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Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
"The Road to Retirement City"
A 1998 Stock Market Analogy, by T.Whitman
Chapter 1
Abby C. and Joey B. were having a great time at the Annual Young Investors Ball.
They had consumed a massive quantity of High P/E Whiskey, and chased it down
with bottles of IPO Beer. With every drink they took, things just kept getting
better. They were the life of the party, with their bear jokes and their promises of vast wealth.
Finally, as the hour was getting late, Joey turned to Abby and blubbered, "Maybe
we shud be gettin on over ta Retirement City."
"Yesh, that wuz our orig-nal duh-duh-destination," Abby stammers back.
So they climb into their sporty new P/E-30 luxury sports car (built by S&P
Motors). They slip a bottle of the High P/E Whiskey and a case of the IPO Beer
into the back seat for the ride. It's a long way to Retirement City, and they
don't want to get dry on the way. Abby takes the wheel and burns rubber out of
the parking lot as she turns right onto Bull Market Highway (Rte 1998).
"WHEEE isn't this a blast", says Abby.
"Let's call everybody back at the party and tell em' to follow us to Retirement
City", Joey retorts. "We'll have a big bash when we get there - dancin',
whiskey, beer and champagne".
"Tell em' to meet uz at the luh-luh-likker store over there," Abby stutters, as
they pull into the store for more supplies.
The Young Investors (even though most had drank as much as Joey and Abby) piled
into their new luxury sports cars and SUV's and headed up Bull Market Highway to
catch up with Abby and Joey. They had no idea what a long and winding drive they
had ahead of them, but the party at the end sounded too good to pass up.
They all jeered at the three investors who decided to walk the long haul.
"You'll never make it there at that rate!" they screamed. "HA HA HA HA."
MK, TW, and JK had decided that they were too drunk to drive, and they certainly
weren't going to put their lives in the hands of those other hell bent drunks.
So they set off up the road on foot.
"Ohhh," TW says, I think I'm gonna be sick from all that Biotech wine I had, and
he proceeded to 'meet ralph'. MK and JK resisted at first, but soon the
overwhelming stench had them 'painting their shoes' too.
"That semiconductor chip dip really tasted good at first, but now I'm not so
sure," MK looked up and moaned after he had finished.
"It's probably best that we purged ourselves," TW comments. "They don't take
kindly to drunks up the road there in Recessionville."
"Abby and Joey were telling everybody at the ball that you could get to
Retirement City without going through Recessionville", MK panned. "Said she knew
a way to fly right over it."
Now there is an old road that skirts the edge of town and ends in a ramp high
above the River of Financial Peril. "I've been told that if you can get up
enough speed, you can fly right across the river and avoid Recessionville, and
the River of Financial Peril," JK chimes in.
"I don't care what that drunk winch said," TW retorts, "The City Jail,
hospitals, and graveyards in Recessionville are filled with drunks that tried to
fly right over that river. I'm gonna be sober and well within the speed limits
when I go through there. There's only two roads into Retirement City- One
through Recessionville, and the other is through Depressionfield.. Nobody, I
mean nobody from this country has even set foot in Depressionfield in the last
65 years."
"I heard that Depressionfield doesn't even exist any more," MK mutters.
"Oh YES IT DOES," TW said. "There was a busload of Asians that got taken for a
bundle there not more than a few months ago. They're still there from what I
understand. Can't afford to leave."
"What's Depressionfield like?" JK asks. "And how come everyone wants to avoid
it?"
"It's a Baa-aad place," answers TW. "A long, long time ago, the drunks littered
the road into Recessionville with their speeding crashes, and they closed the
road. Everyone had to drive through Depressionfield instead. They say it was
very nasty there. Most of the drunks left town battered, penniless, and sober,
several years later. It took them a very long time to finally reach Retirement
City, and they weren't in real good shape when they got there. There were a few
smart folks that navigated past Depressionfield in better shape, by being sober
and prepared. There were even a few that capitalized on the drunks, by posting
their bail for them at outrageous rates. I hope that they won't make us pass
through there, but with that convoy of drunks running ahead of us, I'd say
there's a good chance we may have to."
"Why can't we just hitchhike there?" JK inquires.
"Nothin' but drunks on the Bull Market Highway at this time of night," MK
replies.
"That's right JK, nothin but speeding drunks in their Internet hot rods- there
goes one now. Looks like one of those new eBay models."
Meanwhile, Abby and Joey are hurtling up the Bull Market Highway at breakneck
speed. "YEE HAW, we'll be there in NO TIME at this rate," Joey screams. "Nuthin
kin stop us now!"
Only seconds later, the happy drunks near Russian curve, a deadly hairpin turn.
Abby slams on the brakes and narrowly misses ramming a line of stopped traffic.
"What's th-th-that mess up ahead?" Abby asks.
"Looks like an 18-wheeler dun run off the road," Joey replies.
As they approach the overturned tractor trailer, they see the words "Long Term
Capital Mgmt." in big bold letters on the trailer. A police car sits nearby with
it's lights flashing. In the opposite lane, a "Greenspan Wrecker Service" tow
truck rapidly approaches. An elderly gentleman leaps from the wrecker and throws
a 'rate reduction' line down into the ditch to the truck. Several smaller trucks
appeared to have collided in the accident, and were blocking the road ahead.
Full beers were scattered along the highway with names like 'Amazon', 'Dell',
and 'Cisco' printed on the labels. Drunken investors were out scooping them up
like they were gold. Abby and Joey joined the frenzy, proclaiming "Get em' while
they're cold folks!"
After a few minutes, an official looking limousine with the words "Plunge
Protection Team" pulls up and begins to restore some order. "Everyone back into
your vehicles and move along," a man they called 'Paul' sternly recites. "The
road is now cleared."
Several miles back up the highway, the three pedestrians are having a strategy
discussion.
"Why don't we wait until we sober up a little, go get TW's Mercedes, and ramp
that stinkin' river," JK pans.
"Not in my car," TW answers. "You never know how wide that river is going to
be."
"Why don't you know that?" asks MK.
"Well," TW starts, "Just upriver from that ramp is the huge Asset Lake. They've
been filling that lake up for the last 16 years, and that dam could burst at any
time."
"Can't they let a little out at a time, so the River of Financial Peril doesn't
overflow," JK pops.
"I suppose they should be able to do that, in theory, but it seems to be almost
uncontrollable once it starts. It's either king hell on, or off," TW replies.
"And you never know when they're going to turn it on."
"Sounds awfully dangerous," JK states. "Why do so many people try to ramp it?
Stupidity? Ignorance?"
"A little of both perhaps, but mostly just greed. If they can avoid
Recessionville and the River of Financial Peril, they can make it to Retirement
City very quickly," TW answers.
"Who the hell's in charge of those floodgates, anyway," MK angrily mutters.
"That's a good question," TW continues. "Some say it's the government, some say
it's the central banks, and still other's say it's Wall Street. Nobody really
knows for sure, or, at least most of us don't, and probably never will."
"Man, I could sure use another drink," JK says. "Let's stop at the 'Mega Cap'
Tavern over there and pick up a six for the trip. Look, they're on sale."
"That does sound good," TW drools.
"I thought that we wanted to be sober when we get to Recessionville?" MK states.
"Yeah, you said they don't like drunks there," JK adds.
"Yeah, yeah, alright, let's just get a couple of 'Municipal Bond' sodas to hold
us over," TW says begrudgingly.
Well up the road, Abby and Joey rev the engine of their P/E-30 and head on past
Russian curve. A few of the Young Investors are shaken by the scene, and park
their cars, recalling the warnings of TW and others about Recessionville,
Depressionfield, and the River of Financial Peril. Most of them speed right
along though, merrily following Abby and Joey to the big party in Retirement
City. Several of the new pedestrians run back to their vehicles once they hear
that the road is clear, assuring themselves with the thought that Greenspan
Wrecker Service will be there to aid them in case of accidents.
"Maybe we sh-sh-shud slow down a little," Abby slurs.
"Jes wait'll we're outta sight of that cop back there," Joe replies. "Then
we'll push this baby to the floor. Retirement City here we come!"
Around the next curve, the P/E 30 takes off like a scared jackrabbit. It is
everything the trailing young investors can do to keep up. They've all had some
fresh beers now though, and they're ready for the challenge.
Back with the three pedestrians, we find them plotting again.
"If we're sober by the time we get to Recessionville, maybe we can buy us a car
for the rest of the trip," MK states.
"That's a good idea man," TW suggests, "I hear stuff is really cheap there and
If we have to go through Depressionfield, I understand they practically give
vehicles away."
"And the drinks are cheap too," JK adds. "Just don't open them till you're out
of town."
The three pick up their pace now, anxious to implement their plan.
Meanwhile, Abby and Joey are leading the Young Investors forward, swinging wide
at the curves, and guzzling down more IPO beer and High P/E whiskey on the
straight stretches. They are completely oblivious to the perils that lie ahead.
Just a few miles down the road, lies the turnoff to Recessionville. If they
speed past it, they may run headlong into Depressionfield. If they manage to
make the turn, will they try and ramp the River of Financial Peril, or will they
stop and sober up before reaching town?
And what of our three pedestrians. Will they ever make it to Retirement City?
Stay tuned to your friendly Financial News Source for clues.
On to "The Road To Retirement City", Chapter 2
Back to T.Whitman's Home Page and Latest Chapter
©1998-99, M.T. Whitman
email: twhitman@oocities.com
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