you get to work?"
The Russian replies, "We take bus."
The American asks, "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
The Russian replies, "We take train."
The American asks, "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
The Russian replies, "We don't want go abroad."
The American presses further and asks, "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
The Russian replies, "We take tanks."

A man from Farmborough goes into a pub with a pig under his arm.
As he walks in, the barman spots him and exclaims, "Hell fire!
That's an ugly looking animal you've got there ! Where on Earth did you get it ?"
"I won it in a raffle", says the pig.

Anyway, Amos is getting on in years and his family decides that he is just too much of a burden anymore. Time to put him in a retirement home. So they take him out to Sunny Hills Retirement Community and install him in his now home.
After he was there for a few hours, a lovely young nurse comes and asks if he would like to spend a while on the sun porch. Amos says "Sure...hrmmmph, hrmmmph."
So Amos and the nurse are on the sun porch enjoying the sun, when Amos begins to lean to his left. The nurse, thinking that he is going to fall, pushes him back upright. A few minutes pass, and Amos again begins to lean, this time to his right. The nurse pushes him back upright. A few minutes later the scene is repeated. Finally, the nurse takes Amos back to his room.
The next day, Amos's friend Bob comes to visit. "How do you like it here?" asks Bob.
"Well" says Amos "it's OK, I guess. The bed ain't too soft and it ain't too hard. The food is OK. The people are nice. But, they sure don't want you to fart on the sun porch!"

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans!"