KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the three formed a triangle.
It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day.
The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5-lb son, the second squaw on the elk hide had a 6-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had an 11-lb son.
To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first proof of the Pythagorean Theorem:
"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides."

1) Enthusiasm
2) Disillusionment
3) Panic
4) Search for the guilty
5) Punishment of the innocent
6) Praise and honors for non-participants

An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just generally shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this expression, "sang froid". What does it mean? I know that it literally means, "cold blood", but what does it *mean*?"

The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can turn around and walk out without zem knowing he was zere, *zat* is sang froid!"

The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say "Please don't mind me; continue", zen *zat* is sang froid!"

"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his wife and his best friend, stands there saying, "Please continue", and his friend *can* continue, *zat* is sang froid!".

One day while the circus was in town, a lion escaped from its cage. He went downtown into a local bar, and said to the bartender, "You see that young girl at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up."
The bartender hastily poured a beer and watched the lion swig it down and leave.
The lion proceeded across the street to another bar.
Again he approached the bar, and spoke to the bartender.
"You see that girl at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up."
The bartender hastily poured the lion a beer, and watched as the lion gulped it down and left.
The lion proceeded to yet another bar, went inside, and said to the bartender:
"You see that young girl at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up."
"Go ahead," said the bartender.
So the lion went to the girl and ate her, quick as a wink.
"Now give me a beer, or I'll eat YOU up!" the lion roard to the bartender.
"No you won't. in a couple of minutes, you'll be out cold on the floor," said the bartender calmly.
"Why's that?" asked the lion.
"That wasn't an ordinary girl you ate, you dumb lion. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!!"

A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral sex. "No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me." So the young man is content to wait.

After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral sex. Again she replies, "No, you won't respect me."

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride "Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can we please have oral sex?". "No", she says "I just know that if I do that you won't respect me." So the man waits.

and waits...

and waits....

After 20 years of marriage the man says, "Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex, just once???? Please??????" and the wife finally gives in to her husband's wish and peforms oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says, "Answer that you cocksucker."

Three women are being interviewed for the same secretarial job. The final question of each interview is, "If you were accidentally overpaid $100 one week, what would you do?". The first woman says, "Oh, I would immediately report it, Sir!". The second woman says, "Well, I would write a memo to payroll, but make it `low priority'." The third woman says, "Well, Sir, in all honesty, I would keep the money and but myself a new outfit." So who gets the job?
The one with the biggest tits!

An American, a Frenchman, and a Polack are lined up in front of a firing squad awaiting execution. The American is first. He points behind the firing squad and shouts, "FLOOD!". When the soldiers turns to look, he escapes. The Frenchman quickly devises his plan and shouts, "TORNADO!!". He escapes as well. The Polack, thinking he has caught on yells, "FIRE!!"

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some touble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex theripist. You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us.
The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and medicare pays half of that."