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My earliest memory of sexual abuse was when I was 8 years old. My mom, a single mother, and I lived with a family of 5 children and 2 adults. Of the 5 children, 2 of them were twin boys.. Michael...the "golden child" could do no wrong in his parents eyes. He was and is a monster in mine!
A little background on my life might be the best place to start. When I was born, my mother was a single parent, something I also did not fess up to with my friends....I always said that my father was a police officer who was killed in the line of duty...I must have been ashamed that I didn't have a father...and all my friends did. My mother had placed me with the family's parents, so I didn't live with my mom and the family till I was 5. I lived with Nanny and Bucky.
This may get confusing at times, because it's my thoughts and memories I'm trying to relate, along with my feelings as a child.
I don't even remember how it all started, except I do remember how I felt. I was ashamed and embarrassed and afraid to tell anyone. This is a secret I have kept to myself since then. I'm not even really sure how to write about it, or even what I want to say. This abuse occurred right in the place where a child should feel safe...and secure...my own home. In my little mind, I thought that this must be the right thing to do, after all...shouldn't I be safe with him??
The abuse continued until my early teens...13 I think. My memories of that time are very vague. I know I used to find a place within myself to go when it was happening to me. I was very unhappy in that house (I will not call it a home) and when I was 15, my mom and I got an apartment together...on our own! This was a big deal for me, I knew that HE wouldn't be there!!
One morning while I was home alone, the husband of this family, who apparently had a key, was at the apartment while I was sleeping. The phone rang and I jumped up to get it. I wasn't dressed as I was still in bed, and to my complete embarrasment, I stood in front of him naked. I had run into my room and after a few minutes...he came into my room and tried to "fondle" me. When I resisted, he offered me $20 to not tell anyone! Can you imagine that!! I was humiliated and left the apartment right away. I will never forget how I felt that day!!!!
It was about this time, I met my husband. My family's story is continued on the next page.
Last year, I had a telephone call from this family's youngest child. She called to tell me that my primary caregivers...when I was under 5, were not what they seemed to be. Apparently, Bucky was a child abuser and sexual predator when his children were young. She told me that her oldest sister had recently confessed to her that she had been raped and molested by this man...her own grandfather!! She told me she wanted me to know. She asked if I had any memories of anything happening to me!! Lord...if anything did happen to me, it's no wonder I have no early childhood memories!! But her phone call upset me and made me wonder...but to this day, I still don't know...I'm not even sure I want to know at this point!!
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