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"The Road to Retirement City" A 1998-99 Stock Market Analogy, by T.Whitman THE ARCHIVES (Previous Chapters: Start here) The Road to Retirement City (Chapter 7) The YHOO car careens past. Luckily no one is injured by the soused driver. Unfortunately, another car following it sideswipes Myth and spins him into the ground like a toy. TW catches a glimpse at the plate. It says 'Big Blue'. "Myth, are you OK?" MK asks. Myth grabs his head and shakes it. "Uh, yes, I think so. What hit me anyway?" "One of those drunks on the road got you man," AR answers. "Who was it. I'm gonna get that SOB," Myth yells. "The plates said 'Big Blue', TW replies. "They were trying to keep up with that YHOO car. They're both obviously tanked." Myth unsrews himself from the ground in a manner reminiscent of Wile E. Coyote. Then, the wind suddenly starts to pick up. "I think the 'inflation winds' are starting to blow again." MK states. "Yup, we need to find us a 'Gold' truck quick," TW answers. "Who's with me?" AR, Myth, and MK decide to join TW in flagging down a 'Gold' truck. JK and DC are both skeptical. "So you guys are just gonna walk?" MK asks them. "I don't trust those 'Gold' trucks," DC says. "They're pretty unpredictable." "Hey, the only thing predictable about this road is that night follows day." AR replies. JK starts in, "I've been burned on a 'Silver' car before- I don't think the 'Gold' one's any better. We'll just keep walking." "OK, whatever suits ya, but we'll really take off if these winds bring some rough weather, and you guys will be ALL WET." TW laughs. A 'Gold' truck pulls up, and TW, Myth, AR, and MK pile in. "See ya down the road," MK yells. The winds begin to strengthen, and the 'Gold' truck peels away like a scared hare. Back up the road at the liquor store, the d'hell (silent h) bus is being pushed back on to the road by a gang of 'Analyst Upgraders' who are being cheered on by Ralph A. and the cult members. The bus edges onto the shoulder, and the cult members pile in. They sing and wave as the bus pulls away. Joey B. staggers out of the liquor store with armfuls of fresh supplies. "Hey Abby, ch-check it out. They got 'OEX Call' Rum. This stuff is gare-on-teed to get us there." "P-P-Put it in the c-car," Abby snaps. "We g-gotta k-k-keep up with that b-bus. Come on, get in." They hop into the P/E-35 sportster, and burn rubber leaving the lot. Soon they are up to speed, and nearing the bus. A wicked crosswind hits them, and Abby fights to keep the sportster on the road. "Geez! Look at the d'hell bus'" Joey screams. Just ahead, the d'hell bus begins to tip to the right, with the left side wheels blown completely off the ground. "L-Look at that thing," Abby replies. "It must be m-m-made of PAPER." The bus slams over onto it's right side, and slides down the pavement as sparks shoot out the back. Abby veers the sportster to the left and keeps going. "We don't wanna get meshed up with dat scene," Joey quips. "Good idea to jus keep goin." The P/E-35 sportster struggles to stay on the road as the 'Inflation winds' blow even harder. Finally, Abby has to pull over to the shoulder. They look back down the road towards the d'hell bus, and see a cloud of thick black smoke rising over the hill. "L-L-Look Joey. I think that bus is burnin," Abby states. "Well, they shoulda been drinkin some o this fine 'OEX call rum' instead ov smokin that glue," Joey mumbles as he takes a draw off the bottle. "Here, try some." Back up the road, the two remaining pedestrians keep trudging forward, into a stiff 'inflation headwind.' They are making very little progress, but much more than most of the vehicles on the road, which are being blown backwards. An AtHome car flies past, an AOL, then a Micron turbo hype. They appear to be nearly weightless as they tumbleweed back up the road. DC and JK have to yell at each other to communicate. "Aren't 'inflation winds' an indicator of our proximity to Recessionville?" JK asks. "Well, that's what Uncle Bill and Fleckmeister, and TW say, but I don't know how accurate that is," DC answers. An olive drab Jeep pulls to the side of the road just ahead of them, and a man wearing golf knickers and a tie-dye shirt gets out. He waves to the pedestrians, and starts hollering towards them, "HELLOoo, I'm Johnny Pi2K. Are you guys OK? Why don't you get in the jeep till this storm blows past." It was beginning to rain, so DC and JK, seeing that Johnny Pi2K appeared sober, agreed. "You fellas are awfully bold out walking in this area," Johnny said. "Don't you realize that the Y2K swamp monster is on the loose?" "What the h*ll is a Y2K swamp monster?" DC takes the bait. "And what's up with the outfit-you been to the Jerry Garcia Memorial golf tournament or somethin'?" "No, I always dress this way. But that's not important. The Y2K swamp monster is ON THE LOOSE! He's BIG, he's BAD, and he eats drunken travelers." Johnny Pi2K cries back. "Some say the Y2K monster is a MYTH. But I've seen em' with my own eyes. He looked at me like I was a Big Mac and large fries." "Have you been drinkin Johnny?" DC asks as he spies a green bottle in the floorboard. "Would I lie to you? Johnny answers. "What is this stuff in the green bottle here then, eh?" DC asks back. "Oh, that's just 'Thunderchicken'. The official fortified wine of all Y2K swamp prophets." Johnny answers. "It's harmless, and offers a good buzz without the unwanted Y2K swamp monster attraction properties of other liquor. Try some." "No thanks," DC says. He points the bottle at JK. "Here, it's all yours." Meanwhile, In the 'Gold Truck', the rest of the group are enjoying the fast paced ride. All the traffic ahead of them has been blown off the road. "WHOO-HOO, I told ya this was the place to be. TW says to the rest. "Whadda ya know, you were right once," Myth snaps back. "This truck is moving awfully fast," MK notes. "I don't know if this is so safe after all." "It's better than walking though," AR adds. The riders see a cloud of smoke ahead, and the truck slows as they approach the site. The d'hell bus is lying on it's side, and flames are leaping from the underside. "LOOK! It's that cult of glue smokers' bus" Myth laughs. "I knew that was gonna happen." "Glad I stayed away from them," TW said. The thong wearing cult members are scattered about the scene, kicking at the bus, crying, chanting, and smoldering. The 'Gold' truck slows momentarily, then rushes ahead. The radio station playing in the truck breaks into an emergency message from the Highway Patrol. "The highway patrol" has reports from Greenspam wrecker service of numerous accidents on the Bull Market Highway from 'Inflation winds'. They are advising all motorists to slow down, and to keep moving." The radio announces. "HA!" AR blurts. "If you haven't figured that out by now, you're in trouble." Nearly as soon as the winds came, they begin to die down. The 'Gold truck' screeches to a halt at the Bank of England exit, and turns around. "Not this again!" TW yells. "I'm outta here." TW jumps from the truck and tumbles into the roadside ditch. MK, Myth, and AR look at each other and shrug. "I'm staying in here." AR says. The others nod and hang on as the truck accelerates in the wrong direction. Will the 'Gold Truck take the three back to where they started? Will Johnny, JK and DC avoid the Y2K swamp monster? Will Abby and Joey get back on the road? Does anyone care? Stay tuned to a financial news outlet near you for clues. To be continued..... On to chapter 8: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ©1999 M.T. Whitman
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