Introduction

Gender Talk

Email Lists

Humour

Grafitti Wall

Pillow Talk
By Jim Rosenberg

Like many Nineties Guys, I have read "You Just Don't Understand Me," a book whose thesis is: you can learn to speak Mandarin Chinese in all 256 of its dialects before being able to talk to the opposite sex. To women, the book seemed to say that men often communicate with selfish deception. This outlandish lie made me mad, of course, but carrying the book around was an excellent way to lure brainy chicks in the sack. Still, the author was on to something. If she'd only taught more by example, not theory, she could have stopped the bloody war which started in the Garden of Eden. I have divided the remainder of this column into two sections which do provide many examples and thereby contribute to intergender cooperation.

The first section, listed below, is a "Wife to Husband" pocket translator. The first phrase is a statement actually uttered by a Wife (W) and the second phrase is the translation which ought to be understood by the Husband (H).

W: "I'm going to the Mall; should I pick you up some new underwear?"
H: "While doing laundry this week, I mistook your current underwear for those scrimmage tank tops worn by the University of Miami football team. Or Handi-Wipes."

W: "Is that what you're going to wear to the party?
H: "Why don't you just tape on a diaper, tie a bonnet under your chin and walk around with a big lollipop."

W: "Thank you for offering to cook, dear, but you must be exhausted from your business trip."
H: Lather, rinse, repeat' is the shampoo instructions, not a recipe, honey. Leave the cooking to me."

W: "Did you hear about all the wonderful things Craig did for Sara's birthday?"
H: "One more gift certificate to "Everything's A Dollar!" and you'll be hearing from my attorney."

W: "I know I've been in a bad mood; I guess I just miss my family a little."
H: "My mother arrives Monday for a one month visit. She's bringing Yappy the Poodle."

W: "Virgil got mad at Ethel over how much she spends on clothes, and they had a big fight. {Long Pause}."
H: "Hey, can I get a compliment over here for buying my clothes from the back of a bus parked at the abandoned Battleground Sunoco for the last year? "

The second section, listed below, is a "Husband to Wife" pocket translator. The first phrase is a statement actually uttered by the Husband (H) and the second phrase is the translation which ought to be understood by the Wife (W).

H: "Floyd called and wants to know if I can go to the Bats game. He also said something about him and Ernestine splittin' up and she's all tore up and livin' in a hotel or somethin'. We're playin' Savannah."
W: "Can I go to the Bats game with Floyd? Call Ernestine."

H: "I don't want to carry the floral Baby Bag anymore {foot stomping}."
W: "My sissy alarm has sounded. If I have to do one more girlie thing, I'm going to explode."

H: "These stupid !@#$%^& assembly instructions aren't worth a *&^%$^ nickel!"
W: "I don't understand the instructions. I think I built David's bike upside-down."

H: "I guess you can watch Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman on the big TV and I'll watch the basketball game in the bedroom."
W: "Thank you for every little thing you do that makes my life rich and rewarding. Your love is a precious light which chases away my darkness and makes me whole."

H: "Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you - I won this stupid award today. It's no big deal."
W: "Praise me, Mommy! I was a good boy today!"

H: "Earl at work gave me this embroidered potholder for our anniversary."
W: "Will you please take this thing off my hands and write Earl's wife a thank-you note or whatever it is you gift jockeys do."

The specific is always more illuminating than the general. If your mate is right next to you, why not put down this article right now and engage in meaningful dialogue for the first time in who knows how long. When it's all over, you'll say:

H: "I love you honey!"
W: "No, I love you honey!"
Both: "We love Dr. Jim!!! {Giggles and kissy face}"

© Jim Rosenberg. [06/15/94]

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