Oh, I know... Life, astrophysics, cosmic events with sexually connotative names (Big Bang... hehehe)... But it's not all jelly beans and cake. Most of it is pretty damn boring. The Universe is like a newspaper. For most of the experience it's just flip, nothing, flip, war, flip, politics, flip, Bikini Models!!!, flip, nothing... Sure, there are the exotic things in lycra parading about the Universe, but for the most part, it's boring. Big open nothings.

But, you may retort, "The fact that it is so infinitely big is the amazing part!!!" Oh yeah, if you're one to like boring stuff. Infinity is truly dull. No really. For most people, infinity is big. Really big. So big you can't put your arms around it. But that doesn't even begin to explain infinity. See after a while, a really big thing doubling in size just looks like another really big thing. It makes no real difference. It's uninteresting once it's too much effort. Simple.

Oh okay... I guess infinity is somewhat cool. Somewhere in between Disco and Exploding Golf Balls on the Ultimate Things That Are Cool list (which is, incidentally, topped by Monkeys). I mean, infinite space is pretty handy to store stuff in. Not all that great for retrieving stored stuff, but hey, you can't be picky. And yes, it is true that in this infinite space, you'll probably find everything that's cool.

Which is another thing about the infinite. You can use the word "probably" with gay abandon. Or if you're paranoid, just with abandon. You see, if you have a bag with two balls in it. (I'll wait for you to be mature...) Okay, you have a container with two balls in it, one red, one blue. If you reach in and grab one ball (no seriously, get your mind out of the gutter), it could be red or blue (oh sheesh!) Okay, that analogy failed because of someone. I'll try again. Imagine you have a two-sided die. Oh wait. Six-sided standard die. Now if you roll that die, you could possibly get a one. Wow. Let's say you may want a six (cos sixes are good). Now let's also say you are my sister playing a board game and roll your die many times until you actually get the number you're after. Though it's possible you may never get a six (in which case you make a dodgy "roll"), you'll probably get one after a while. Now imagine you want the number 1523867326081762 on your infinite sided die. You'd pretty much give in. But if you had nothing better to do for the next forty trillion milennia, you may not. Why? Cos although a slimmer chance than Michael Jackson becoming the next Pope and giving birth to a robot that solves world poverty, you'll still have a chance.

What does that rubbish mean? Basically, in our great big frickin huge Universe, anything goes. Although unlikely, there may be a planet of naked people of the opposite sex that would regard you as the most sexable, lovable, nice-conversations-beside-lovely-ponds-feeding-ducks-able person ever. Unlikely, but still probable. But given Murphy's Law (the only proven universal law), the planet you think is the one where you shall find not-quite-infinite pleasure, will be EXACTLY the one where the forty billion invincible axe-wielding carnivorous maniacs frolick with homocidal abandon.

Which tangentially brings us to the topic of aliens. Although alien-ness is an entirely relative concept, we shall pretend everything not from this world (and sometimes things from here), is classed an alien. Aliens aren't all green things with silver jumpsuits. Some of them wear bell-bottoms.

Wearing bell-bottoms, incidentally, is quite acceptable (for aliens, so don't go getting any ideas). Aliens can be as weird as they like. Look at Marlon Brando. But they're not all weird. Some have five heads.

Speaking of five heads, there is some controversy about this whole "Universe" thing. There's the whole "God" thing. And there's the whole "Big Bang" thing. You can have an Universe infinite of both time and space, with no beginning nor end. You can have ones with a beginning (deity-induced or otherwise) and have variable endings. Well... I have the definitive answer to that whole debate. Unequivocal proof on the structure of the universe.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Which brings us to the close of this magnificent treatise. Not magnificent? Oh well... You can't have all the answers