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"The Road to Retirement City"
A 1998-99 Stock Market Analogy, by T.Whitman
Chapter 5
JK, DC and MK head out the front door of the 'Bear Den Lounge' into the parking
lot. DC speaks first. "I'm not riding in any 'putmobile', I'll just walk for now."
JK and MK look at each other, and JK says, "Me either."
MK joins in, "Guess we'll keep walking then."
Frozen Fish replies, "Whatever, we'll see ya down the road then."
A group gets into the putmobile and the car sprints out of the parking lot onto
the highway. The three pedestrians watch as the car disappears behind a clump
of trees.
Up the road only a short distance, TW sits in the coffee shop at the Big
Decision Truck Stop. He nervously chews his pen, because he knows that there's
a big decision here on how to proceed.
Just then a Tour Bus pulled into the Truck Stop. The bus is colored tan, with a
boxy body. A giant letter 'd' is painted on the side. Smaller inscriptions are
on the bus also, but TW can't make them out.
The bus stops, the door swings open, and passengers begin filing out. The
passengers are all dressed identically, in tan thongs with 'd' painted on their
bare chests. Mostly middle aged men and women, but a few younger ones. Their
hair is in pig tails, and they seem to be singing and passing a pipe around.
This had to be some sort of cult, and TW had to find out more- for the sake of
curiosity. He walked out the door towards the bus. As he drew closer, he saw
that the inscriptions on the bus read "d'Hell".
The oddly dressed passengers had dispersed across the parking lot now. Some
headed for the facilities, no doubt, but others began walking up to people. Two
were walking towards TW, and greeted him. "Geetings young fellow. We have been
sent from Master Mikey to spread the good news."
"OK, I'll bite, what's the good news, you guys gonna get some clothes soon." TW
asks sarcastically.
"No, my brother, we bring the truth of Reverend Mikey. We seek the promised
land of Retirement City. We can show you the way with d'Hell(silent H)," one replies.
The second wierdo starts in before TW can process what is happening. "You must
repent from your pedestrian ways and join Rev. Mikey d'Hell and learn the New
Pair of Dimes prophesy."
"You guys want money don't you," TW butts in.
"No, brother, we want to show you the way," the first wierdo answers. They
stare intently at TW, as he ponders the next move.
"So how does one go about learning the 'New-Pair-of-Dimes philosophy?" TW asks.
"First you must partake of the sacred 'glue bong'," answers the first wierdo.
TW starts to slowly back away. "Ummm, no thanks guys, really, uh, I think I'll
be heading out now." TW spies a 'gold truck' behind him, and quickly jumps in
it.
TW hops into the bed of the ‘Gold' Truck, and lands on a man's foot.
"OW! D#mnit man, that's my foot, not a airport runway," the man yells.
"Sorry, I was just tryin to get away from those nut cases in the thongs over
there. They were starting to scare me," TW replies. He looks up and realizes he
knows this man.
"Uncle Bill! What are you doing here?" TW extends his hand.
Bill shakes hands and replies "Same as you, trying to get down this road
safely. Hopped a ride in this Bond truck a ways back."
Bill had a greyish beard, and his hair was disturbed like it hadn't seen a comb
in a while. He continued speaking. "I fell asleep a little while ago, where are
we?"
"How can you sleep on this crazy highway?" TW asks. "By the way, this isn't a
'Bond' truck, it's a 'gold' truck."
"D*mn, guess I need to get my contacts checked," Bill answers. "I sure wouldn't
have napped if I knew that I wasn't in a 'bond' truck."
The 'gold' truck pulls out onto the highway in the wrong direction.
TW comments. "Well it's going the wrong way again, but at least it's safe.
While you were asleep, I saw several ‘bond' trucks going by, and they were
going this way too - pretty quickly I might add."
"Hmmm, oh well, I think it's probably best if we get out and walk anyway," Bill
states. He starts to scan the side of the road for a good place to jump out of
the truck.
"I agree. Walking looks like the only safe option at this point," TW answers.
Suddenly he spots a familiar looking landmark. "The Bear Den Lounge! Come on
Bill, let's get out here."
As the truck slows for the intersection, Bill and TW jump from the bed. TW
looks across the road and spots some familiar faces. "MK! Guys!"
JK points at TW and Uncle Bill. "Look! TW's back."
"I didn't think that 'gold' truck was going anywhere." DC laughs.
MK waves at them and motions for them to come over. TW and Bill run across the
highway, narrowly avoiding a ‘soybean' commodity semi, that was moving
southbound in a hurry.
Well up the road, Abby C. and Joey B. were shaking in their shoes as the
massive Nasdaq100 bus begins to accelerate in reverse, straight at their P/E-32
sports coupe.
"Do sumthin, it's gonna crush us!" Joey screams.
Instead of shifting to reverse, Abby cuts the wheel hard to the right and
punches the gas. The car slides down a small embankment and into a shallow
ditch.
"You stupid winch, look what you've done now!" Joey yells at the shaken Abby.
He grabs a bottle of High P/E whiskey and gulps down a shot.
"Well y-y-you're a big help," screams Abby. "Gimme dat bottle."
Abby takes a swig from the bottle and exits the car to survey the damage. The
car appears to be fine from her point of view. Of course her vision is quite
blurred by this point. "Guess we awe-tu c-c-call Greenspam Wrecker Service to
get us out of this ditch," Abby stammers.
"I dunno, he might turn us in if he seez how much we been drinkin," Joey
replies. "Let's see if we can get some help pushin it."
"Yesh, the Young D-D-Dipsters should b-be along any time now. They'll b-b-bail
us out of this mess, if we give em' a good sh-tory," Abby states. They climb
back up the small hill to the road.
The Young Investors who were following Abby and Joey were now scattered about.
Some had pulled off the road to let the bus go by, and others had simply thrown
it in reverse, and were heading backwards with the bus.
One of the 'Station wagons on Steroids' (SUV's) pulled off when they spotted
their leaders coming up out of the ditch. The passenger rolls down his window
and calls out to the drunken duo. "You guys look like you need a drink."
"Well yea we do, but we also need a little a-s-sistance. Can you help dip us
out of this here ditch. I promise you that we'll be partyin' in Retirement
City in NO TIME, if you do." Joey turns on the charm. "Remember that every dip
is a drinking opportunity." He raises his bottle of High P/E Whiskey, "CHEERS!"
The young dipsters join in the toast, and before you know it about a dozen of
them are pushing the car up the slope to the highway, chanting "PAR-dEE, PAR-
dEE, PAR-dEE."
Back down the road at the Bear Den Lounge, TW is introducing Uncle Bill to the
gang. "I just ran into my old pal Uncle Bill, here. He's a real veteran of the
highway."
"Nice to meet you, I'm MK, and this is JK and DC." MK says.
"What happened to the gold truck there TW?" DC smirks.
"Well, it wasn't going the right way- but the driver was sober," TW answers. I
hopped in when the cult guys started getting wierd on me. What's up with those
guys, anyway Uncle Bill?"
"You mean the d'Hell cult. Hohoho. those guys are strange , huh? There are
other ones too. The AO'hell (silent H) cult is pretty strange too. These cults
pop up after long stretches on Bull Market Highway. It is usually a sign that
Recessionville is not too far away." Bill lectures.
Terry starts in, "Uncle Bill here has been around the block you know- He saw
the Grateful Dead back when they still had healthy livers. They ever smoke glue
back then Bill? "
"Well, they smoked some strange and powerful stuff, but I never saw anybody
smoking glue. That is a recent phenomenon," Bill replies. "It could be the
cause of alot of this reckless driving now."
A strong headwind begins blowing on the pedestrians. It nearly knocks them
down, and they struggle to keep making progress.
"What's causing this wind, Bill," MK asks.
"This is a dreaded 'Inflation' headwind storm," Bill replies. These can be real
killers if you're in a vehicle, particularly if the driver is toasted." Bill
continues: "Inflation headwinds have been the biggest cause of virtually every
Bull Market fatality for the last 40 years. Here, check this data out."
Inflation Data
The wind dies down to a regular gust.
"Look here, the last time inflation winds started picking up from low levels,
it was the late 1960's. This began a period of great carnage on Bull Market
Highway."
"I remember reading about that," JK answers. "Lots of cars got blown plum off
the road. What can we do about the winds?"
Will our pedestrians find a way to block the 'inflation' headwinds? Will Abby
and Joey get blown right back off the road almost as soon as they get on? Stay
tuned to your favorite financial news media for clues..
To be continued...
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On to Chapter 6:
©1999 M.T. Whitman
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email: twhitman@oocities.com (weekdays) mterrywhitman@email.msn.com (nites/weekends)
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