Chapter 1: Light my Darkness

Everyone is different, and everyone have different things, different hair, lips, and eyes. I’m different from anyone… or at least that was what I think a few months ago before I meet my brother… my twin brother. We were, no, we are exactly the same, we are like a mirror, the only way you could know witch one is the one you are looking for is for the length of the hair, his hair is longer than mine.

I always make fun of the people that loves themselves but when I knew my brother I found that I was exactly the same. I fall in love with him… he that looks just like me, but no in the personality, his personality is very different from mine. Sometimes I think badly of some people, he is very innocent; I prefer to act immediately, he goes with the wind. He is very shy but he usually tells me a lot of his things, sometimes he keep them to himself; instead I tell him everything, but there is something that I’ve never told him and it is how much I love him. We love each other but I’ve noticed that I love him more and in a different way… but I can’t find a way to tell him.

Since we met w ego to the same school just like our friends, we don’t want to be separated again. After school we used to go to my house, sometimes he stays to a sleepover, sometimes we go to his place and stays there too. To sleep me wear only my boxers because I’m warmer at night but he prefers to wear his pants and a t-shirt cause him is always cold. He prefers to sleep with a tiny and a bit hard pillow; I prefer a big and fluffy one. When we talk about ice cream he is chocolate and I’m vanilla, in food he loves sea food and I die for meat. I could have fun playing with my own shadow at daylight, he prefers to hide in the shadows because he hates sun, he is more a night person and the moon light makes him smile. He lives with our dad and I live with our mother. She loves us a lot just like dad but sometimes he is hard with Kouji, he expects a lot of my brother, and this is what to keeps chain in decisions.

By now I’m a little afraid to speak to him, afraid to tell him how do I feel and afraid to the possibility that he rejects me even if I know he wouldn’t. I know he is going to accept me no matter what, even if it is estrange. I’m going to tell him, I’m not going to continue living with this inside myself; I just have to wait for an opportunity. I could tell him today when he go to my place, right alter school, maybe when we are eating or before we go to bed but no after that… if not I’m not going to do it.

It was hard to pay attention in classes with all this in my head, having him sit at my side looking at me, asking for my notes, living me a pencil or borrowing my eraser. I felt the hurry to pass my arm behind his shoulder just when Takuya makes a joke on Kouji. Takuya takes away Kouji’s rubber without him notice it. His hair now spread all over his shoulders… his hair was very long almost at his waist, it fits well on him.

At first he doesn’t know what was happening, he just sep looking at me like asking what was the problem with Takuya, why was he making fun of him. His face was a mix of expressions, his eyes asked me a lot of questions like ‘why is he laughing?’ and ‘Did I have something weird on my face?’ but his hair makes me the impression I was talking to a girl. It took him a while to understand what was wrong. His first reaction was to hit Takuya with his book, he really looks angry about the joke. He grabs his rubber and tied his hair again, he doesn’t care for the girls that were there asking him to keep it without the rubber, he never pays attention to them.

Hi was like the light, where the light goes everyone pays attention. Everyone pays attention to him wherever he goes even is he doesn’t ask for it. But he as a light likes to be with the shadows, he says he doesn’t like attention, he doesn’t like people starring at him, less if they were touching him like he was a statue, he only let do that to his friends and me. We like the silence specially when we want to think, I don’t care for the noises, I could live with it but Kouji can’t. When there’s a lot of noise he loose control so easy and usually explodes, he was going to explode a lot of times specially when he is around Takuya. Onli my darkness calm him and keeps him serene. Even if we are twin people pays him more attention than me, I don´t care because I prefer to be aside, I prefer to look everything from this perspective. I love the light, I love my brother, I protect him from the people hiding him in my darkness, I give him an special place in my heart.

For the end of the day I found us in the door just to go home. We used to walk and talk about our day, but today we were a little bit silence. I keep thinking all the way how could I express my feelings but I notice he was to quiet… what could he be thinking? Maybe I could ask him that just to break the ice…

“Etto… What are you thinking Kouji?” – He doesn’t answer my question; he just keeps himself looking at the floor lost in his mind. When my words get into his brain he looks a little afraid and a bit lost.

“Nee… nothing… what were you thinking?”

“Me? You first! I ask you first” – I could have told him in that moment but I prefer to hear him first. He was thinking in something important to him; I knew it for the way he has reacted.

“Nothing! I just was thinking in test next week. You?”

“Humm.. I believe you but not at all. I was thinking in us” – I see his face trying to see his reaction. His cheeks were with a pink shade… could it be a good reaction? - “it’s just… I don’t know what you are going to think about this but I… I love you so much… it’s been a while of that… at first it was like a simple brotherly love but know it has become bigger”

“…” – He just stays there in the middle of the street without words, he doesn’t even move.

“I didn’t even know how you are going to react… I think it was better to keep it that for me, I just want you to know because I couldn’t continue living with this… if I didn’t tell you this I was never going to. Please forgive me for what I say?” - I was there stand at his side with my heart in his hands waiting for an answer, any answer. I don’t like to wait… it makes me feel like he doesn’t love me. But he looks like he was looking for some words, maybe to shut up myself, I was scared but he looks more like he has lost his voice.

“Niichan… I…” - That sounds more like a no or was he nerveous - “I love you too. I feel a bit strange when I’m at your side, you know me well and you know I’m not good for this kind of things but there is no one for me other than you” – He hug me and puts his head in my shoulder… we keep walking. For me it was a magic moment because I feel that my courage was for something good. Now who could say that the light and the darkness couldn’t be together?

Chapter 2: Dark my Lightness

I love to sleep with my brother; I love to feel his arms around myself. His body was warm, especially at night. When I sleep without him I used to look for something to replace him. I’m too big to sleep with my father, that and the fact the he was with my new stepmother now and I didn’t know her well to ask that. So when I wasn’t with him the big pillow of my bed have to replaced him but the pillow was not him.

I could say that I have two faces. One is the face I use more, it is my favorite one but I hate it. With this one I can have all the attention wherever I go. It is so powerful that I just need to put one foot on the classroom and immediately I have ten people saying hello and asking me how I was. I don’t like to be the one in the middle of the world, I don’t like people starring at me like an odd bug, and I like attention but not too much.

My other face was the one who creates the first one but it is exactly the opposite. Usually I used this face to claim for attention in my own house because dad prefers to ignore me sometimes, especially because he is tired from his day at work. I know it is a bit stressing to be all the day working, he returns home very tired and the only thing he ask me is how was school, he wants to know my grades and if I’m number one or not and the is the reason I have to study very hard… it is my only way to speak with him.

But with my brother I can be myself. He is the one that knows me better and the one who pays me attention even if I didn’t ask for it. I don’t need to make me the interest one or act like the good boy… with him I can be me…

That’s the way I am; in the school and with my friend I’m the cool one, the one everyone pays attention; in my house I’m the good boy, the good son my father ask me to be, always good, always responsible; with my brother I’m just a normal kid, just like everyone else. I was happy to know that thanks to him I was still alive and I haven’t got lost in my self. In one moment it was hard for me to describe myself when I was asked to. I prefer to left those questions in blank… it was possible to get lost in that way? Now, I can admit that I was lost trying to please people, that was until my brother rescue me and found just the same moment we first met.

Now I’m sitting in my desk with a paper and a pencil in front of the big question… who I am? I am normal? Normal people doesn’t have so may faces as I have, at my age everyone shows as they are and I’m not transparent as a glass, my brother is transparent because he says what he thinks and feels. My brother says that I’m like the light and he is like the darkness but if I’m the light then why do I feel so alone? He as the darkness he is can befriend with everyone. I, in that darkness, feel peacefully because no one can see me, because without light no one can see me how I really am, I can take out my mask.

Like the light I am everyone follows me even if my behavior was not good, with light everyone shows what they pretend, what they are not. In darkness we are the same that is why we can’t recognize each other, that are why everyone feels more comfortable there, there’s no need to go to the light. They say darkness is tricky but that can’t be because I found there the peace, comprehension and a lonely place where I can think, a place never seen before… but if I stay all the day thinking then I am looking for loneliness, I’m alone all he day…

People doesn’t pay attention to my brother Esther but he doesn’t care for it, he is happy in his own way. It is obvious that everyone pays him attention when he was younger and I’m talking about my real mother and my grandmother. He being the darkness and staying close to me never disappear, otherwise, it looks like I tend to hide myself behind him, at his side my shinny light turns off and I just became a simple candle.

I remember the other day he spoke to me seriously, it was the first time he told me he loves me. I stay frozen by a minute, no because I didn’t like what I heard it’s just that I… was surprised, I have been thinking the same. I love him too, at the beginning I didn’t know if it was for seeing him all the day since the day we met or it was because fit in a lot of thing, after all we were twins… no? We have live separated from each other and we just know for the first time a few month ago but we never act like two perfect unknown, I just feel like if I haven’t see him for a couple of days and that’s all… could it be the twin connection everyone talks? It doesn’t matter now because since that day we were closer than ever, it wasn’t a simple brotherly love, it wasn’t a friendly love either… we have past that.

When we were at the department that afternoon we lunch together then we lay on the couch to match some TV. He was in the right side of the couch as I stay at the left. Time past and my body was feeling tired and slowly fall on the couch, I was sleepy in my brother’s legs. My eyes half closed were fighting to stay open but it was a lost fight.

I don’t remember the exactly moment I fall sleep but I woke up in other place, I woke up in my brother’s bed, just at his side, he was sleeping too. I look throw the window and it was already dark outside; mom will be here in any moment. I went out of the bedroom to breath fresh air but first I stop for a glass of water. I feel alone but I didn’t want to wake up my brother, he was tired too, like if he hasn’t sleep well yesterday. I walk out of the department and stay there waiting for mom. I look out from the balcony but I couldn’t see her come, it was windy now so I decide to get in to the house and grab my jacket but the door close just in my face. I was cold but I didn’t want to knock the door because I still didn’t want to wake up my brother, I just prefer to wait… mom will be here in any minute.

I lay my body supporting my back with the door; I hug my legs trying to bring some kina of warm into my body. The sky was clean of clouds and the moon in a banana shape was smiling at me, does she knows what had happen to me? I close my eyes to speak with her and tell her my day… I stay there for ten minutes more and less until my brother open the door. When he opens the door I fell inside the house, I lay with my face looking at him, he looks worried, and his hands reached mines and help me to stand up. I feel like a moron because I didn’t accept them, I can stand up alone. He doesn’t care about my behavior, he looks used to it but he keeps offering his hands.

“It was a bad idea to go out without a jacket” – he was right but what he doesn’t know was that the door closes alone. Two seconds later mom arrives home.

“Hello sons… How are you two? How was school today?” – that was the favorite question of dad but mom use it too when she was very tired after a long day of work.

“Hello mother, we were waiting for you. Let’s go to eat something so you can go early to sleep” – we get into the house. Kouichi warms the food meanwhile I set the table.

“How was your day today? Kouji you haven’t say anything today. Is everything alright?” – It was true, I haven’t said a word, and I was distracted since the moment she comes. My first reaction was to give her a kiss.

“Yes, everything was fine!” – Everything was fine since afternoon, what my brother told me was definitely good to me. She smiles with satisfaction, I never tell my things to other people because I didn’t like to bother other people, that and the fact that I was not used to express my feelings like that.

“If you ask me I have to say that it was a good day for me. Do you remember my homework last night? They gave me a good grade. And everything is fine with us… ne Kouji?” - I blush. I was not a talkative person and he saying mom that… of course he doesn’t say a lot but… I didn’t know what could mom could say… and if she doesn’t like the idea?

“You look a little bit warm! How are you feeling? Are you sick? Got fever?” – I like beeing here with mom, I didn’t even try to claim attention with her because she already pays to much attention to us, we were her live.

“No, I’m fine!” - I smile at him trying to gain his trust. We went to eat; dinner was nice, very peaceful. Mom goes to bed earlier, she was so tired… and Kouichi and I went to our room. Before we knew our feelings I used to get dress in front of my brother but now… now I feel a bit different… nonsense. Why do I feel this way? To stop thinking in that I prefer to go to the bathroom to get dress and wash my teeth. When I finish and return to the room my brother was turning off the lights. He lies on his bed dressed only in his boxers; I get in bed like a polar bear.

I felt like something was happening, something like he was calling me, I feel my body like an iron that asks me to go to my brother. I stand up without noticed and walk just to my brother’s bed.

“Can I sleep with you?” – he opens his eyes and make me some space at his side with smile. I lay down at his side hugging my pillow as I used to until I feel his arms around my waist, he was hugging me… I love to sleep in this bed… I love to be with my brother…

TBC…

 

Cap 3 y 4 // Cap 5 y 6

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