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"The Road to Retirement City" A 1998-99 Stock Market Analogy, by T.Whitman THE ARCHIVES (Previous Chapters) The Road to Retirement City (Chapter 6) The group of pedestrians, now five in number, begin plodding along towards their destination. JK keeps the chatter going. "We've lost an awful lot of time dickering around. Why can't we hop on one of those S&P100 buses like everybody else is doing?" "You go right ahead and jump on the bus man. I'm gonna keep walkin'. How many times do I have to tell ya- Them Drivers are Wacko!" TW answers. "Tell em Bill." "No doubt about it. I saw a lot of accidents up the road. There's not many cars making it through." Bill says. "I heard that AOL car sailed right over the River of Financial Peril," MK states. "They were piled into that car tight as sardines too, man." "They may have made it over the River, but that vehicle is dangerously overloaded- I'd be surprised if the engine holds out much longer," Bill answers. The pedestrians hear a voice from behind them, and they turn to see two figures running towards them. It was the waiter and bartender from the ‘Bear Den' Lounge. "HEY, Wait up guys- we're coming too!" The waiter (AR) yells. "What are you guys doing- who's going to run the bar?" JK asks. "Who gives a crap. The customers were lousy tippers anyway." The bartender replies. "We need to get to Retirement City too. You guys must be OK to travel with if Uncle Bill is with ya. By the way, you can call me ‘Myth', everyone else does." "I did some research back at the bar. Found out that 70% of the cars heading up the Road have reversed course in the last year, so we decided that we might as well walk for a while too," AR comments. "Did you bring any of that ‘put' liquor with ya?" MK asks. "We might need some fortification later." "We got a little bit of emergency rations. But it's gonna cost ya, if ya want some." Myth replies. Up the Road, Abby C. and Joey B. pull the P/E-35 sportster up to a liquor store for some fresh supplies. As they park, a disheveled man in a business suit staggers out the door. "Shay," Abby says to Joey, "Isn't th-th-that ‘Ralph A.'? "It shure iz, I wonder whut happened to him?" Joey replies. Abby exits the car, and speaks to him. "Ralph! Iz that y-y-you?" Ralph doesn't look up, but staggers over to the P/E-35, and slumps over the front fender. As he holds the fender, he proceeds to purge. "Yyyaaaaaattch." "Well, I guess that's why they call em ‘Ralph'," Joey quips. "Ahhhh, man, that's better." Ralph finally speaks. "Those ‘small-cap' beers were really hurtin my gut." "Ralph, It's m-m-me, Abby. What h-h-happened to your c-c-car?" "It's a long story, but the ‘Philip Morris' 4x4 I wuz drivin got rammed off the road by a pack of wild-eyed lawyers. And then they wanted to sue me for gettin in their way." "Don't worry Ralph, you can ride with us." Joey says. "Our trusty ole P/E-35 will get us to Retirement City in a hurry." A deafening crash emanates from the road, and the trio look over to see the d'hell (silent h) bus mowing over a ‘Reality' telephone pole, spinning around, and coming to a rest in the ditch. "Holy Sh*t man, don't they know how to drive," Joey barks. The d'hell cult members begin exiting the bus, chanting and dancing, in their thongs. Several members of the cult spy the trio, and make their way towards them, chanting and dancing along the way. "I know these guys," Ralph says. "I helped them load the bus a while back." "We bring the message of Reverend Mikey," a middle aged thong clad man speaks. "Yea, I know the shpiel. Got any good Glue, man." Ralph snaps back. "Only the finest," the man replies. He offers up the glue bong to Ralph. "Partake, my brother, and you will see the light." Ralph takes the glue bong, fires it, and inhales deeply. He staggers backwards as he hands the bong back. "Do you see the light?" The cult man asks. Ralph's eyes bug into a hypnotic stare. "Yes, I see it, I see the light- we must get the bus back on the road. I will call the ‘Analyst Hype' team to come assist us. With that the cult members begin to dance and chant . "We love Mikey, we love d'hell, all the rest can go to hell." Ralph joins arms with the cult members, and dances off towards the disabled bus. Abby and Joey shrug their shoulders, and head into the store to restock. Back up the road, our pedestrians are slowly making progress. They have grown quiet, as the road ahead seems to never end. DC spies something up ahead. "What's going on up there, " DC blurts out. "Someone is dodging traffic in that intersection." Just ahead, Bull market highway intersects with ‘Earnings Slowdown' Avenue. A long haired man in a tie and slacks is yelling and pointing at passing cars while dodging traffic. "Hey guys, it's Fleckmeister," Bill informs the group. "He's at it again." "At what again? And who's Fleckmeister?" MK asks. "He's the bravest bear on the highway, man" TW answers. "Fleckmeister is on a mission- To tell the drunks to sober up." "Isn't that kind of dangerous?" DC inquires. "He could get run over out there." "Well, we didn't say he was the most cautious bear, just the bravest," Bill chimes in. "He feels the need to warn the drunks about Recessionville, and that's the only way he knows how to do it." As the group approaches the intersection, Bill calls out to Fleckmeister, "Fleck, it's me, Bill- and some friends of mine. Come on over here outta the traffic for a minute." Fleckmeister waves, dodges a speeding ‘Schwab' car, and sprints over to the group. "Bill, TW, AR, Myth, nice to see you guys. It's good to see some sober folks on this stupid highway." "You look awful man. How long have you been out here preaching to these drunks?" Bill asks. "Seems like forever-but I'm not stopping till they get the message- Recessionville is coming up fast!" Bill replies. "Aren't you going to Retirement City?" MK asks. "Of course," Fleckmeister answers. "I'll be coming along later, but there's work to be done here now. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. I'm just crazy enough to be the one." You should be out here helping me Bill. What happened to the bear I used to know?" "You know Fleck, you're right," Bill replies. "I should be out here too- We can catch up to these guys later in a Bond truck or something." With that, Bill takes a handful of warning flyers, and spins around to address the other pedestrians. "You guys go on. I think you can manage without me. You know the plan now.... Just don't be enticed into one of those drunken vehicles, and you'll make it." "Thanks Bill," AR replies. You've been such an inspiration to us all." "Quit your suckin' up," Myth butts in, "You're making me sick." The pedestrians say their goodbyes to the missionaries, and start to cross the highway. A fast moving ‘YHOO' car careens towards the intersection as TW steps out. "Look out!" AR yells. Will the pedestrians be mowed down by a drunken Internut car? Will Abby and Joey join the d'hell cult with Ralph? Is Recessionville really that close? Stay tuned to your favorite financial news media for clues.. To be continued... On to chapter 7: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ©1999 M.T. Whitman
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