WAYNE'S POEMS - WAYNE'S PICS - WAYNE'S JOKES - TOP 9 SEX JOKES

 

"The Cucumber, pickle, penis"

One day a cucumber, a pickle and a penis  were having a conversation:

The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar." The
cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad." The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness!!!"
Growing Wild

A young man stood in front of the mirror admiring his well-built and tanned body, When he realised that his penis was the only part of his body not tanned. Determined to get his penis tanned, he made his way to the beach. Once there, he proceeded to bury himself completely, except for his penis this he left poking out of the sand. Strolling down the beach were two little old ladies. They came across the penis poking out of the sand.

One little old lady, using her cane, knocked the penis from side to side, saying, "There is no justice in the world today."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady said, "Look at that,
When I was 20 I was curious about it.
When I was 30 I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the dam things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat.
COMEBACK OF THE YEAR!

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness,or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the Teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home with her. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured
his ashes out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him................

'Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money."

"Irving, you know that emerald necklace you promised me?
I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said............
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes................."
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the
pussy cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see." replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?"
he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"